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Apple sacks security chief over iPhone suicide
"From now on," said new security chief Dr. Jack Kevorkian, "Apple employees will be given a proper and dignified method to snuff out their own lives if we accuse them of petty theft..."
TV pitchman Billy Mays dies at age 50
Meteoric career comeback for Michael Jackson led Mays to try the amazing "Demer-All" product that "makes it EASY for any 50 year old to pass away in their sleep with NO muss and NO fuss!"
NYC restaurant buys tained cookie dough
"Rats love cookie dough ice cream and we've got a rat problem," said the restaurant owner. "It just seems like a no-brainer..."
Cookie Dough ice cream kills "AskKaren.gov" medical expert
The civil servant known to many as "AskKaren.gov" will be "sorely missed," said the US Surgeon General, who performed the autopsy that confirmed salmonella poisoning...
RIAA orders iTunes to raise song prices
"$80,000 is the going rate for a single musical composition," said RIAA spokesperson Cara Duckworth. "That even goes for the tune Clint Eastwood sang in 'Paint Your Wagon'..."
Just in time for holidays
"Rod Blagojevich bribeable action figure" comes with a real dollar bill, senate seat, orange jumpsuit, and bonus wedding dress. Batteries not included (and you don't want to know where they go)...
Obama thanks Seal, Heidi Klum for "vital" support
"If you two foreigners hadn't threatened to leave the United States," Barack Obama said, "John McCain would be our president-elect today..."
Fifth stage added for Obama's inaugural ball
The added stage will feature groups that agreed to reunite only if Obama were elected, "Steppenwolf, Heart, and Aerosmith all agreed to reunite at the inauguration," a spokeswoman revealed...
US Defense Secretary fires Microsoft chairman
Bill Gates ordered to submit resignation due to a "gradual erosion of" operating system standards "and a lack of effective oversight" that ultimately led to the creation of Windows Vista...
NASA finds proof of water on Mars
Space agency predicts astronauts will collect enough of the precious fluid "to end droughts and irrigate deserts here on Earth..."
Bin Laden issues warning over wrestling
Cartoon violence in WWE matches "is insulting to Mankind and other professional wrestlers"...
Dungeons & Dragons wizard achieves "miracle" 100th level
Last words of deceased D&D co-creator Gary Gygax were, "I finally know how to take my 99th level neutral good elf mage/cleric to a whole new plane of existence"...
FBI removes Bobby Fisher from "ten most wanted" list
Late chess prodigy spent decades running from the law after he played a game of chess with Boris Spassky...
Scientists clone first monkey wrench
"This will be a valuable tool for treating or curing human homes & vehicles," said one scientist. But hardware stores are opposed to the cloning. "We won't honor a 'lifetime warranty' from a cloned tool," an industry spokesman said...
Fake victims thank FEMA at fake press conference
"I'm amazed at FEMA's improvement since the Hurricane Katrina disaster," said Paul Wilson, a FEMA employee who was posing as a victim of the California fires at FEMA's fake press conference...
US Air Force begs for "swift withdrawal" from Iraq
"We need all of our Airmen on the home front so they can fight in the war against identity theft," said an Air Force general...
U.S. DHS raises terror level over new Bruce Willis movie
Fears millions of Muslim teenagers will try to duplicate the realistic hacker stunts in "Die Hard 4.0" movie. "If enough of them gang up, they could remotely destroy America by computer," DHS undersecretary Greg Garcia was quoted as saying...
John McClane named U.S. cybersecurity czar
The living legend, played by Bruce Willis in "Die Hard" movies, will replace disgraced DHS undersecretary Greg Garcia, who resigned after his policies failed to stop hackers from destroying America...
NATO threatens 'total war' with Russia
"Up to a million civilians may die on each side," NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer admitted, "but we must protect Estonia's websites from defacement..."
US DHS raises terror alert to "orange"
Officials fear Osama bin Laden will release videotape of an April Fool prank he played on his friends...
Al Qaeda suspect confesses to role in New Coke disaster
The suspect, Walid bin Attash, testified the bad-tasting soda was part of an elaborate terror plot so Coca Cola could exchange cane sugar for corn syrup in Classic Coke...
Tainted peanut butter kills "AskKaren.gov" medical expert
The civil servant known to many as "AskKaren.gov" will be "sorely missed," said the US Surgeon General...
NYC restaurant buys poisoned peanut butter
"Rats love peanut butter and we've got a rat problem," said the restaurant owner. "It just seems like a no-brainer..."
US Air Force halts printing of weekly base newspapers
Military's transition to "web-based newspapers" spells disaster for ink manufacturers and crossword puzzle makers. "We're expecting massive layoffs in those sectors," a Pentagon spokesman said...
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