Showing snippets written by Backandtotheleft.
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Whine About Wine
MPs will vote on whether or not wine bottles should have warning labels on them. Hopefully we'll be seeing vintage reds saying "Tastes like shit"
A study has said that the long term inhalation of wood smoke can damage your IQ. Nonsense. Fire is red and good and hot and good. And good.
Mel B's Car Attack
Mel B's car can pump out smoke and drop spikes to defend itself. From what? Who has ever wanted to kill a Spice Girl?
Jeremy Hunt wants to ban fast food giants from sponsoring sports teams. After England's performance they'd be lucky to get Rustlers
Did you know a lone bi-sexual women at a swingers party is referred to as a "unicorn"? Probably because they don't exist.
Call Of Dead Duty
A Brit who has joined the ISIS terror group says "war is more fun the COD" wonder if he'll be laughing while he looks for his legs after a drone strike?
Angelina Above Her Station
Angelina Jolie will chair a global summit on how to prevent mass kidnappings. Afterwards we'll be chairing a meeting on how to fly a spaceship and Gazza will chair one about renewable energy.
One of our sister papers has released a guide on how not to hurt yourself during the world cup. Surely it should just say, "Stay away from Luis Suarez mouth"
It is the rise of the Sumo baby with many tots being born at 12lb or over. A concern? No an opportunity for a new sport
Pardew Butts Out
Alan Pardew has admitted he is fighting for his job. I suppose it's better than fighting David Myler.
Experts believe that "super rats" will cause havoc at this years music festivals! Well their still better than touts
Body found in Manchester canal! Not mine says passer-by. More to follow.
A UKIP party member has been suspended for "repellent views" he thought it was OK to talk to a Spaniard!
An Al-Qaeda "General Manager" has died in a air strike. We wonder who will replace him, however Mohammad from accounts is a early favourite.
Drinking more coffee cuts the risk of diabetes! Only because the increased caffeine will make you believe you can standing jump a moving train long before the diabetes will get you.
Nick Clegg thinks that in the long run the Church and the state should be separated. We at BATTL news believe the same about Nicks head and body
The EU are considering greater sanctions against Russia over the Ukraine. Nick Clegg has already taken a tough stance, he's not sending Putin a Christmas card
Jamaicain Me Crazy! (Because I Cant Hear You)
The BBC's new period drama ended with over 2K complaints from viewers about the actors mumbling. Unfortunately we couldn't hear what a BBC spokesman said on the matter.
Malaysian officials admit that the disappearance of flight MH370 may be a riddle forever. What's this? The air accident equivalent of shrugging your shoulders and saying "Elvin magic?"
Big Bang Theory
Scientists say they have found more evidence of "The Big Bang"! We at BATTL news thinks it's used condom down the back of the galactic sofa?
Royal Baby Rumble
Somebody has claimed that Prince George displays more leadership qualities than other babies his age! You know who else displayed leadership qualities? Hitler
Laid Back Lags
11 prison workers have been sacked for inappropriate relationships with lags. We haven't assaulted anyone and still can't get laid
Singer Rebecca Ferguson is to have her 3rd kid! She says "I'm grateful to God" somebody needs the birds and the bees explaining to her
A government study shows that you have 8 minutes to make an impression in a job interview. Our study found something different. It's all in the first ten seconds when you burst through the window
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