Showing snippets written by Mark Garrison.
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Texas Attacked by Giant Colored Lines
In what scientists and meteorologists are calling a strange phenomenon, several giant colored lines are attacking Texas. It is unknown yet how much damage these lines have caused.
Particle Accelerator to Bring Jesus Back
Christian scientists today announced that while the particle accelerator would not create deadly black holes, it would bring back Jesus Christ. "The world will still end, but in a much happier way."
McCain Shuts Down Particle Accelerator
At the request of the hard core religious right, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain broke through CERN security and shut down the accelerator over fears it would end the world.
Palin Reveals She is Actually a Black Woman
Defying all reasonable logic, Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin today announced that she's actually African American. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come forward" said Gov. Palin.
Particle Accelerator Ends Racism
In what will surely go down as the CERN particle accelerator's greatest accomplishment, racism immediately ended as soon as it was switched on. Scientists are baffled but pleased.
Obama Reveals He's Mostly White
In a shocking revelation, Barack Obama announced that he is actually mostly white. "Tests confirmed that I'm actually 51% white" Obama said. Obama assured black people that he's still down with them.
Palin Baby to be Appointed Secretary of Exploitation
The McCain/Palin ticket today announced plans to appoint Palin's baby to a new cabinet level position that will attempt to exploit every exploitable exploitation in the United States.
Bush Abolishes Presidential Term Limits
Washington, D.C. - President Bush, citing increasing criticism, announced the signing of a Presidential order abolishing term limits earlier today. The order also bans any future President's not named "Bush" from ever taking office or holding high level Government positions.
North Korea Signs 8-Track Tape Deal with Russia
Pyongyang, North Korea - In the latest test of America's resolve, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il signed a 10 year, $25,000,000 deal with Russia to develop 8-Track tapes and tape players.
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