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Best way to learn to play the violin...

Whatever you do - DON'T. The beginner stage of learning to play the violin is well known to sound a lot like someone trying to skin a live cat with a blunt razor blade. Why not take up rowing instead?

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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How to relieve yourself in public without offending anybody...

NEVER unzip your trousers and exhibit your willy in public. This will cause offence and may get you arrested. Instead keep a condom in place at all times - and go whenever you like! Problem solved.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Best way to skin a rabbit...

First scald the offending rabbit briefly using steam from an infusion of deadly nightshade, then remove the skin with a single "turning inside out" manoeuvre reminiscent of taking off a jumper.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Best way to skin a turnip...

The tried and tested way to skin a turnip is to ride backwards at high speed on a wild boar through a thicket of briar, but you may have to shoot the wild boar later to put it out of its misery.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Cure found for "Garden Fever" sufferers...

There is only one known cure for the deadly virus "GARDEN FEVER." Order a really big truckload of premixed concrete, and concrete the fuck out of your whole plot. Only then will the symptoms subside.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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How to spot "Garden Fever"...

The most reliable sign that you have the virus "GARDEN FEVER" is when you find yourself on your hands and knees in the middle of the night, searching for blades of grass that have escaped the mower.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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You are not safe - even in your own garden...

Be on the alert when mowing your lawn because all may not be as it seems. Underneath that innocent-looking carpet of perfect suburban grass lurks a little-known virus known only as "GARDEN FEVER."

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Deadly Dartmoor...

A little-known danger awaits hikers on Dartmoor, so if you see a patch of ground which closely resembles a VERY LARGE PUDDLE OF PUKE take care not to step in it, because that's exactly what it is.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Rainforest alert...

If you're ever in the Amazon rainforest and you happen to meet a Three-Crested Mudquark you have only one choice. Stand STOCK STILL and play dead. If however you shit yourself, there is no escape.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Was Adam the original w*nker?

Do you know what Adam really thought when he saw Eve? "Phwoar! I'd like to give 'er one, but I quess I'd better not 'cos we'll get kicked out the Garden, so I'll just have to find relief another way."

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Beware the Flarp...

The characteristic disguise of the highly poisonous Aphrodisian Mottled Flarp is that of a harmless-looking ball of clay. Approach with EXTREME CAUTION wearing a string vest and bomb-proof trousers.

written by attilathehungry, 07 April 2011
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Easy way to attract new rugby fans...

Just give the guys a RUBBER CHICKEN to play with instead of a rugby ball. The resulting chaos and carnage will prove a lot more entertaining than the traditional game. The mind boggles. BRING IT ON!

written by attilathehungry, 06 April 2011
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Easy way to attract new football fans...

Just give those overpaid spoilt brats a rugby ball to play with instead of a football. The resulting comedy will be more than enough payback for our sulky primadonnas. The mind boggles. BRING IT ON!

written by attilathehungry, 06 April 2011
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Do you know what God said after he'd finished His Creation?

Holy SHIT! That is one fucked up world. Full of deadly plants and animals, and populated by another species which hasn't a fucking CLUE what it's meant to be doing. Oh dear. I think I've boobed...

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Latest recommendation for starving African nations...

Make lots and lots of babies - and EAT THEM. (I do apologise. This is extremely BLACK HUMOUR. It is also in appalling BAD TASTE, but unfortunately it is at the same time undeniably hilarious).

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Microsoft to merge with Heinz...

Software giant Microsoft is to merge with food giant Heinz. A new range of disposable computer software is promised which will make a nutritious meal after installation. Look out for "WinSoup 2011".

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Do you know what is the most revolting scenario in the whole world?

Ex-PM John Major doing it with Edwina Currie, that's what. I mean, what on earth were either of them thinking of? He had the charisma of a wet blanket, and she was about as attractive as a horse.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Did Mary Poppins wear any underwear?

Legendary starched, virginal, and squeaky-clean actress Julie Andrews was apparently fond of going on camera sans knickers! Oh my God! I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it...

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Madonna to found new religion...

A new religious sect "The Order of The Blessed Bitch" will have founder-member "Poptart" Madonna as its icon. Her statue will feature pointy boobs and a shaved Mons Pubis, and will moan in ecstacy.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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How do you tell one Zebra from another?

I haven't a fucking clue mate. The same goes for Giraffes, Meerkats, Rattlesnakes, Cucumbers, Rain Drops, Giant Squid, Aliens, Beefburgers, Grass, Concrete Blocks, and Manchester United Supporters.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Sony/BMG in new creative merger...

Sony/BMG is to merge with Sky and Sub-Aqua Products Ltd. This will enable scuba divers to listen to music underwater, retrieve emails, and watch cable TV. The new kit will retail at a cool £1 million.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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McLaren to merge with Maclaren...

Sports car designer McLaren is to merge with baby buggy designer Maclaren. The McDeath-Trap buggies will do 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds thereby enabling mums and their toddlers to get around a lot faster.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Hotpoint to merge with Fujitsu-Siemens...

Hotpoint is to merge with Fujitsu-Siemens. The resulting PC's will be the coolest-running on the market and will have a built-in mini-fridge for breaktime snacks and soft drinks in the workplace.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Head of RSPB commits suicide...

The head of the RSPB has committed suicide over the proposed extermination of vast quantities of songbirds. "He just couldn't bear it" said his tearful wife Hetty from their Buckinghamshire treehouse.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
Showing page 2 (of 7 pages)


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