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David Beckham could still compete at Olympics
Old "Golden Balls" is considering an offer to be part of GB's syncronised swimming team.
According to an insider he is training hard and has already ditched his armbands
Barclay's Bank CEO to pay FSA fine out of his own pocket
Bob Diamond will stump up the whole £290 million himself.
He's a little bit short of the full amount but intends to sell his surname to cover the rest.
He'll now be known as just Bob.
Barclay's Bob is not a diamond geezer
Barclay's CEO, Bob "100 Carat" Diamond, is facing calls to quit after his bank was caught trying to fiddle inter-bank interest rates.
Poor fella gave up his bonus as well.
Whip round anyone?
Tony Blair keen on being Prime Minister again but acknowledges it's unlikely
Mr Blair is rumoured to have met with Peter Mandelson and Alistair (You Spin Me Right Round Baby) Campbell to discuss returning.
They plan on rebranding the party as Even Newer Old New Labour.
1,500 litres of milk spilt on West Lothian motorway
The incident happened after a lorry overtuned following a crash with a van.
A man was taken to St. John's hospital in Livingston suffering from a pointless bout of crying.
Martin McGuinness to shake hands with the Queen
Sinn Fein have denied rumours that Mr McGuinness is planning on wearing an electric shock hand buzzer as a way of giving the Queen an amusing little fright.
Jimmy Carr and David Cameron to form comedy double act
They'll call themselves JC/DC and embark on a national tour (plus two shows in Jersey) later this year.
Critics reckon Cameron can give Carr a run for his money when it comes to amusing the nation.
Steve McClaren supports England tactics at Euro 2012
He reckons England can win a tournament playing this way.
Expect a complete overhaul of England's tactics very soon after McClaren's endorsement.
Redknapp to leave Spurs once severance package is agreed
It is believed he'll get a £3 million pay off after contract talks collapsed.
Coincedently, his dog Rosie has made an appointment at her Monaco bank to discuss a large deposit she wants to make.
Madonna Appeals For World Peace
Her new world tour kicked off in Israel in front of 30,000 fans.
Madonna declared, "If there is peace in the Middle East, there can be peace in the whole world."
Rangers' Ticketus deal goes Tittus Uppus
The clubs administrators will terminate their contract over future season ticket sales.
Ticketus are owed around £27 million by Craig Whyte.
Good luck recovering the money.
Founding editor of Ceefax dies aged 85
For more details go to Ceefax page 120.
Then wait for ten minutes while you go through all the other stories on that page before getting to the one you want.
David Cameron praises UK music, calling it a "world leader"
Music industry experts have already predicted that album sales will plummet next year after the Prime Ministers ringing endorsement.
Good work Sir.
New French President due to be sworn in today
After defeating Nicolas Sarkozy, Francois Holland will be sworn in at an inauguration ceremony at Elysee Palace later today.
Apparently, Sarkozy will be doing most of the swearing.
Alex Jones to front 'The One Show' spin off
The Welsh presenter has been such a massive hit she will no longer co-present the BBC's crown jewels of programming.
We understand the spin off will be called 'The One Show That No-ones Watching'.
Joey 'The calmest man alive' Barton charged with two counts of violent conduct by the FA
He faces a possible ten game ban if he's found guilty of both charges.
Rumours he will be forced to wear a muzzle during his hearing are untrue.
He will actually be in a reinforced steel cage.
Aston Villa give Alex McLeish the boot
After a very poor season, 'Big Eck' as he's known, has unsurprisingly been shown the door.
At his next club his new nickname will be 'Oh Eck'.
Lille's star midfielder admits he will be playing in Manchester next season
In an interview after receiving the French Ligue 1 Players' Player of the year award, Belgian maestro Eden Hazard said he's coming to Manchester.
City? United? No. My money is on Stockport County.
Rebekah Brooks gives evidence to the Leveson Inquiry
According to the red headed former red top editor Prime Minister David Cameron thought that LOL meant "Lots of love."
I wonder if he knows what FFS means.
Queen's Speech Descends Into Farce
Whilst reading the governments plans for the next parliament the Queen paused halfway through, screwed up her face and declared, "Bollocks to it. From now on you'll all do as I say."
God bless her.
Scientists Reckon Dinosaurs Caused Climate Change
According to research by UK scientists, Dinosaurs produced 520 million tonnes of flatulence a year.
No wonder they're extinct. Imagine the pong.
Apparently the Fartosaurus was the worst culprit.
Man Cleared Of Murder
The Judge at the High Court in Glasgow decided there was insufficient evidence to convict the man of murdering gangland figure Kevin "The Gerbil" Carroll.
Roland the rat is said to be very upset.
Arrest Warrant Issued For Ear Bite Man
A man from Tranent, East Lothian, had his ear bitten off after a disturbance at the Whispers Lounge Bar in the town.
He will now be drinking in rival bar, Shouters, just down the road.
Documents Reveal Osama Bin Laden Was "Frustrated At The End'
That sounds like the understatement of the decade.
I bet he was bloody furious when the US Navy Seals stormed his compound and shot him to pieces.
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