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Ahmadinejad making friends at U.N.: "Let's party like it's 1979!"
Iran's President Ahmadinejad dropped a big hint that he was one of the Iranian students who held 52 Americans for 444 days in 1978-79. "I like bell-bottoms--reminds me of blindfolding Americans."
Romney's 47% comment checks out--if you count babies
Those who jumped on Romney for comments about 47% of Americans not paying taxes are left with pie on their face. It seems Romney was also including infants as those expecting food and health care.
Actress duped into making anti-Islam porno
Cynthia Garcia said she had no idea that she'd been cast in an anti-Islamic porn film when she signed on to appear in Islamic Slut Zombies from Kabul. "I thought we were making art," she said.
Most recent jobs report contradicts last week's jobs report, to be contradicted next week
This week's jobs report states that jobs were created at a snail's pace. This news stands in direct contrast to last week's jobs report which stated that jobs were falling from the sky. And next week?
Prince Harry back in Afghanistan to fly choppers bare-assed
Prince Henry has returned to Afghanistan where he's expected to fly Apache helicopters in dangerous missions. The danger level will be raised several notches as the Prince will only fly knicker-less.
Akin still has strong hold on complete and utter asshole vote
Senatorial nominee Todd Akin can take solace in a recent poll which suggests that utter assholes and ignorant motherfuckers still support Akin despite his recent gaffe regarding illegitimate rape.
Porn industry shut down due to discover of tertiary syphilis
Apparently no one had noticed the soft, tumor-like balls on a porno actor until recently. He'd long complained of poor balance and lightning stomach pains, but these were just chalked up to old age.
11th hidden control on iPhone headphones discovered
You can't just fast-forward, replay, skip songs, and answer phone calls by entering secret tap codes into your iPhone headphones. They will also go to the bathroom for you, right in your pants.
Tommy proclaims, "Happy Meal toys are shit"
Little Tommy Bean, 7, stormed out of the Harfold McDonald's, tossing yet another Sponge Bob give-away into the trash. "How many pieces of crap can a kid get from the 3rd World before you've had it."
Curiosity killed the cat--or a Martian--due to erratic driving
The Mars rover "Curiosity" will most certainly kill something if there is, indeed, life on Mars. "Bastard drives like a drunken bumkin," claims one NASA technician. "We'll find it ass-end up one day."
Paul Ryan promises to use big ears to listen to Americans' problems
Picking on physical features isn't politically correct, but this is Election Season. Ryan's big ears cannot help but hear the woes of Americans from now until November. If only he could stop smiling.
Suri: "I wanna stay with Daddy because he has more toys."
Suri has cast her vote: she wants to live with Pops. "Let's face it," says the Materialistic Girl. "Who makes $25 million a film? One hint: it ain't Mommy."
NASA links climate change to severe weather, Romney calls NASA a hoax
Romney lashed out at a NASA report linking climate change to severe weather occurrences. Said Romney: "I never liked NASA, and now I wonder if we should be paying for them to write these fairy tales."
Romney trip a success: Ugly American Syndrome is real
Romney's recent trip to Europe and Israel was successful, if for only one reason. The myth of the Ugly American is a myth no more. Bombastic, insulting, aghast at small hotel rooms? All of the above.
Katie and Suri rescue 2,000 lives from flash flood
CALGARY--The Katie/Suri watch continues. They fed animals at zoos and are now saving lives. Katie and Suri evacuated some 2,000 people as flash floods swept through Calgary. Next up: curing bird flu.
First gold medal--and arrest--at Olympics
China's Yi Siling won gold in the 10m air rifle, then was promptly arrested for being "too damn good with a gun." Mitt Romney, currently ridding his vocab of anti-Semitic remarks, is said to approve.
Quayle and Romney kindred spirits
When former VP Dan Quayle claimed his high school Latin didn't help while in Panama, we thought that was rock bottom. Enter Mitt Romney: this week he claimed the British couldn't even speak English.
Physicists would be much more "happening" if they searched for bosom, not boson, study
Harfold State College instructor of the course Funnybook Physics, Elwood Woodson, admitted that the recent excitement surrounding the Higgs Boson was the very reason why physicists didn't get laid.
Porn-induced headache mystery solved: man flogged himself
An Indian man (24) reported that he couldn't view online porn without suffering from splitting headaches. Turns out he was batting himself over the skull with a cricket bat.
Cruise cruisin' for a bruisin'
Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from sometimes actor, sometimes religious whack-o Tom Cruise. Holmes and Nicole Kidman scheduled a pedicure to discuss how Tom's latest ex will tackle the $275 mill.
Blitzer decides to report news before it happens
CNN's Wolf Blitzer, tired of racing against other news outlets to report breaking news first, has decided to just start making up shit and reporting it. His new show will be called, "This just in."
Buckingham Palace to be renamed Queen's Crib
For the second time in less than a week, Parliament announced that yet another iconic structure would be renamed in honor of Q.E. II. Queen's Crib will still feature the changing of the lads.
Romney advocates "new American way"
No one can argue Mitt Romney's dedication to the new American way. His company Bain Capital has been shipping American jobs overseas for some time.
Bullying video so hard to watch, viewers have to watch it twice
The video of students harassing a 68-year-old bus monitor has been deemed by news anchors as "so difficult to watch" that viewers are forced to watch it twice, if not three or four more times.
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