Showing snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.

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Cristo's Newest Installment

Cristo Runs Out of Supplies with his Newest Installment: Wrapping Donald Trump's Ego in Synthetic Fabric

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 June 2016

Some Days When I Wake Up

Some days I wake up and think that God, if he does exist (and I'm pretty sure he doesn't), drank his way through a third-rate state college before getting his degree in Organizational Mismanagement.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 13 June 2016


Donald Trump: The Audacity of Dope

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 June 2016

The News That's Fit to Print?

I think we're getting to the point where international newspapers, like Le Monde or the UK's Financial Times, are beginning to cover the US election in the gossip or entertainment section.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 May 2016


Donald Trump, I hear, is getting a teleprompter. Now we'll hear even more of the best words.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 April 2016


GOP n A multivalent acronym for the Republican Party which stands for Grand Old Party, Generally Obstructionist Pricks, Grumpy Old Poopers, God's Own Party, and Grand Obsolescent Party. Archaic.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 April 2016


A belief system, held by Christian fundamentalists of a certain stripe, advocating that Jesus was a bigoted, sexist, bumpkin who, in the name of religious liberty, despised gays and transsexuals.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 April 2016

April's Fool?

Donald J. Trump is the leading presidential candidate for the Republican Party in 2016! April Foo-Oh, wait . . . .

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 April 2016

A Blessing

Every time I see the bloody, gruesome symbol of a crucifix hanging in a house of worship or in someone's private residence, I think to myself, Thank God He wasn't drawn and quartered.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 March 2016

Donald Dump

Donald Trump is that dog shit on the shoe of the Republican Party that they are now so desperately trying to scrape off.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 16 March 2016

Hidden Driveway

I'm always flummoxed by signs that read "Hidden Driveway."

If you went to all that trouble to hide your driveway, why announce its whereabouts with a sign?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2016


Other Othered from Support Group Forms Another Other Support Group

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 January 2016

American Political Dictionary

Tinkle Down Economics: A feel good theory of economics that allows Conservatives to piss on the poor and justify their un-Christ-like behavior with a bogus theory.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2015

How much do I hate Christmas?

You think that the Grinch had a problem with Christmas? I hate it so much that I wish God, the night he knocked up the Virgin Mary, had used a condom.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 December 2015

God's Tweet

#TheBigGuy (God's tweet after the deluge of prayers He received this week):

Look, you dumb fucks, you have free will. Use the reason I endowed you with. Pass some common sense gun control laws.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 December 2015

American Political Dictionary

Cuntrition: The state of a politician who has been caught cheating on his wife and appears before a press conference with his wife and family. Not to be confused with contrition.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 December 2015

American Political Dictionary

Active Shooter: a white wingnut and/or terrorist with an assault weapon exercising his Second Amendment rights.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 December 2015

Ben Carson's Syllogism

All politicians exist.
I am not a politician.
Therefore, I do not exist.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 November 2015

Ayn Rand's Golden Rule

Love thyself above all else.
They neighbor? He can go to hell.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 October 2015

American Political Dictionary

The American People Think/Believe/Want: A phrase a politician employs when he or she is delusional enough to think that he or she speaks for 318 million people.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 October 2015

John Boehner's Confession to Pope Francis

Pope Francis Hears John Boehner's Confession

Assigns Him and the Republican Party 400,000 Hail Marys and 83, 000 Our Fathers as Penance for Pissing on the Poor

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 September 2015

Grumpy Trumpy

Grumpy Trumpy made quite a squall,
Grumpy Trumpy had a great fall.
All of Ailes' minions and all of Ailes' pundits
Couldn't put his Party together again.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2015

The Pharisee

"Hate the sin, not the sinner," he says exculpatorily, as he hungrily bites into his bacon and tomato sandwich that his second wife just prepared for him.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 May 2015

This Insult Won't Work

Given the genius and utility of the reproductive system of a flower, is there any point in telling a flower to go fuck itself?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 May 2015
Showing page 2 (of 3 pages)

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