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White House Announces Revenue Plan
The US government will open a pizza chain in hopes of generating new revenue. Research shows pizza is the only profitable business in the States.
Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, lays off 5,530 people as it downsizes. The CEO reports that this will have no affect on the actual production of Viagra. Older couples around the globe rejoice.
Discovery Channel Announces New Show.
On the fins of a very successful Shark Week, The Discovery Channel announces the start of Hippocampus Tristis Week. "We are excited about a week of programming revolving around the Sad Sea Horse."
Texans Hurt in Swimming Pool
As the heat wave continues in the US, a Texas couple is scalded in their swimming pool as the water began to boil.
God Makes Visit to Austin
God sets the record straight in Austin as he appears in Barton Springs Park to tell people he did NOT tell Rick Perry to run for President. "Why the hell would I do that?" he asked.
US Replaces Debt Ceiling with Clay Tile
The United States government prepares to replace the current debt ceiling made from slate to the more popular clay tile.
Download the Parachute App for Your Smart Phones
Skydivers from all over the globe express gratitude to learn of the new Parachute App. Many of them drop their phones while free falling.
Spoofer Asks For Fence on You Tube
Due to current trends of Marines asking celebrities out and them accepting, Spoof writer Ellie James appeals to actor Tom Cavanagh for a new fence.
Dallas Cowboys Will Serve a $400 Hot Dog
Not to be beaten by the Boston Red Socks $80 hot dog, Jerry Jones will offer the $400 hot dog, complete with a 5 carat gold knife.
Texas Governor Doesn't Win Points with Latinos
Despite the fact Rick Perry passed out the new Powerade Latino sports drink, he didn't win any votes at the National Latino Conference.
Life Expectancy in US Lags Behind Other Nations
As Americans learn that their life expectancy has decreased simply by being American, many have begun packing their bags and are said to be heading to Canada and Australia.
Nation's Governors to Gather in Houston to Pray and Fast
Texas Governor, Rick Perry, invites the nation's governors to Houston for a prayer and fasting event. He assured his staff that it would not take place on Free Taco Tuesday.
Star Wars fan Prepares for End of World
Fearing the end is near, Star Wars fanboy David Clarke prepares to catch the nearest transport to the forest moon of Endor.
Earthquakes Felt Around Austin
As Austin prepares for summer, earthquakes are felt all around the Hill Country each time Governor Perry thinks.
Denmark Wants to Purchase the North Pole
In an apparent buy out plan, Denmark prepares to purchase The North Pole. When interviewed, Santa Claus states, "I'm pissed. Fucking Denmark!"
Elf like Boots Take off in Mexico
A bizarre fashion trend in Matehuala, Mexico prompts the wearing of extra large jock straps. Michael Cors, fashioista, stated that it's the best thing in fashion since leopard tights.
Pittsburg Steeler Cuts His Hair
Troy Polamala of the Pittsburg Steelers decides to spend his time during the lockout in the barber shop cutting his hair.
Broadway Announces Newest Musical
Seal Team Six: The Musical is set to start in a month. It will star Matthew Broderick as the main Navy Seal, and Nathan Lane as Osama Bin Laden.
Obama's 2nd Longest 40 Minutes
It's revealed that President Obama's second longest 40 minutes was taking his then new bride shoe shopping.
Sex May Lead to Aneurysms
As scientists discovered that having sex could lead to aneurysms, women around the world rejoiced as they now have another excuse to not have sex.
Osama Bin Laden owned a TV and Watched it
Not only did Osama Bin Laden watch himself on TV, he is reported to have also watched Dancing with the Stars, and The Office.
Bin Laden's Ghost Buys Dallas Cowboy's Season Tickets
The now dead Osama Bin Laden just bought season tickets for the Dallas Cowboys. "Those cheerleaders are better than 40 virgins," he states.
California Recalls Grape Tomatoes
California recalls grape tomotoes as they aren't really grapes, and are too small to be taken seriously as tomatoes.
US Troops hack into Bin Laden's I-tunes
US commandos discover Bin Laden listens to new Grammy winner's Mumford and Sons.
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