Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Clive Danton.

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North Korea Imposes Restrictions On Movements Of Population

"It's bloody murder!" said Dim Yung-Fuk a local rice farmer "I'm absolutely breaking my neck for a shit!"

written by Clive Danton, 20 December 2011

World War II Bomber Found On Simon Cowell's Head

The 4 Engine Halifax is believed to have been unable to take off from Cowell's huge forehead since 1941 after its undercarriage became bogged down in Botox.

written by Clive Danton, 16 December 2011

Jimmy Saville Rises From The Dead

When spotted smoking a cigar outside his Leeds tomb the recently deceased DJ made a yodelling sound and exclaimed "'ow's about that then!"

written by Clive Danton, 16 December 2011

Powerful Quake Hits South London

A tremor measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale hit an area of South London with the epicentre at Croydon. Early reports state that 100s lay trapped and that millions of pounds of improvements were made.

written by Clive Danton, 14 December 2011

Jonny Wilkinson Kicks Cat

The newly retired rugby legend said "I haven't felt pressure like it since I kicked that drop goal in the world cup final or when I microwaved my Jack Russell.

written by Clive Danton, 13 December 2011

Simon Cowell's Head Explodes In Street

Dozens were injured and treated in hospital for severe Botox burns. A clearly shaken witness said "It was wicked! The moon-faced git had it coming"

written by Clive Danton, 11 December 2011

Simon Cowell Critical After Being Shot In Face. Noel Edmonds Held!

Not really folks but I can dream can't I?

written by Clive Danton, 10 December 2011

Gary Glitter's Children's Outfitters Business Slumps.

"I cant believe this! Why cant people just forget the past and move on?" said a dejected Glitter from outside a school yesterday afternoon.

written by Clive Danton, 08 December 2011

Cure For Ovarian Cancer Found In Noel Edmonds' Trousers

"This is absolutely sensational news and almost makes up for me being a complete and utter tool" said a delighted Edmonds last night

written by Clive Danton, 08 December 2011

Bruce Forsythe In Carbon Dating Mystery

Scientists have revealed that recent carbon dating tests carried out on popular game show host Bruce Forsythe indicate that he's over 2000 years old. When told last night he replied Your my favourite!

written by Clive Danton, 06 December 2011

Slum Landlord Steals Simon Cowell's Trousers

"I managed to illegally house 2 families of Somali dissidents, a Polish brickie, a Pakistani dentist and his missus plus 3 Ukranian tarts in his trousers!" - Thanks Simon Cowell

written by Clive Danton, 02 December 2011

Ant & Dec Admit To Being Twats

Dec wept openly last night as he confessed "It's true, we really are a pair of talentless, vacuous, grinning Geordie gobshites and I'm so very, very sorry!"

written by Clive Danton, 02 December 2011

Jeremy Clarkson Apologises For Having Big Face.

"I realise you could land an RAF Chinook helicopter on my forehead and I'm sorry for it but at least my trousers are beyond reproach"

written by Clive Danton, 01 December 2011

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