Showing snippets written by Clive Danton.
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North Korea Imposes Restrictions On Movements Of Population
"It's bloody murder!" said Dim Yung-Fuk a local rice farmer "I'm absolutely breaking my neck for a shit!"
World War II Bomber Found On Simon Cowell's Head
The 4 Engine Halifax is believed to have been unable to take off from Cowell's huge forehead since 1941 after its undercarriage became bogged down in Botox.
Jimmy Saville Rises From The Dead
When spotted smoking a cigar outside his Leeds tomb the recently deceased DJ made a yodelling sound and exclaimed "'ow's about that then!"
Powerful Quake Hits South London
A tremor measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale hit an area of South London with the epicentre at Croydon. Early reports state that 100s lay trapped and that millions of pounds of improvements were made.
Jonny Wilkinson Kicks Cat
The newly retired rugby legend said "I haven't felt pressure like it since I kicked that drop goal in the world cup final or when I microwaved my Jack Russell.
Simon Cowell's Head Explodes In Street
Dozens were injured and treated in hospital for severe Botox burns. A clearly shaken witness said "It was wicked! The moon-faced git had it coming"
Simon Cowell Critical After Being Shot In Face. Noel Edmonds Held!
Not really folks but I can dream can't I?
Gary Glitter's Children's Outfitters Business Slumps.
"I cant believe this! Why cant people just forget the past and move on?" said a dejected Glitter from outside a school yesterday afternoon.
Cure For Ovarian Cancer Found In Noel Edmonds' Trousers
"This is absolutely sensational news and almost makes up for me being a complete and utter tool" said a delighted Edmonds last night
Bruce Forsythe In Carbon Dating Mystery
Scientists have revealed that recent carbon dating tests carried out on popular game show host Bruce Forsythe indicate that he's over 2000 years old. When told last night he replied Your my favourite!
Slum Landlord Steals Simon Cowell's Trousers
"I managed to illegally house 2 families of Somali dissidents, a Polish brickie, a Pakistani dentist and his missus plus 3 Ukranian tarts in his trousers!" - Thanks Simon Cowell
Ant & Dec Admit To Being Twats
Dec wept openly last night as he confessed "It's true, we really are a pair of talentless, vacuous, grinning Geordie gobshites and I'm so very, very sorry!"
Jeremy Clarkson Apologises For Having Big Face.
"I realise you could land an RAF Chinook helicopter on my forehead and I'm sorry for it but at least my trousers are beyond reproach"
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