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New York Distillery Raided By Elliot Ness
The first new Big Apple Gin distillery since prohibition has been smashed up by Elliot Ness, a distant relative of Elliot Ness. "I saw Alice Capone in there", he drunkenly explained to bogus cops.
Electric Chairs To Be Installed In Obamacare Homes
Care homes are to have "Old Sparky" style electric chairs installed to help reduce the cost of arthritis medication. the voltage applied will be similar to Star Trek "Set to stun" levels.
Turkeys Become Suspicious Of "Too Good To Be True" Environment
Reports of turkeys peering under cage doors and through holes in sheds are being taken seriously after the catastrophic consequences (a glut of small turkeys) of a hunger strike were evaluated.
Gorilla Found In London Theatre
The audience of Drury Lane Theatre In London were involved in a lost escaped gorilla capture today.The entire stalls section came to the aid of Buttons by shouting "It's behind you" to him.
Jesus is Just Having A Quiet Family Christmas
Jesus announced on posters outside chapels today that after shopping online, he was just having a quiet Christmas with 5 loaves, 2 fishes and lots of home made wine. It's a miracle, I'm all ready!
Kim Jong un Has His Computer Gold Plated
Kim Jong un's fantastic incredibly fast and up to date Commodore 64 computer has been gold plated and encrusted with diamonds to make it the best computer in the world.
Paparazzi Shocked As Christmas Prince George Photos Reveal He Looks Like A Normal 16 Month Old Child
Paparazzi clamouring to get photos of wealthy 16 month old baby Prince George were astounded when they found their cameras had recorded that Prince George was a normal 16 month old toddler.
Christmas Appears To Be Approaching
Evidence of the stealthy approach of Christmas is mounting, with reports coming in to our Christmas reporters' buildings of Tweets and Facebook pages suggesting its likely date as December 25th.
Photos Of Prince George Published To Reward Press For Not Publishing Pictures Of Prince George
Prince William and the Duchess of Kate have supplied our royal baby department with carefully photoshopped photos of Prince George as a reward for not publishing Paparazzi photos of Prince George.
Royal Corgis Now Go To Bathroom On Servants
As the days in Buckingham Palace get shorter. a new solution to doing a number two has been found. An army of "Poo Servants" has been hired to lay down instantly for the corgis to crap on.
Porridge Tankers To Pump Porridge Into Troughs For Poor Who Can't Cook
Arrangements are being made for porridge troughs to be built outside Westminster so that Lady Jenkin can herd starving people who can't cook towards the healthy but revolting substance.
Did Queen Mother Eat Missing Australian Prime Minister ?
D.N.A. matching Harold Holt's the Prime Minister of Australia who disappeared while swimming near the Queen Mother in 1967 has been found on her fish knife by detectives looking for missing poachers.
Drunken Glaswegians Using Voice Changers To Give Taxi Drivers Directions
Taxis dropping Drunken Scotsmen off at the wrong address could be a thing of the past now with the new Mc Dyson Invention, an on the fly translator. Mc Dyson apparently got the idea from "Star Trek".
Radicalised Hamsters With Suicide Belts Attack Hamster Wheel Factory
Jihadi style hamsters with sparklers tied to their waists have "fizzled" a pet toy factory in Scunthorpe. The factory manufactures giant Millenium hamster wheels, considered cruel by free hamsters.
Princess Beatrice Hacks Into Kim Jong Un's Computer
Princess Beatrice is alleged to have hacked into Kim Jong Un's hacking computer to disrupt his hacking. Earlier Justin Bieber allegedly extracted pin-ups of the handsome ruler in a fit of jealousy.
Sprouts Now Officially Protected Species
It will be a sproutless Christmas, to the delight of children this year, as the WPA have banned all picking of them. Lack of harvesting controls, allowing baby ones to be routinely eaten is to blame.
Put Christmas Slow Cooked Pork In Oven Now - Scientists
Dr. Brian Cock has issued a health warning that slow cooked pork for Christmas day should be going in the oven now. This will prevent overcooking and indigestion he told The Spoof's Xmas reporter.
Opticians To Stock Correction Spectacles For Wine Effects
Opticians have invented glasses to counter the "bottle of wine effect". Restoring chat up selectivity, they re-establish the ability to distinguish between Prince Harry and Justin Bieber types.
Wiggly Supermarket Trolley Wheel Problem Solved At "Up-market" Superstores
British engineer Sir Craps Shooter-Dyson has invented a wheel-less shopping trolley which uses super-conducting maglift priciples. The smoother trolley is only for posh shops like Fortnum and Masons.
Beer Rocket Safety Flares Available Online To Guide Drinkers Home
Forget the worry of coming out of a city bar at night and having to use a beer compass to get home. A beer rocket like those used by sinking ships can now fire a homing flare to guide you home by GPS.
Black Friday a Washout As Rain Forces Everyone Into Shops
Black Friday, the festival which should have been a celebration of Soul Music, Reggae, Blues, Nelson Mandela and Diana Ross a turned out to be a washout as rain forced everyone into shops.
Call For Free Hearing Aids As Woman Tries To Make Cheese With Muslim's Bag Stolen From Mosque
A hard of hearing woman shopping for cheese making items stole a Muslim's bag from a Mosque in Chicago this motning instead of the correct item, a muslin bag. Her apologies were accepted.
Abominable Snowman Melts
The Abominable Snowman, a giant Yeti, captured by Brian Blessard on Mt. Everest has melted today due to global warming. It was found in the "Blue Peter Garden" replica on the I.O.W.
Fool A Prisoner Day To Take Place On Saturday
Practical jokers will wait outside U.K.prisons on Saturday dressed in silver tunics or flying about in cars suspended by invisible wires so that released lifers will think they've done 100 years.
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