Showing snippets written by Backandtotheleft.
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Drinking more coffee cuts the risk of diabetes! Only because the increased caffeine will make you believe you can standing jump a moving train long before the diabetes will get you.
Nick Clegg thinks that in the long run the Church and the state should be separated. We at BATTL news believe the same about Nicks head and body
The EU are considering greater sanctions against Russia over the Ukraine. Nick Clegg has already taken a tough stance, he's not sending Putin a Christmas card
Jamaicain Me Crazy! (Because I Cant Hear You)
The BBC's new period drama ended with over 2K complaints from viewers about the actors mumbling. Unfortunately we couldn't hear what a BBC spokesman said on the matter.
Malaysian officials admit that the disappearance of flight MH370 may be a riddle forever. What's this? The air accident equivalent of shrugging your shoulders and saying "Elvin magic?"
Big Bang Theory
Scientists say they have found more evidence of "The Big Bang"! We at BATTL news thinks it's used condom down the back of the galactic sofa?
Royal Baby Rumble
Somebody has claimed that Prince George displays more leadership qualities than other babies his age! You know who else displayed leadership qualities? Hitler
Laid Back Lags
11 prison workers have been sacked for inappropriate relationships with lags. We haven't assaulted anyone and still can't get laid
Singer Rebecca Ferguson is to have her 3rd kid! She says "I'm grateful to God" somebody needs the birds and the bees explaining to her
A government study shows that you have 8 minutes to make an impression in a job interview. Our study found something different. It's all in the first ten seconds when you burst through the window
In a big to curb underage viewers porn sites are to demand proof before you can watch their videos. A small balding man will come to your house and check your passport
Did you know that SAS operatives do not believe in Christmas?
The Meaning Of Christmas
Did you know that "Christmas" comes form the Latin words "Christ" and "Mass" meaning "Fear of being chased down the street by a giant Jesus
Children Of The Royal's!
There is going to be a 24 page royal baby pull out in the Sun on Sunday. Don't we normally call a book full of pictures of children.....evidence?
Royal Baby Appears
"The Royal baby has appeared and it's a, it's a....it's devouring the crowd run for your lives" BATTL News at the Royal birth
That Strange Smell
A study has found that customers spend 20% more time in shops that smell of oranges but 80% less time in ones that smell of shit.
The Smiths Suck
Johnny Marr from The Smiths inspired a generation of musicians...to shoot themselves in the head.
Burn Jimmy Burn!
Jimmy Saviles nephew wants the council to burn his body. Now then, now then let's not get too far ahead here.
License To Look Stylish
Teenagers are to recruited by MI5 to become the next James Bonds. That's exactly what we need, a load of One Direction lookalikes with a license to kill.
A top British diplomat called the Argentineans "Gay and Cowards" and he's in trouble. If he'd used the words "cheating, bastards" he'd get a medal.
Tulisa's new single is called "Sight Of You" missing the words "Sick and the" I think.
A Penny For Your Thoughts And A Pound For Your Pants
Mums are now the main bread winners in 25% of British homes. On a different note prostitution is on the rise all over England.
Happy Meal Horror
A 5month year old boy was left behind on a table in a McDonald's restaurant in America. The mother obviously preferred the toy she got in the Happy meal.
A beer made out of bulls testicles will go on sale in the US. Better than one made out of Bull shit I suppose.
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