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President Obummer: raise minimum wage
His daughters are likely to want to work soon, so the president has urged Congress to increase the minimum wage. Technological toys and fashion are "expensive," he says.
Republicans to "stamp out" conservative challenges
Speaker of the House John Boehner has ordered extra large, clown-size shoes to help his party "stamp out" challenges to his party by conservative "factions" during the 2014 elections.
UK universities not worth attending
An organization that ranks universities around the world say that UK colleges are "among the world's worst," ranking Oxford 1t 365 and Cambridge at 368, right behind the U. S.'s Harvard and Yale.
Kardashian breaks wind
Reality TV star Kourtney Kardashian graced fans with a shot of her derriere when a gust of wind from a fan blew up her mini-skirt as she promoted her new TV show, Breaking Wind.
Madonna: doing her part for charity
Singer Madonna, 54, showed her derriere in an event to raise money for charity and managed to collect $6.
Sinclair admitshe's a bugger
Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair, charghed with sodomy, agreed to plead guilty to the lesser crime of buggery. President Obummer plans to award him the Congressional Medal of Honor in exhange for his plea.
Ukraine tension remains high
Despite the much-vaunted massage skills of visiting U. S. Secretary of State John Kerry, tensions reportedly remain at an all-time high in Ukraine.
Passenger to pilot: emasculate yourself!
A passenger aboard WetJet left a note on his cocktail napkin for the plane's male pilot: "real men don't occupy cockpits."
Hillary: Putin "just like Hitler"
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that, in her "considered opinion," excpet for Putin's mustache, the Russian president looks "just like Hitler."
Pistorius trial: witnesses heard "loud arguing" before shooting
Witnesses in the Oscar Pistorius trial testified to hearing "loud arguing" before shots were fired. Pistorus' attorneys claim the athlete was "arguing with himself." They didn't comment on the shots.
Putin wants to host new Olympics
Russian president Vladimit ("The Impaler") Putin expressed interest in hosting another Olympics "as soon as possible" as a means of funding his country's invasion of Ukraine.
Californians: enough is enough!
After hiring raindancers to end their drought, Californians, who have endured tornados, flash floods, and tsunamis during the last 48 hours, beg God to cease and desist. "Enough is enough," they pray.
Meliisa Joan Hart's attention-getting strategy
Actress Melissa Joan Hart gained 400 pounds before the Academy Awards so she'd "stand out" on the red carpet.
For the president who has everything
This Christmas, the First Lady is buying hubbie Barack Obummer 144 new pens and a Blackberry smartphone so he can keep "moving forward" in passing legislation without Congressional input.
Millions more Americans enroll in Obummercare
Sick to death of being pestered to enroll, millions of Americans have signed up for Obummercare. The catch is that most don't intend to pay any premiums.
Googel adds NSFW to domain name suffixes
To enhance the Internet search experience, Google now requires sites that feature content related to Miley Cyrus and others of her ilk to use the new ".NSFW" domain name suffice (not safe for work).
Californians reap big benefits from faith
Driven to desperation by drought, Californians hired dowsers to find water. Yesterday and today, their faith was amply rewarded, as floods wash away most of the southern portion of the Golden State.
Pistorius makes appeal
A day before his trial, Oscar Pistorius appealed to the Academy of Motion Piture Arts and Sciences to award him an Oscar for acting innocent of his girlfriend's homicide.
Democrats and Republicans both court voters
With the U. S. Senate hanging in the balance, both Democrats and Republicans both court voters. However, voters remain "uncommitted."
Hillary, Bill, and Monica make three
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Hillary Clinton recently invited Monica "The Mouth" Lewinsky to join her husband Bill and her in a "threesome."
Chelsea Clnton: three's company
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Chelsea Clinton has reportedly had three-way sex with her husband Marc Mezvinsky and her dad's former lover, Monica Lewinsky.
Oregon woman trappedin in "crater" for a week
Sharon Bates, 52, was not dressed when she became "stuck" in a "crater" for a week, but she's survived, wet and "frigid," but unharmed, and vows to continue to perform cunnilingus, despite her ordeal.
Page: read the subtext!
In Sin City, aspiring actress Ellen Page announced "I'm gay," only to hear comedienne Ellen Degeneris retort, "I'm giving up girls," as Taylor Swift rolled her eyes.
Paris Hilton "unintentionally" bares all (again)
During her birthday bash at Hollywood's Greystone Manor, dumb blonde Paris Hilton suffered a "wardrobe malfunction": when she stepped out of her unzipped gown, she ended up in her birthday suit.
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