Showing snippets written by Samuel Vargo.
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Now that the leader of The Free World is gone -
When is A & E bringing Phil Robinson back? Quack quack.
"We made a mistake! There's a ghost in the machine! That's a picture of the Empire State Building!"
That's what Chinese astronomers shrieked after China's Jack Rabbit Rover landed in NYC rather than the moon and sent back pictures.
China's Leading Politicians Upset Over Rampant Grafitti on Buildings -
They want the old, gray, ugly, morose China back and having these creative kids spray painting walls with bright colors and designs would have Chairman Mao rolling around in his grave!
"Cronyism" at "dysfunctional" BBC led to executives getting larger pay-offs than they deserved -
This is what MPs have said. Of course there's absolutely no "cronyism" or "payoffs" in the government, MPs insist.
Hospitals in England must ensure 'senior doctors' are available seven days a week
Sir Bruce Keogh says off the record, "When we can get nine, 10 or 11 days crammed into one week, they'll be available, too. We're monkeying around with the weekly calendar. Stay tuned to the BBC."
Anonymous Chinese Businessman Insensed about an American Tycoon calling China "a Third World Country" -
"That guy is very poor," the Chinese Businessman snipped. "He has two yachts made in Beijing. I have three American Yacht companies in Florida and two others in California."
John Goodman has hosted SNL every year from 1989 to 2001 -
Returning to SNL last weekend after a long hiatus, and playing a giant snowflake, he admits: "I've finally arrived. If only the Coen brothers could see me now."
FOX News' Megyn Kelly says yes, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ were white men -
And she has been reported saying off the record that "So were Martin Luther King, Crazy Horse, the Dalai Lama, and Mahatma Gandhi."
Alabama Crimson Tide Coach Nick Saban blows off loss to Auburn -
"We lost on purpose," he said of the crazy 100-yard touchdown run after Alabama missed a field goal to lose the game. "We're playing in the NFL next year and didn't want to look too good right now."
From 'Free Birds' to 'The Lion King,' our feathered friends have taken over Hollywood -
Can birds get into the Actors Guild? Fly away, you birdbrained scriptwriters. The birds are descending like a Hitchcockian nightmare.
Andy Kaufman's brother: "I've been misquoted"
- on the subject of Andy still being alive. Really? The brother of a man who was a mud wrestler of women and didn't say one decipherable thing on "Taxi"? Is this dysfunctional jibber-jabber, too?
Avril Lavigne doesn't remember much of her wedding
- She told Chelsea Handler on "Chelsea Lately." Handler told the audience she doesn't remember much of the last decade because of her wedding with Mr. Vodka.
Eddie Cibrian says LeAnn Rimes wants to have a baby girl 'badly'
But so do 599 million other women who won't have a celebrity moment over this biological act.
Paul McCartney urges Vladamir Putin to free environmental protesters -
Russia still has to free POWs from WW-II; so Paul, don't hold your breath. We want you to sing your great songs. Don't damage your voice box.
Betty White says she plans to spend Christmas alone
- With the ghost of Christmas past, present, and future. In her younger days, she spent one holiday with Charles Dickens and says she misses those old Victorian Christmases.
Chris Brown is still in "rehab" but was spotted getting some grub
- at a restaurant/bar. He had a kind and gentle paparazzi who didn't take a photo of a row of beer bottles in front of his dinner.
Baltimore Hooters girl says her hair color got her fired
No kidding!? Is this the human resource management of a corporation that makes women wear practically nothing with their breasts hanging out, while coercing them to flirt with ugly old guys?!
Asteroid that whizzed by the Earth to rebound in 19 years
NASA says not to worry, the rock's chance of hitting Earth is only one in 63,000, much greater than the chance of winning a state lottery (one in 175 million).
One-third of American adults get their news from Facebook
- Which leads us to believe most think the world is flat and that the Tea Party is not the 'Stark-Raving Serious LSD Party'
Google plans to use your identity for their ads!
So when the federal government gets back on track (if the day actually comes), call the NSA and complain!
Cavemen More Advanced than 21st Century Humankind:
Eons ago, our ancestors learned to recycle the objects they used, collecting rejected & busted flint & bone tools to make new utensils. And they didn't have facebook, Google, Microsoft or Amazon!
National Pet Obesity Survey: "80 million pets are obese"
Celebrate National Pet Obesity Day this Wednesday: Give Fido & Snowball triple rations. Keep them beside you as you eat ice cream, potato chips, drink beer, and watch football & soaps.
Autoerotic asphyxiation possible in Ariel Castro's death -
Life without parole is so, so boring. Shucks, he lost out with a death sentence by hanging, firing squad, guillotine, or electrocution (all these would've given him a good jolt, too).
Cell phone technology gives grieving families a way to hear their loved ones' voices long after they've passed.
But even with the most advanced technology, dead loved ones' voices can't be kept forever. So be really mean to your loved ones so they haunt you until you die.
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