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Royal Corgis Now Go To Bathroom On Servants
As the days in Buckingham Palace get shorter. a new solution to doing a number two has been found. An army of "Poo Servants" has been hired to lay down instantly for the corgis to crap on.
Porridge Tankers To Pump Porridge Into Troughs For Poor Who Can't Cook
Arrangements are being made for porridge troughs to be built outside Westminster so that Lady Jenkin can herd starving people who can't cook towards the healthy but revolting substance.
Did Queen Mother Eat Missing Australian Prime Minister ?
D.N.A. matching Harold Holt's the Prime Minister of Australia who disappeared while swimming near the Queen Mother in 1967 has been found on her fish knife by detectives looking for missing poachers.
Drunken Glaswegians Using Voice Changers To Give Taxi Drivers Directions
Taxis dropping Drunken Scotsmen off at the wrong address could be a thing of the past now with the new Mc Dyson Invention, an on the fly translator. Mc Dyson apparently got the idea from "Star Trek".
Radicalised Hamsters With Suicide Belts Attack Hamster Wheel Factory
Jihadi style hamsters with sparklers tied to their waists have "fizzled" a pet toy factory in Scunthorpe. The factory manufactures giant Millenium hamster wheels, considered cruel by free hamsters.
Princess Beatrice Hacks Into Kim Jong Un's Computer
Princess Beatrice is alleged to have hacked into Kim Jong Un's hacking computer to disrupt his hacking. Earlier Justin Bieber allegedly extracted pin-ups of the handsome ruler in a fit of jealousy.
Sprouts Now Officially Protected Species
It will be a sproutless Christmas, to the delight of children this year, as the WPA have banned all picking of them. Lack of harvesting controls, allowing baby ones to be routinely eaten is to blame.
Put Christmas Slow Cooked Pork In Oven Now - Scientists
Dr. Brian Cock has issued a health warning that slow cooked pork for Christmas day should be going in the oven now. This will prevent overcooking and indigestion he told The Spoof's Xmas reporter.
Opticians To Stock Correction Spectacles For Wine Effects
Opticians have invented glasses to counter the "bottle of wine effect". Restoring chat up selectivity, they re-establish the ability to distinguish between Prince Harry and Justin Bieber types.
Wiggly Supermarket Trolley Wheel Problem Solved At "Up-market" Superstores
British engineer Sir Craps Shooter-Dyson has invented a wheel-less shopping trolley which uses super-conducting maglift priciples. The smoother trolley is only for posh shops like Fortnum and Masons.
Beer Rocket Safety Flares Available Online To Guide Drinkers Home
Forget the worry of coming out of a city bar at night and having to use a beer compass to get home. A beer rocket like those used by sinking ships can now fire a homing flare to guide you home by GPS.
Black Friday a Washout As Rain Forces Everyone Into Shops
Black Friday, the festival which should have been a celebration of Soul Music, Reggae, Blues, Nelson Mandela and Diana Ross a turned out to be a washout as rain forced everyone into shops.
Call For Free Hearing Aids As Woman Tries To Make Cheese With Muslim's Bag Stolen From Mosque
A hard of hearing woman shopping for cheese making items stole a Muslim's bag from a Mosque in Chicago this motning instead of the correct item, a muslin bag. Her apologies were accepted.
Abominable Snowman Melts
The Abominable Snowman, a giant Yeti, captured by Brian Blessard on Mt. Everest has melted today due to global warming. It was found in the "Blue Peter Garden" replica on the I.O.W.
Fool A Prisoner Day To Take Place On Saturday
Practical jokers will wait outside U.K.prisons on Saturday dressed in silver tunics or flying about in cars suspended by invisible wires so that released lifers will think they've done 100 years.
Fire Brigade Called To Shopping Mall Bathroom As Hand Drier Pins Woman To Ceiling
A new generation of super-powerful hand driers were criticised yesterday after a woman was blown to the ceiling while drying her face. The Dison Mk.2 Tornado driers were being recalled yesterday.
Cathedrals To Be Used For Easter Egg Production
Chocolate Eggs and even chocolate crosses are to be made by newly appointed egg deacons in Cathedrals across the U.K. Proceeds will go towards roof repairs and mending holes in Bishop's robes.
Procol Harem Tribute Band Droned By Mistake
Tribute "Whiter Shade Of Pale" band Bokol Harem were this morning accidentally targeted by "Obama Drone" anti terrorist killer drones while performing in Scunthorpe. Tributes poured in this morning.
Ayer's Rock Discovered To Be Balancing Weight For Planet Wobble
A tire fitter interviewed by our Australian reporter revealed yesterday that he was employed by God to balance the planet's tendency to wobble at 60 m.p.h by chipping bits of Ayer's Rock away.
Freak Meteor Shower Triggers "Iron Bucket" Defence System
A meteor shower known as the "Persimmonoid Shower" rained down on the Middle East this morning, automatically triggerring defence systems. After initial panic, everyone saw the funny side of things.
Pictures of Prince George Smoking Sold To Newspapers By Paparazzi
Newspapers have paid millions for photos of the smoking aftermath the fires in Prince George, British Columbia, thinking they were getting photographs of Royal Baby Millionaire Prince George smoking.
An Arab Spring Beats An Archimedes Screw In New Tabloid Sex Survey
According to a "Tabloid Newspaper" survey of favourite love positions, "The Missionary" has fallen behind the "Archimedes Screw" making popular new favourite the "Arab Spring" the new number one.
Grandpa Arrested After Party Trick
A Grandpa's magic piss trick backfired when police were called to a party after parents were told that Grandpa had peed into color containing jelly jars. But it was all an illusion, said the cops.
Sprunt Festival Planned To Celebrate Scottish Independence
Sprunt, meaning "to chase girls around among the haystacks after dark" is recorded in an old dictionary of the dialect of Roxburgh. It is one of many customs to be revived after Independence.
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