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Pistorius makes appeal
A day before his trial, Oscar Pistorius appealed to the Academy of Motion Piture Arts and Sciences to award him an Oscar for acting innocent of his girlfriend's homicide.
Democrats and Republicans both court voters
With the U. S. Senate hanging in the balance, both Democrats and Republicans both court voters. However, voters remain "uncommitted."
Hillary, Bill, and Monica make three
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Hillary Clinton recently invited Monica "The Mouth" Lewinsky to join her husband Bill and her in a "threesome."
Chelsea Clnton: three's company
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Chelsea Clinton has reportedly had three-way sex with her husband Marc Mezvinsky and her dad's former lover, Monica Lewinsky.
Oregon woman trappedin in "crater" for a week
Sharon Bates, 52, was not dressed when she became "stuck" in a "crater" for a week, but she's survived, wet and "frigid," but unharmed, and vows to continue to perform cunnilingus, despite her ordeal.
Page: read the subtext!
In Sin City, aspiring actress Ellen Page announced "I'm gay," only to hear comedienne Ellen Degeneris retort, "I'm giving up girls," as Taylor Swift rolled her eyes.
Paris Hilton "unintentionally" bares all (again)
During her birthday bash at Hollywood's Greystone Manor, dumb blonde Paris Hilton suffered a "wardrobe malfunction": when she stepped out of her unzipped gown, she ended up in her birthday suit.
Law's exception proves Museveni supports gays
To prove that he is not homophobic, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni signed into law legislation sentencing homosexuals to life in prison "unless they are hot-looking lesbians."
Maybe if he'd ordered fries with that?
A Hooters restaurant refuses to serve San Diego's sex-addicted mayor, Bob Filner, fearing he may not have meant chicken when he ordered "a breast and a thigh."
After all, there are a lot of sickos in the Golden State
California's Gov. Moonbeam Brown is annoyed at the feds for seizing $2.5 million worth of pot that the cash-strapped state was growing in Topanga State Park for sale for patients' "medical use."
Anthony Weiner offers "services" to Hillary Clinton
Anthony Weiner seeks a role in Hillary Clinton's likely 2016 presidential campaign. "I can keep Bill busy," he said. "All he needs is a couple photos of his presidential staff, and the rest is easy."
Calfornia's transgender rights law lets students determine own sex and gender
Gov. "Moonbeam" Brown signed into law a bill that lets students pick their sex and gender based on whether they prefer to pee seated or standing. The law's a favorite topic among stand-up comics.
Motor City's cops look after their own
Detroit is bankrupt, but it has spent thousands to identify and communicate its female police officers' bra sizes. Commander Love defended the expenditure: "That sort of information is priceless."
Michelle Obama's "poetic" message to America's children
Michelle Obama and her husband's speechwriters are releasing a rap album about eating vegetables. The lyrics are X-rated, and include the chorus, "Doan be fat!/ Eat yo f**kin' spinach, brat!"
Rupert Murdoch may buy Irish newspaper
Rupert Murdoch may buy the Irish Sun. If so, he vows to restore its discontinued "Page 3 Girls" feature, which showed topless models: "I want to restore the breast reading in the British Isles."
Readers demand return of favorite newspaper feature
Now that the Irish Sun has discontinued its "Page 3" feature, which shows topless young women, subscriptions have plummeted, as readers demand, "Bring back the boobies!"
Anti-theft device increases thefts
Christian Conrad thought she had a sure sell with her invention, the Boobypack, to replace the fanny pack, but women find the purse encourages pickpockets; they can't wait to get their hands on it!"
At a busy Florida intersection, a desperate woman solicited funds for bigger breasts. "Not homeless," her plea, on hot-pink poster board read, "need boobs!" She collected $100,000 her first day.
California education to improve
With its Powerball Lottery at $425 million, bankrupt California should acquire enough money, through ticket sales, to improve its education system, which is near the nation's bottom in quality.
Philippines expands navy
The Philippines added a new warship to its naval fleet, which now boasts a totals of two vessels.
Obama favors higher minimum wage
In support of a higher minimum wage of $10 per hour, President Obama says he will accept such such a salary. "Pay me what I'm worth," he challenges Congress.
Taco Bell expands "waffle taco" test
Emboldened by reports of the 15-ton "fatberg" removed from a London sewer, Taco Bell plans to expand its tests of its new waffle taco. If a sewer can be cleaned, why not customers' arteries?
Obama chides Putin
As payback for Russia's asylum for whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama threatened to stay home and pout rather than attend Moscow summit, as Obama had previously planned to do.
Jennifer Aniston panics about stripper role
Just as she's set to take on a stripper role in a new film, Jennifer Aniston admits to panicking as she wonders, Are my breasts up to it?
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