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Tom Cruise's Body Thetans Return and Disable His Leg
"I'm pretty sure once I take the next OT level the body thetans will be gone for good!" said Cruise.
Trump Says Obama and Hillary Tricked Donald Trump, Jr. Into Releasing Incriminating E-Mails
"I got disguised, got him drunk, and then hypnotized him to make his e-mails public." said Hillary.
Bozo T. Clown Fired as Trump Press Secretary
After only 48 hours as Press Sec., Mr. Clown was fired by Trump for "inappropriate working attire."
Queen Decides She Will Skip Over Prince William and Make Prince George the Next King
"I figured, if we are going to go for a younger king, let's go all the way!" said the Queen.
Guam Preemptively Surrenders To North Korea in Response to Nuclear Threats
"Would you trust someone like Trump whose never heard of you to defend you?" asked the head of Guam.
Trump Calls Palace of Versailles "A Real Dump"
"I just like to be at home in my NY penthouse or at my own golf course, courtesy of the taxpayers!"
President Trump Locks Eric Trump in the Tower of Trump Tower
"Eric broke and admitted to the press that he helped fund my campaign with charity money. Too weak!"
Putin and Trump Might Be Breaking Up
It always comes down to the 'S' word-SANCTIONS! Will Kim Jong-Un mediate the fight?
Trump Breaks His Promise To LGBT Community When He Finds Out What the Initials Stand For
"Transgender? I didn't know that was in there! We can't have that in the military!" said Trump.
Elton John Foils Princess Di Body Exhumation and Theft
Sir Elton John stopped Diana's grave-robbers by singing "England's Rose" over and over.
Trump Sends Secret Service to Walter Reed Hospital to Find the Gang of Green
"I just saw somewhere that someone there died because of gang of green. We're on it!" said Trump.
Melania Trump Gets Lost on Her Way to the White House and Ends Up in Paris
But she did locate a new wardrobe, which will make being First Lady so much easier!
Trump Tweets that He's Afraid Obama or Crooked Hillary Will Screw up the Eclipse
Trump promised that he would make sure the eclipse happens.
Morning Joe and Mika Disappear
"They probably just had plastic surgery and now no one can recognize them," said Trump.
One of Trump's Childhood Babysitters Will Be Head of the Department of Homeland Security
"I always felt safe whenever she was the babysitter" spoke Trump.
Trump Accidentally Tweets Into the 6th Dimension
After they had an argument with Trump, we are now caught up in an inter-dimensional war with them!
Trump Tweets That Global Warming is Hillary and Obama's Fault
"Once we recognize the REAL culprits behind global warming the sooner we can move on" tweeted Trump.
Trump Visits Great Wall of China, Suggests They Install Solar Panels
"The Mexicans want us to put my Trumpco Solar Panels on their wall" claimed Trump.
Trump Bans Guns for Democrats
"Democrats will want to use guns once they see the programs we have planned," admitted Trump.
Trump to Ban Periodic Table of Elements
"Everyone wants to have an element named Trumpium, and until there is, the table is tabled!" -Trump
Trump Bans Ghettos
"I think all the poverty, the crime and drug dealing is in the ghetto so we are banning ghettos."
Trump Says He Will Re-Join the Paris Climate Control Agreement on One Condition
"When it is renamed the Trump Climate Control Agreement, the U.S. will join again," said Trump.
Science Doesn't Have Enough Experience to Predict Global Warming Says Trump
"Superstition has been around much longer and has been doing a great job for centuries" said Trump."
Eric Trump Says Democrats Are "Not Real People"
"If they were real people, they would know, stealing from children's cancer charities is expected!"
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