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Showing snippets written by Michael Balton.


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New Strategy?

Congress considers putting more boots on the ground to kick the can down the road.

written by Michael Balton, 17 October 2013
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Cruz News

Ted Cruz is promoting his new citizen's guide:

"How a Bill Becomes a Hate Crime"

written by Michael Balton, 11 October 2013
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From the nation's capital…

They had to close the National Zoo. It couldn't compete with the Congressional Circus.

written by Michael Balton, 03 October 2013
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A Zero Sum Game

345 Representatives. 100 Senators. 0 Leaders.

written by Michael Balton, 03 October 2013
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For the Birds

What's the difference between a flock of flamingos and Congress?

Flamingos keep cool by urinating on their legs. Congressmen prefer getting pissy with John Boehner.

written by Michael Balton, 06 August 2013
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Face of the Mets' Future

If Ike Davis corrects his timing, listens to his coaches and takes extra batting practice, he could develop into the next Jason Bay.

written by Michael Balton, 02 August 2013
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TV Viewing Tip Gleaned from Real Life

I need to pay closer attention when using my cable TV box's remote control.
I thought I was watching the latest Jackass movie for the past two hours. Turned out to be tonight's Met game.

written by Michael Balton, 20 July 2013
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All-Star Game Bulletin

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has killed the opening musical number for this year's All-Star game. It was called "When You Wish Upon a Steroid," and featured Goofy and Tinkerbell.

written by Michael Balton, 27 June 2013
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US Opens World's First Flight School for Pigs

"Many of our most pressing problems only can be solved 'when pigs fly,'" explains Pres. Obama. "We're also working on a refrigeration system to freeze over Hell."

written by Michael Balton, 21 June 2013
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It's time to play…

What Stinks Worse?
A. a disabled Carnival Cruise ship
B. a Sandy Alderson bullpen

written by Michael Balton, 24 April 2013
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New Perspectives On Primates

Some cultures consider monkey brains to be a delicacy.
Our culture considers monkey brains to be a Congress.

written by Michael Balton, 12 March 2013
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Against All Odds

An IKEA meatball won the third race at Belmont Park yesterday.

written by Michael Balton, 25 February 2013
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Baseball Bulletin

Big doings at New York's Citi Field tonight. The Mets are retiring Bernie Madoff's number. It's 162 million.

written by Michael Balton, 22 August 2012
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Rule of Three

Dick Clark...Richard Dawson...Who was Alex Trebek?

written by Michael Balton, 04 June 2012
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Nostalgia

Back to the days when the news was put on paper and the crooks were put in jail.
(Except for you, Richard Nixon. Hot down there, isn't it?)

written by Michael Balton, 28 January 2012
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Nostalgia

Back to the days when the news was put on paper and the crooks were put in jail.
(Except for you, Richard Nixon. Hot down there, isn't it?)

written by Michael Balton, 28 January 2012
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Memo to Jon Corzine:

You forgot to buckle up again, didn't you?

written by Michael Balton, 09 December 2011
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Herman Cain Reveals Secret Campaign Slogan

"Hold the pepperoni."

written by Michael Balton, 08 November 2011
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"I think I just spotted Snooki!"

"Since when do they allow dogs on this beach?"

written by Michael Balton, 14 August 2011
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You remember going to the beach...

It's like Facebook without shirts.

written by Michael Balton, 14 August 2011
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London Officials Test The Olympic Flame

With the Summer Olympics a year away, the city of London previewed a portion of the opening ceremonies last night. An enthusiastic crowd of 5,000 helped distribute the Olympic flame to 4 police cars.

written by Michael Balton, 07 August 2011
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Rupert Murdoch's Five Favorite Desserts

Alibi Pie
Half-Baked Excuses
Amnesia a la Mode
Cream-Filled Canards
And from Carvel... Fudgie the Truth

written by Michael Balton, 20 July 2011
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New economic stimulus scheme...

Schedule interest in dog years.

written by Michael Balton, 28 June 2011
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Diddy Changes His Name To 'Chuck Berry'

Purchases Naming Rights From Johnny B. Goode

written by Michael Balton, 24 June 2011
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