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Vatican Closes Down Miracle Response Units (M.R.U.s)
Fifty Miracle Squads are to be closed from January 2015 due to loss of laundering revenue. Changes in Laundry rules have forced laundering to be done by nuns. Miracle numbers will be issued by phone.
Bagless Mc.Dyson Secretly at Work in Wales to Rid the Country of Old Bags and Boilers
Bagless Mc.Dyson is secretly working on a bagless Welsh ladies' handbag to rid the country of bags. The handbag uses a car battery, but the contents float weightlessly. Boiler elimination is next.
No Ronnies At All show being recorded for Christmas
The BBC has paid millions to prevent last year's glut of "Ronnies" shows. Ronnies have been paid not to take part in a one off Ronnieless spectacular called "The no Ronnies at all Show".
Anti-wrinkle bath oil dropped by helicopter as Somerset is swamped again by storms
Industrial sized bath oil drums were dropped on Somerset by helicopter this morning to avoid women's fingers becoming irreversibly wrinkled. This follows Parabeautician deployment earlier today.
Cameron - I went to Heaton not Eton
It's easy to make the mistake that David Cameron is an Eton "old boy", but in fact he went to Heaton school. "I have to laugh when people make this mistake", he told our Education reporter.
Welsh farmer fancies Uranus
Welsh farmer Dylan Donaudamauchnadfidchiffahrrhyspitaenswitweru fancies Uranus. No misunderstandings mind you. Its you arse he fancies, not the race horse, not the planet, Your Arse
Chinese rice farmers look for quick turnover in Somerset paddy fields
Chinese helicopters have created rice paddy fields all over Somerset. The genetically modified rice will be harvested by a Chinese satellite with a tractor beam when it is ready.
UKIP party have natural comedy talent now exceeding that of Kim Jon un
UKIP, Britain's chief comedy party appear to be trying to attract Spoof writers' attention by consistently shooting their credibility in the arse. They have now topped Kim Jon un in the twat league.
Spanish viewers vote Manuel from Fawlty Towers all time funniest T.V. character
Although first sppearing more than thirty years ago, Manuel (the waiter from Barcelona) is still regarded by Spanish T. V. Viewers as the most accurate portrayal of a Spaniard in history.
Australian P.M. calls for Sting Rays to be called Big Flat Poisonous Fish
The misleading name Sting Ray is to be altered to stop Australian popular T.V. presenters from hugging them. The new name of Big Flat Poisonous Fish should help presenters to treat them with caution.
Bernie Ecclestone steps down from F.1 board and wears built up shoes instead
Bernie Ecclestone has again stepped down from the board provided for him to see over the table top at F.1 claiming he is taller than 4 ft. 1 and high heels will enable him to see over the table.
Millions deprived of Chinese Food due to forgetting about Chinese New Year
Statistics from Bejing Ministry for Chinese Food Carry Outs show that people who are supposed to bring Chinese food back from a night out with the fellas are forgetting about the Chinese New Year!
Welsh "Blarney Stones" unveiled
In an effort to attain the popularity of Ireland as a tourist destination, the Prince of Wales has unveiled a set of "Jones Stones" which can be kissed to improve bullshitting skills.
Australia twinned with Glasgow due to cultural similarities
Australia, a relatively unknown country north of New Zealand has been twinned with the City of Glasgow. Alexei Salmon said yesterday that he would be appealing, as "Glaswegians are quite posh now."
New Royal baby's first word is in Welsh
Unaccountably, new Royal baby George Alexander Louis has spoken his first word in Welsh, "gwrthddatgysylltiadaeth", the Welsh Gaelic for Daddy !!!!
Depressed peat bog found in Wales
Wales, home to peat mires, raised peat bogs, level peat bogs and raised peat mires has hit the jackpot with the discovery of a depressed peat bog at Y Borth, near Aberystwith.
Raised peat mire at Y Borth officially eighth "Wonder of the World"
A piece of swamp on a stone in the glittering Welsh tourist magnet of Y Borth has now been nominated by World Heritage as a very nice raised peat bog, putting Y Borth level with Las Vegas in tourism.
Daily Mail sales appear to fall with increasing use of soft toilet paper
A major selling point of the daily Mail may have been wiped. Forget squares of the "News" paper in public Portaloos, soft toilet rolls have now replaced our favourite wipe.
Wales's top attractions 2013
1) Raised peat mire near Borth.
2) Dylan Thomas's toilet
4) Tatacre Beach
5) Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch village
6) Slates on sides of houses.
Ipod rice trick works due to Chinese "rice fairies"
The "Putting a broken iPod in a bag with some rice" repair works due to "magic rice fairies", Stephen Hawking said yesterday. "It's not due to hungry Chinese assembly line workers fixing it."
Scottish square sausages are "the right shape" according to Salmond
Alexei Salmonds, says square Scottish sausage slices will be the only sausages allowed in the EU when he regains the Throne. They will have to be made in Scotland, but within the U.S.K after 2016.
Daily Maille so fond of Royal Scroungers it decides to give them handouts
The Daily Maille loves the helicopter using money squandering Royal parasites so much that it has put them on its payroll to the relief of the public who have to pay for them by working for a living.
Linda Blaire re-possessed
After the release of The Exorcist, the movie studio lost money. Demons re-possessed Linda Blaire until debts were paid off. She was later re-exorcised by Anthony Hopkirk in a sequel.
Snakes on a Plane 3 movie is about Snakes on a Plane
The Movie, "Snakes on a Plane 3" is once again about Snakes on a Plane. The studio said this morning, "We have stuck to the "Snakes on a Plane" format this time and missed out Snakes on a Plane 2."
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