Spoof Snippets
Showing snippets written by Lyndon.
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Curiosity killed the cat--or a Martian--due to erratic driving
The Mars rover "Curiosity" will most certainly kill something if there is, indeed, life on Mars. "Bastard drives like a drunken bumkin," claims one NASA technician. "We'll find it ass-end up one day."
Paul Ryan promises to use big ears to listen to Americans' problems
Picking on physical features isn't politically correct, but this is Election Season. Ryan's big ears cannot help but hear the woes of Americans from now until November. If only he could stop smiling.
Suri: "I wanna stay with Daddy because he has more toys."
Suri has cast her vote: she wants to live with Pops. "Let's face it," says the Materialistic Girl. "Who makes $25 million a film? One hint: it ain't Mommy."
NASA links climate change to severe weather, Romney calls NASA a hoax
Romney lashed out at a NASA report linking climate change to severe weather occurrences. Said Romney: "I never liked NASA, and now I wonder if we should be paying for them to write these fairy tales."
Romney trip a success: Ugly American Syndrome is real
Romney's recent trip to Europe and Israel was successful, if for only one reason. The myth of the Ugly American is a myth no more. Bombastic, insulting, aghast at small hotel rooms? All of the above.
Katie and Suri rescue 2,000 lives from flash flood
CALGARY--The Katie/Suri watch continues. They fed animals at zoos and are now saving lives. Katie and Suri evacuated some 2,000 people as flash floods swept through Calgary. Next up: curing bird flu.
First gold medal--and arrest--at Olympics
China's Yi Siling won gold in the 10m air rifle, then was promptly arrested for being "too damn good with a gun." Mitt Romney, currently ridding his vocab of anti-Semitic remarks, is said to approve.
Quayle and Romney kindred spirits
When former VP Dan Quayle claimed his high school Latin didn't help while in Panama, we thought that was rock bottom. Enter Mitt Romney: this week he claimed the British couldn't even speak English.
Physicists would be much more "happening" if they searched for bosom, not boson, study
Harfold State College instructor of the course Funnybook Physics, Elwood Woodson, admitted that the recent excitement surrounding the Higgs Boson was the very reason why physicists didn't get laid.
Porn-induced headache mystery solved: man flogged himself
An Indian man (24) reported that he couldn't view online porn without suffering from splitting headaches. Turns out he was batting himself over the skull with a cricket bat.
Cruise cruisin' for a bruisin'
Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from sometimes actor, sometimes religious whack-o Tom Cruise. Holmes and Nicole Kidman scheduled a pedicure to discuss how Tom's latest ex will tackle the $275 mill.
Blitzer decides to report news before it happens
CNN's Wolf Blitzer, tired of racing against other news outlets to report breaking news first, has decided to just start making up shit and reporting it. His new show will be called, "This just in."
Buckingham Palace to be renamed Queen's Crib
For the second time in less than a week, Parliament announced that yet another iconic structure would be renamed in honor of Q.E. II. Queen's Crib will still feature the changing of the lads.
Romney advocates "new American way"
No one can argue Mitt Romney's dedication to the new American way. His company Bain Capital has been shipping American jobs overseas for some time.
Bullying video so hard to watch, viewers have to watch it twice
The video of students harassing a 68-year-old bus monitor has been deemed by news anchors as "so difficult to watch" that viewers are forced to watch it twice, if not three or four more times.
"Belieber" released by Bieber
Justin Bieber has released his new album Belieber to much fanfare. Tracks include "I can't beliebe I'm a dad," "If you don't belieb, who cares?" and "Bieber means beaver in German, baby."
Google so desperate for Doodle, they celebrate 79th birthday of Drive-in
Google Doodle couldn't find any important person who was born on this date, so they chose the 79th birthday of the drive-in. Another Doodle to come: the 17th b-day of the soybean oil breast implant.
China play joke on blind activist, has never really left China
Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng realized to the delight of his adviseries that he had, in fact, not been sent to the US, but instead had been flown around in circles and set down in China.
"Good" cholesterol turns out to be bullshit
Gone could be the days when your doctor tells you both your good and bad cholesterol levels. "Lay off the eggs," says Dr. Holly Siergard. "Get off the couch and play some Wii--you should be fine."
Prehistoric tortoise as big as small car but slow as a turtle
Harfold State College has discovered the fossilized remains of a tortoise about the same size as a Honda Fit. The trouble was that it was too slow to get out of the way of dinosaur farts so it died.
Romney and Santorum don't even agree to disagree
A private meeting between nominee-in-waiting Mitt Romney and drop-out Rick Santorum yielded nothing new. They continue to hate each other and agree that they'd rather vote for Obama than get along.
Republicans find new way to blow money--running for president as Libertarian
Only days after Newt Gingrich finally pulled the plug on his long-suffering campaign, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson took over the important role of burning cash for no good reason.
Spirits high in Connecticut as state legalizes medical marijuana
That's not smog we'll see as we drive through Hartford, but instead the smoke of patients toking it up. There's talk that the marijuana leaf may replace the mountain laurel as the state flower.
Secret Service tightens up rules: no more skanky whores
Being in the U.S. Secret Service has just become less fun: agents are to no longer drink excessively and, if they do, they best not be consorting with skanky whores. And if they do, they're to pay up.
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