Showing breaking news satire snippets written by John_L.

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Scottish independence: Queen 'above politics', Buckingham Palace says

However Prince Charles is not so will be sticking his nose in where it isn't wanted.

written by John_L, 10 September 2014

UKIP Claims To Have Solved The Ripper Mystery Using DNA

A spokesman for the party said: "We can confirm that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant proving that immigrants have always been bad and we need to get rid of them all."

written by John_L, 07 September 2014

Islamic State action 'not ruled out' by David Cameron

"Look if we get a bloody nose from UKIP in Clacton I'll have to do something to upstage Farage, and sending the troops in would be perfect." The Prime Minister told BBC Breakfast this morning.

written by John_L, 04 September 2014

Gary Barlow 'settling tax affairs ASAP'

"I've made a huge donation to the Tory party plus I'm going speak at conference so it's all settles" Barlow told the BBC's Newsbeat.

written by John_L, 03 September 2014

UK terror threat level raised to 'severe'

Theresa May is said to have taken this decision to divert attention from a week of damaging headlines for the Tory Party.

written by John_L, 29 August 2014

Norwich's Fry nears £8m QPR switch

QPR are close paying a record £8m to Norwich City for the affections of super fan Stephen Fry. It is the first supporter transfer since West Ham paid Shrewsbury Town £2m for Derek Smalls in 1982.

written by John_L, 19 August 2014

BBC announce Assange to join SCT

Julian Assange will leave the Ecuadorian embassy to compete in this years 'Strictly Come Dancing'. The 43 year old former lecturer will also be the first sex offender to appear on the BBC since Savile

written by John_L, 19 August 2014

Mourinho reveals he is building Chelsea for decade of dominance

Bookmakers slash the odds on him being fired before Christmas.

written by John_L, 24 July 2014

Luiz Felipe Scolari resigns as Brazil coach.

He has now been installed as Bookies favorite as the next Chelsea coach, making a return to the West London club around Christmas.

written by John_L, 14 July 2014

Rescue helicopter finds Jedward stranded on sandbank

Following the rescue the helicopter crew have since been placed in protective custardy after the Irish Coast Guard received threats from music lovers.

written by John_L, 04 July 2014

Cameron pledges £1bn to people with dementia

"Look you have to be demented to think I deserve a second term." He said at a press conference.

written by John_L, 19 June 2014

Sid the Sexist returns his free Current Bun

Lovable Geordie rascal Sid the Sexist has returned the 'Free Sun'. "It were nowt any good like." he said, continuing "It didny have any tits in it. No tits no way." he continued.

written by John_L, 13 June 2014

Celtic appoint Delia as new manager

The former Norwich chair and TV cook will have a 12 rolling contract at Celtic Park. She joins Clermont manager Helena Costa in being a female manager of a male team. Costa was an assistant at Celtic.

written by John_L, 06 June 2014

Susanna Reid to join David Moyes' club

The 'Good Morning Britain' presenter is set to join the former Manchester United manager in the club for fallen chosen ones, after ITV confirmed that 'GMB' was to be axed after the World Cup.

written by John_L, 02 June 2014

David Moyes sounded out about Lib Dem job.

While Nick Clegg maintains that he won't resign there are rumors that some senior Lib Dems have been sounding out former Man U manager as a replacement.

written by John_L, 26 May 2014

Nigel Farage sends Google a Forget Me Request

The UKIP leader hopes that if the search engine stops pointing to all the racists things he's said in the past he might just be able to fool some more people into voting for him.

written by John_L, 17 May 2014

Martin and Forsyth in Scotland squad

Coldplay singer and uncoupled husband of Gwyneth Paltrow has been named in Gordon Strachan's Scotland side to face Nigeria on the 28th May alongside 86 year old entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth.

written by John_L, 12 May 2014

Agoraphobia sufferer beats fear after 48 years.

Unfortunately on her first trip out Nigel Farage canvasing in the street, suffered a sever relaps and is now locked in the coal cellar.

written by John_L, 01 May 2014

Britain is now "Post Christian"

Former Archbishop Rowan Williams said "Britain is not a Christian country anymore, in fact I would classify it as a country that worships whatever Ruper Murdoch tells it to."

written by John_L, 27 April 2014

Salmond thanks Farage

The SNP leader said "The frankly embarrassing set of posters from UKIP for the EU election have been a huge boost to the Yes campaign up here, Scots don't want to be associated with people like that."

written by John_L, 22 April 2014

Brendan Rodgers plans to 'unleash' fans on Man City

"It'll be just like the 80's" He said at the press conference "hundreds of copites with bats and knives looking to inflict damage on anyone who gets in their way."

written by John_L, 11 April 2014

Chicken nuggets sold at Sam's Club recalled

The nuggets were found to contain no meat, but were made up of sawdust swept off the abattoir floor after the high pressure hose used to reclaim the last scraps of 'meat' from the carcass failed.

written by John_L, 07 April 2014

Letterman and Forsyth in job swap

David Letterman is to stand down from 'The Late Show', cross the atlantic to take over hosting duties on 'Strictly Come Dancing' from Sir Bruce Forsyth who in turn will replace Letterman in New York

written by John_L, 04 April 2014

Sherwood 'Planning for Next Season'

He already has his lawn sorted so it's just the bedding plants he needs to work out.

written by John_L, 20 March 2014

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