Showing snippets written by Samuel Vargo.
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Everything FOX News says is right out of The Holy Bible -
Says a rabid Tea Partier, counting down the minutes to 2014, adding, And the world's going to end at 3:13 a.m. on January 15th. Jesus told me last night as he was perched on top of my Christmas tree.
Louisiana's Moses Says to Marry 15-Year-Old Girls -
Yeah, long-bearded one, ten minutes with her 15-year-old body will get a good 10 years sliced off a grown man's life. Do the fuzzy math yourself, you backwoods bayou Einstein.
Cuba will eliminate a currency pegged to the dollar -
And the peso to dollar ratio is so low that Cubans will now use cigars and sugar cane as a bartering system. Fidel's former fiddling around finally paid off!!!
"Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white!"
Tweeted Justine Sacco, who was IAC's corporate communications director. Her tweet went viral and she's not going to Africa, but to the unemployment line after Duck Dynastying herself. Quack Quack.
The Spoof has the holidays a little out of whack -
We're celebrating New Year's on Dec. 25th and Christmas on Jan. 1. We're in a hurry to party and by the first of the year, we'll all be sober enough to get sort of serious.
Everybody happy, happy, happy
That the Duck Dynasty guys finally made a very serious faux pas. Stick with the silliness, guys, and stay away from social issues.
Miley Cyrus's Christmas card has all concerned -
Keep those hearts on those nipples, Miley, we're not all too drunk to really appreciate them.
Now that the leader of The Free World is gone -
When is A & E bringing Phil Robinson back? Quack quack.
"We made a mistake! There's a ghost in the machine! That's a picture of the Empire State Building!"
That's what Chinese astronomers shrieked after China's Jack Rabbit Rover landed in NYC rather than the moon and sent back pictures.
China's Leading Politicians Upset Over Rampant Grafitti on Buildings -
They want the old, gray, ugly, morose China back and having these creative kids spray painting walls with bright colors and designs would have Chairman Mao rolling around in his grave!
"Cronyism" at "dysfunctional" BBC led to executives getting larger pay-offs than they deserved -
This is what MPs have said. Of course there's absolutely no "cronyism" or "payoffs" in the government, MPs insist.
Hospitals in England must ensure 'senior doctors' are available seven days a week
Sir Bruce Keogh says off the record, "When we can get nine, 10 or 11 days crammed into one week, they'll be available, too. We're monkeying around with the weekly calendar. Stay tuned to the BBC."
Anonymous Chinese Businessman Insensed about an American Tycoon calling China "a Third World Country" -
"That guy is very poor," the Chinese Businessman snipped. "He has two yachts made in Beijing. I have three American Yacht companies in Florida and two others in California."
John Goodman has hosted SNL every year from 1989 to 2001 -
Returning to SNL last weekend after a long hiatus, and playing a giant snowflake, he admits: "I've finally arrived. If only the Coen brothers could see me now."
FOX News' Megyn Kelly says yes, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ were white men -
And she has been reported saying off the record that "So were Martin Luther King, Crazy Horse, the Dalai Lama, and Mahatma Gandhi."
Alabama Crimson Tide Coach Nick Saban blows off loss to Auburn -
"We lost on purpose," he said of the crazy 100-yard touchdown run after Alabama missed a field goal to lose the game. "We're playing in the NFL next year and didn't want to look too good right now."
From 'Free Birds' to 'The Lion King,' our feathered friends have taken over Hollywood -
Can birds get into the Actors Guild? Fly away, you birdbrained scriptwriters. The birds are descending like a Hitchcockian nightmare.
Andy Kaufman's brother: "I've been misquoted"
- on the subject of Andy still being alive. Really? The brother of a man who was a mud wrestler of women and didn't say one decipherable thing on "Taxi"? Is this dysfunctional jibber-jabber, too?
Avril Lavigne doesn't remember much of her wedding
- She told Chelsea Handler on "Chelsea Lately." Handler told the audience she doesn't remember much of the last decade because of her wedding with Mr. Vodka.
Eddie Cibrian says LeAnn Rimes wants to have a baby girl 'badly'
But so do 599 million other women who won't have a celebrity moment over this biological act.
Paul McCartney urges Vladamir Putin to free environmental protesters -
Russia still has to free POWs from WW-II; so Paul, don't hold your breath. We want you to sing your great songs. Don't damage your voice box.
Betty White says she plans to spend Christmas alone
- With the ghost of Christmas past, present, and future. In her younger days, she spent one holiday with Charles Dickens and says she misses those old Victorian Christmases.
Chris Brown is still in "rehab" but was spotted getting some grub
- at a restaurant/bar. He had a kind and gentle paparazzi who didn't take a photo of a row of beer bottles in front of his dinner.
Baltimore Hooters girl says her hair color got her fired
No kidding!? Is this the human resource management of a corporation that makes women wear practically nothing with their breasts hanging out, while coercing them to flirt with ugly old guys?!
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