Showing snippets written by Mark Garrison.

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Texas Attacked by Giant Colored Lines

In what scientists and meteorologists are calling a strange phenomenon, several giant colored lines are attacking Texas. It is unknown yet how much damage these lines have caused.

written by Mark Garrison, 11 September 2008

Particle Accelerator to Bring Jesus Back

Christian scientists today announced that while the particle accelerator would not create deadly black holes, it would bring back Jesus Christ. "The world will still end, but in a much happier way."

written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008

McCain Shuts Down Particle Accelerator

At the request of the hard core religious right, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain broke through CERN security and shut down the accelerator over fears it would end the world.

written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008

Palin Reveals She is Actually a Black Woman

Defying all reasonable logic, Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin today announced that she's actually African American. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come forward" said Gov. Palin.

written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008

Particle Accelerator Ends Racism

In what will surely go down as the CERN particle accelerator's greatest accomplishment, racism immediately ended as soon as it was switched on. Scientists are baffled but pleased.

written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008

Obama Reveals He's Mostly White

In a shocking revelation, Barack Obama announced that he is actually mostly white. "Tests confirmed that I'm actually 51% white" Obama said. Obama assured black people that he's still down with them.

written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008

Palin Baby to be Appointed Secretary of Exploitation

The McCain/Palin ticket today announced plans to appoint Palin's baby to a new cabinet level position that will attempt to exploit every exploitable exploitation in the United States.

written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008

Bush Abolishes Presidential Term Limits

Washington, D.C. - President Bush, citing increasing criticism, announced the signing of a Presidential order abolishing term limits earlier today. The order also bans any future President's not named "Bush" from ever taking office or holding high level Government positions.

written by Mark Garrison, 24 February 2007

North Korea Signs 8-Track Tape Deal with Russia

Pyongyang, North Korea - In the latest test of America's resolve, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il signed a 10 year, $25,000,000 deal with Russia to develop 8-Track tapes and tape players.

written by Mark Garrison, 12 February 2007
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