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Chris Christie shows his true colors (again)
Taking time out from blocking bridge traffic into "his" state, New Jersey governor Chris Christie railed against Sen. Rand Paul for being patriotic enough to halt the unconstitutional "Patriot" Act.
Morocco to sue Jennifer Lopez's ass off
Moronic Morocco is suing J Lo for her "offensive" ass. No complaints were made about other female dancers' assets or male dancers grabbing their crotches. J Lo vows to "keep shaking my moneymaker."
FEMA closes offices
During a recent hurricane, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) closed its offices in New York City due to "bad weather."
No more patriots, U. S. Senate decrees
The U. S. Senate has allowed the Patriot Act to expire. Henceforth, Sen. Mitch McConnell assures Americans, "citizens are no longer permitted to love their country or to express such devotion."
Hillary tells fan to "go to the end of the line"
Presidential hopeful Hillary told a fan seeking her autograph "go to the end of the line, unless you're donating millions to the Clinton Foundation." Hillary claims to champion "the little people."
Plane shuns darkened skies
A solar-powered plane attempting to circle the globe without a drop of fuel made an unscheduled landing when afternoon skies became overcast. Passengers arrived uninjured (this time).
Beijing enacts smoking ban
Chinese officials announced that, in an effort to enforce a recent ban on smoking, Beijing will behead anyone who smokes in the capital city. Dipping snuff is permitted "for the moment."
Malaysian Airlines nearly bankrupt
According to its new German CEO, Malaysian Airlines is "essentially bankrupt," but, he says "it's safe to fly," adding, "Ask for a seat next to an emergency exit and brush up on your survival skills."
92-year-old woman sets marathon record
Harriette Thompson, 92, set a marathon record as the oldest crone ever to compete in the race. Next, she hopes to set the same record in Athens, Thessaloniki, and "maybe" Triploi.
Microsoft releases Windows 10
Microsoft's founder, Bill Gates, in announcing the release of his company's latest version of Windows, vows, "We're going to do it until we get it right."
Xander Harris arrested in Boise, ID
Self-described "vampire slayer wannabe" Xander Harris was arrested in a Boise hotel lobby for trying to "stake" guests while babbling "incoherently" about someone named Buffy who, "told me to do it."
Jennifer Aniston: "I was up to the job"
Before she became famous as the Girl Next Door Who Is Most Likely To, actress Jennifer Aniston earned her living servicing johns. "The porcelain ones," she clarified, "not the horny kind."
Democratic National Committee chair predicts "landslide victory"
DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz predicts a "landslide victory" in next month's midterm elections. "The Republicans are going to win big time!" she said.
Police baffled by mysterious find
Police searching for a missing woman found the remains of a human female that closely resemble her. Mystified, the head of the Missing Persons Bureau admits, "Now, we don't know what to do."
Cruise ship Ebola free--this time
A health worker who potentially put the 4,000 passengers aboard a Carousel Cruise Lines ship at risk for Ebola tested negative. "Next time," she said, "I will try harder."
Obummer's latest Ebola "protocol"
Reacting to criticism of his administration's handling of the Ebola crisis, Obummer has announced plans to dispatch "swat teams" armed with flyswatters to combat the disease wherever it next appears.
Runaway teens want to come home after joining ISIS
Two Austrian teenage girls who left home to join ISIS want to return home. "Beheading people isn't as fun as we thought it would be," one whined. "It's messy," the other agreed, "and sort of gross."
Martha Stewart on Gweneth Paltrow's need to change lifestyle brand name
After visiting Gweneth Paltrow's lifestyle advice blog, Goop, Martha Stewart advised her would-be competitor to rename it. "A more fitting title," Stewart fumed, "would be Poop."
Gweneth Paltrow orgasms upon meeting Obummer
At a fund raiser, "actress" Gweneth Paltrow told President Obummer, "You're so handsome; I wish I were 162 million people, so my love for you could offset your negative ratings among other Americans!"
Supreme Court says it's okay to be gay
The US Supreme Court has decreed that Americans have the right to be gay. The Constitution, they ruled, implies this, just as it does rights to abortion, Obamacare, and anything else politicians want.
CNN layoffs loom
Unable to compete with Fox News, CNN has announced the layoff of its news crews. "From now on," owner Ted Turner says, "we just do human interest stuff and other fluff."
League: Kaepernick's behavior "sexist"
49er's quarterback Colin Rand Kaepernick was "reprimanded" and "fined" for wearing pink Beats headphones in support of the NFL's "Love the Boobies" breast cancer awareness campaign.
President Obummer: unemployment down
President Barack Obummer takes credit for single-handedly reducing the U. S.'s long-term unemployment. "Due to me, both Eric Holder and Julia Pierson recently resigned, making way for new hires."
Bill Clinton: U. S. can't win ground war vs. Iraq
Bill Clinton insists the U. S. armed forces cannot win a land war against Iraq "or any other country, no matter how many booties are on the ground, because there are too many gays in the military."
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