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Nollywood's biggest boobs
"My boobs are Nollywood's biggest," Mitchell Ozakpol boasts. "Weighing in at a whopping 33 pounds of silicone, they give me more bounce to the ounce than any other female celebrity in Nigeria."
Boobs or Butts? Porn researchers know your preferred fetish
According to researchers, Internet users in the East prefer boobs, while Western Webheads would rather ogle butts. Penile preferences were not included in the study, as they're regarded as "too gay."
You Can Tell It's Mattel: They Swell!
To keep up with the times, Mattel has introduced Transgender Ken. When his left arm is twisted, he grows boobs. "He can get as big as a 36C." Barbie says. "I'm jealous, because I'm only a 32B."
Kim Kardashian: "I envy Caitlyn Jenner's boobs"
Kim Kardashian admits she'd "love a pair of pert and pretties" like those of transsexual swimmer Caitlyn (nee Bruce) Jenner but says she--Kardashian, not Jenner--is "allergic to silicone."
One of Harry Reed's relatives, no dount
A woman glued her eye shut when her husband mistakenly handed her a tube of Superglue instead of eye drops after debris blew into her eye. She has since filed for divorce.
"Paranoid" woman admitted for psychiatric observation
Ima Twit, admitted to a mental health facility for observation after complaining her skinny jeans tried to murder her by "constricting" her to death, said, "They're tighter than a boa constrictor."
Paris Hilton's "Quote, Unquote"
Social butterfly Paris Hilton's "Quote, Unquote" has just been published. Sample? "At first, I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I thought, a diet of all fruits and vegetables would get boring."
Prince Michael II changes name
To avoid further bullying due to his ridiculous nickname, "Blanket" (Michael Jackson's son Prince Michael II) has changed his nickname to "Sheets and Pillow Case" or "Bedding," for short.
Jeb Bush to run for president
Jeb Bush has joined the 2016 presidential race, declaring, "If there's a Clinton in the race, there must also be a Bush. The American people want a choice between one dynasty or the other."
Rachel Dolezal resigns as "token" African-American
NAACP activist Rachel Dolezal resigned when she realized she is white, not black. The blue-eyed blonde vows to dye her hair its "original" color and forgo curling treatments and using tanning booths.
Kristen Stewart's new girlfriend prompts mom to seek intevention for her daughter
"Twilight" "actress" Kristen Stewart's mom, Jules, has hired a dating assistant to try to help Kristen, who is dating another woman, "get back on the straight and narrow."
Loose lips will win, Dunham wagers
Jimmy Fallon has agreed to a lip sync duel with Lena Dunham. He bets his lips will win the contest, while she's wagering her labia.
First human head transplant predicted
Italian surgeons predict that the first human head transplant could occur by 2017, but admit a man may not "accept" the replacement of the glans of his penis with the head of another man's cock.
U. S. government report points blame at itself
The CIA's report on the 911 terrorist attack on New York's World Trace Center attributes the 5,000 resulting deaths to "gross government incompetence," and calls for more taxes to "fix" the problem.
Mount Kinabalu tourists arrested for public indecency
Four naked tourists were arrested atop Mount Kinabalu. Some locals say the tourists' nudity angered a mountain spirit, who caused an earthquake, but police say they were arrested for "gross ugliness."
Charlie Sheen hospitalized
"Actor" Charlie Sheen has been hospitalized after eating his girlfriend's "clam." He complained that it "didn't smell right."
Jaden Smith wears dress to prom
Actor Will Smith's son, wannabe actor Jaden, says he wore a dress to his prom because his mom's gown was "at the cleaners."
Brian Williams to return to NBC
NBC execs say disgraced anchor Brian Williams may return to the network as in 'a new role" as a fact checker.
Oscar Pistorius: time served?
Oscar Pistorius will be freed from prison after serving 8 months of his 5-year sentence for murdering girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. The reason? "White lives don't matter," South African officials say.
EPA warns Mother Nature's volcanic offspring
The U. S. Environmental Protection Agency said Indonesia's Sinabung volcano would be arrested had it spewed pollutants in the U. S. and warned American volcanoes "not to contribute to global warming."
Hillary tells fan to "go to the end of the line"
Presidential hopeful Hillary told a fan seeking her autograph "go to the end of the line, unless you're donating millions to the Clinton Foundation." Hillary claims to champion "the little people."
Chris Christie shows his true colors (again)
Taking time out from blocking bridge traffic into "his" state, New Jersey governor Chris Christie railed against Sen. Rand Paul for being patriotic enough to halt the unconstitutional "Patriot" Act.
Morocco to sue Jennifer Lopez's ass off
Moronic Morocco is suing J Lo for her "offensive" ass. No complaints were made about other female dancers' assets or male dancers grabbing their crotches. J Lo vows to "keep shaking my moneymaker."
FEMA closes offices
During a recent hurricane, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) closed its offices in New York City due to "bad weather."
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