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Hillary: Putin "just like Hitler"
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that, in her "considered opinion," excpet for Putin's mustache, the Russian president looks "just like Hitler."
Pistorius trial: witnesses heard "loud arguing" before shooting
Witnesses in the Oscar Pistorius trial testified to hearing "loud arguing" before shots were fired. Pistorus' attorneys claim the athlete was "arguing with himself." They didn't comment on the shots.
Putin wants to host new Olympics
Russian president Vladimit ("The Impaler") Putin expressed interest in hosting another Olympics "as soon as possible" as a means of funding his country's invasion of Ukraine.
Californians: enough is enough!
After hiring raindancers to end their drought, Californians, who have endured tornados, flash floods, and tsunamis during the last 48 hours, beg God to cease and desist. "Enough is enough," they pray.
Meliisa Joan Hart's attention-getting strategy
Actress Melissa Joan Hart gained 400 pounds before the Academy Awards so she'd "stand out" on the red carpet.
For the president who has everything
This Christmas, the First Lady is buying hubbie Barack Obummer 144 new pens and a Blackberry smartphone so he can keep "moving forward" in passing legislation without Congressional input.
Millions more Americans enroll in Obummercare
Sick to death of being pestered to enroll, millions of Americans have signed up for Obummercare. The catch is that most don't intend to pay any premiums.
Googel adds NSFW to domain name suffixes
To enhance the Internet search experience, Google now requires sites that feature content related to Miley Cyrus and others of her ilk to use the new ".NSFW" domain name suffice (not safe for work).
Californians reap big benefits from faith
Driven to desperation by drought, Californians hired dowsers to find water. Yesterday and today, their faith was amply rewarded, as floods wash away most of the southern portion of the Golden State.
Pistorius makes appeal
A day before his trial, Oscar Pistorius appealed to the Academy of Motion Piture Arts and Sciences to award him an Oscar for acting innocent of his girlfriend's homicide.
Democrats and Republicans both court voters
With the U. S. Senate hanging in the balance, both Democrats and Republicans both court voters. However, voters remain "uncommitted."
Hillary, Bill, and Monica make three
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Hillary Clinton recently invited Monica "The Mouth" Lewinsky to join her husband Bill and her in a "threesome."
Chelsea Clnton: three's company
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Chelsea Clinton has reportedly had three-way sex with her husband Marc Mezvinsky and her dad's former lover, Monica Lewinsky.
Oregon woman trappedin in "crater" for a week
Sharon Bates, 52, was not dressed when she became "stuck" in a "crater" for a week, but she's survived, wet and "frigid," but unharmed, and vows to continue to perform cunnilingus, despite her ordeal.
Page: read the subtext!
In Sin City, aspiring actress Ellen Page announced "I'm gay," only to hear comedienne Ellen Degeneris retort, "I'm giving up girls," as Taylor Swift rolled her eyes.
Paris Hilton "unintentionally" bares all (again)
During her birthday bash at Hollywood's Greystone Manor, dumb blonde Paris Hilton suffered a "wardrobe malfunction": when she stepped out of her unzipped gown, she ended up in her birthday suit.
Law's exception proves Museveni supports gays
To prove that he is not homophobic, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni signed into law legislation sentencing homosexuals to life in prison "unless they are hot-looking lesbians."
Maybe if he'd ordered fries with that?
A Hooters restaurant refuses to serve San Diego's sex-addicted mayor, Bob Filner, fearing he may not have meant chicken when he ordered "a breast and a thigh."
After all, there are a lot of sickos in the Golden State
California's Gov. Moonbeam Brown is annoyed at the feds for seizing $2.5 million worth of pot that the cash-strapped state was growing in Topanga State Park for sale for patients' "medical use."
Anthony Weiner offers "services" to Hillary Clinton
Anthony Weiner seeks a role in Hillary Clinton's likely 2016 presidential campaign. "I can keep Bill busy," he said. "All he needs is a couple photos of his presidential staff, and the rest is easy."
Calfornia's transgender rights law lets students determine own sex and gender
Gov. "Moonbeam" Brown signed into law a bill that lets students pick their sex and gender based on whether they prefer to pee seated or standing. The law's a favorite topic among stand-up comics.
Motor City's cops look after their own
Detroit is bankrupt, but it has spent thousands to identify and communicate its female police officers' bra sizes. Commander Love defended the expenditure: "That sort of information is priceless."
Michelle Obama's "poetic" message to America's children
Michelle Obama and her husband's speechwriters are releasing a rap album about eating vegetables. The lyrics are X-rated, and include the chorus, "Doan be fat!/ Eat yo f**kin' spinach, brat!"
Rupert Murdoch may buy Irish newspaper
Rupert Murdoch may buy the Irish Sun. If so, he vows to restore its discontinued "Page 3 Girls" feature, which showed topless models: "I want to restore the breast reading in the British Isles."
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