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Vice Presiden Biden usurps President Obummer's power
Assuming the role of U. S. commander in chief, Joe Biden announced, "U. S. troops will chase ISIS to the gates of hell. If Obummer won't act, I will. Unlike the president, I have a strategy."
Biden: "We will follow ISIS to gates of hell"
U. S. troops wonder how to accomplish the mission Biden set for them when they're not allowed to leave the gates of the U. S. embassy in Iraq. "Simple," says Biden. "You're already at hell's gates."
Whee TV's "show sure to be a "hit"
Whee TV's new show, "Sex Box," features couples doing the dirty in a cardboard box at various locations around London. ("Box," producers point out, is slang for "vagina," so it's a heterosexual show.)
Teachers sentenced for sex with students
A former female high school teacher received six months in jail for having sex with a male student, while a male teacher at the same school received a six-year sentence for bedding a coed pupil.
All-male "bikini coffee shop" busted
An all-male "bikini coffee shop" in Everett, WA, was busted after female customers complained that the "cream" in their coffee wasn't exactly cream--not the dairy kind, at any rate.
Al Pacino's latest blockbuster
In his portrayal of a "sick bastard" who enjoys sex with animals, Al Pacino "plays with pussies" in his latest film, "Mange Horny."
Airlines' plan to stop onboard "knee defender" fights
To prevent violence over passengers' defense of their knee space, airlines are now requiring above-the-knee amputations prior to passengers' boarding of aircraft--unless they've paid for first class.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt marry
Now that he's made an "honest woman" of Angelina, Brad says the "thrill" in their relationship is "gone."
Angry Birds CEO to step down
Angry Birds CEO Mikael Hed will not head the Finnish company next year; he is being replaced because he is not "choleric" enough to effectively represent the hostile video game franchise.
Ft. Hood shooter seeks release
Nidal Hasan, the Army shrink who killed 13 people in his 2009 shooting spree at Ft. Hood, TX, asked to be paroled so he can "have the privilege" of joining ISIS. President Obama may order his pardon.
Chelsea Clinton "insulted" by NBC request
Spoiled brat Chelsea Clinton told NBC to take their job and "shove it," insulted by the request that she continue to intern at her current annual salary of $60,000." "I want more!" she explained.
Ellen challenges Hillary
Hollywood lesbian Ellen Degenerate issued an ice bucket challenge to "friend" Hillary Clinton. "She's too cheap to donate money," Ellen said, "and she has hot hooters. I bet she has nice pokies!"
Reid apologizes for being a racist
Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) told Asians he is sorry he's a racist after making offensive remarks about Chinese Americans and the Washington Redskins. "I was Wong," he admitted.
If the shoe fits. . . .
During a speech in Las Vegas this week, eternal presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was hit by a shoe thrown by a heckler. On the shoe was written, "Benghazi!"
Supreme Court sides with boobs
On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled that junior high and high school students have a right to study boobies, with only Justice Clarence Thomas dissenting. They also have the right to free condoms.
Griffith Park murderer charged with multiple counts of murder
Gabriel Campos-Martinez was arrested and charged with six counts of murder, one for each of his boyfriend's body parts (head, hands, penis, and feet), which he allegedly dumped in Griffith Park.
California dodges bullet
After surviving a 6.9 earthquake, California officials say they were lucky: "We dodged a bullet." However, God assures the Golden State that He hasd plenty more ammo left.
Mattel designs new "Barbie fashions" for women
Mattel, the maker of Barbie, is selling 10 outfits that can help real women look more like the doll. "The impossible is possible now," the company says. The attire is available at exclusive boutiques.
President Obummer: raise minimum wage
His daughters are likely to want to work soon, so the president has urged Congress to increase the minimum wage. Technological toys and fashion are "expensive," he says.
Republicans to "stamp out" conservative challenges
Speaker of the House John Boehner has ordered extra large, clown-size shoes to help his party "stamp out" challenges to his party by conservative "factions" during the 2014 elections.
UK universities not worth attending
An organization that ranks universities around the world say that UK colleges are "among the world's worst," ranking Oxford 1t 365 and Cambridge at 368, right behind the U. S.'s Harvard and Yale.
Kardashian breaks wind
Reality TV star Kourtney Kardashian graced fans with a shot of her derriere when a gust of wind from a fan blew up her mini-skirt as she promoted her new TV show, Breaking Wind.
Madonna: doing her part for charity
Singer Madonna, 54, showed her derriere in an event to raise money for charity and managed to collect $6.
Sinclair admitshe's a bugger
Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair, charghed with sodomy, agreed to plead guilty to the lesser crime of buggery. President Obummer plans to award him the Congressional Medal of Honor in exhange for his plea.
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