Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.Show all snippets.
Thanksgiving Reminder to Self
Reminder to self: If the topic of the election comes up at Thanksgiving, do NOT refer to the President-erect as the Birther-in-Chief or as President Xenophobe.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 23 November 2016
First Amendment Rewrite
Republicans have rewritten the Establishment Clause, "Congress shall make no law respecting the practice of Islam but shall make one prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 November 2016
Donald Trump's Newest Book
Donald Trump has released his newest book, called "They Pussy Grabber-in-Chief Tells All: How to Seduce Women and Voters with Tic Tacs and Bombast."
On sale at adult book stores everywhere.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 November 2016
HURRICAN DONALD TO MAKE LANDFALL ON THE ISLAND OF REPUBLICAN IN EARLY NOVEMBER
The Blowhard, expected to reach winds of 160 MPH, may well level the Grand Old Party--or, at least what's left of it.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 October 2016
Rock-a-bye Donald, in the pawnshop
When the wind blows, the campaign will rock
When the polls break, the campaign will fall
And down will come Donald, claptrap and all
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 August 2016
Trump Surrogate (from the Americna Political Dictionay)
A subspecies of Homo Republicanus Rabidus that subsists on making the indefensible defensible. He or she can often be found on cable news shows or under rocks. It preys on the ignorant.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 August 2016
Speaking out of His . . . .
Donald Trump speaks out of his ass so often he no longer has a face.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2016
Donald Trump Promises to Build a Wall Against the Zika Virus and Make It Pay for It
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 July 2016
"Free" Pig Roast
A marquee in front of a local church announced, "Free Pig Roast!"
No doubt, for the hungry attendees of the Pig Roast, the event is free. The pig himself, however, will pay dearly for the event.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 30 June 2016
Cristo's Newest Installment
Cristo Runs Out of Supplies with his Newest Installment: Wrapping Donald Trump's Ego in Synthetic Fabric
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 June 2016
Some Days When I Wake Up
Some days I wake up and think that God, if he does exist (and I'm pretty sure he doesn't), drank his way through a third-rate state college before getting his degree in Organizational Mismanagement.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 13 June 2016
Donald Trump: The Audacity of Dope
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 June 2016
The News That's Fit to Print?
I think we're getting to the point where international newspapers, like Le Monde or the UK's Financial Times, are beginning to cover the US election in the gossip or entertainment section.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 May 2016
Donald Trump, I hear, is getting a teleprompter. Now we'll hear even more of the best words.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 April 2016
GOP n A multivalent acronym for the Republican Party which stands for Grand Old Party, Generally Obstructionist Pricks, Grumpy Old Poopers, God's Own Party, and Grand Obsolescent Party. Archaic.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 April 2016
A belief system, held by Christian fundamentalists of a certain stripe, advocating that Jesus was a bigoted, sexist, bumpkin who, in the name of religious liberty, despised gays and transsexuals.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 April 2016
Donald J. Trump is the leading presidential candidate for the Republican Party in 2016! April Foo-Oh, wait . . . .
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 April 2016
Every time I see the bloody, gruesome symbol of a crucifix hanging in a house of worship or in someone's private residence, I think to myself, Thank God He wasn't drawn and quartered.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 March 2016
Donald Trump is that dog shit on the shoe of the Republican Party that they are now so desperately trying to scrape off.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 16 March 2016
I'm always flummoxed by signs that read "Hidden Driveway."
If you went to all that trouble to hide your driveway, why announce its whereabouts with a sign?
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2016
Other Othered from Support Group Forms Another Other Support Group
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 January 2016
American Political Dictionary
Tinkle Down Economics: A feel good theory of economics that allows Conservatives to piss on the poor and justify their un-Christ-like behavior with a bogus theory.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2015
How much do I hate Christmas?
You think that the Grinch had a problem with Christmas? I hate it so much that I wish God, the night he knocked up the Virgin Mary, had used a condom.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 December 2015
#TheBigGuy (God's tweet after the deluge of prayers He received this week):
Look, you dumb fucks, you have free will. Use the reason I endowed you with. Pass some common sense gun control laws.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 December 2015