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Oprah to Open Supersized Amusement Park After Show's Over

After her final show, Oprah plans to open an amusement park especially made to accomodate plus-sized people. Oprah's World will allow overweight folks to ride all the rides they can't at other parks.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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Valuable Tip For Frequenters of Public Showers (For Cleansing Purposes Only)

Tip: When showering with others, never let them turn their back on you when they're in the middle of a sneezing fit and suffering from diarrhea at the same time. Consequences could be messy for you.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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Sheen Extending Tour, Wants to Create new Asian Cuisine Program for TV

Charlie Sheen says he'll extend his "I'm a Winner!" tour to include twelve more dates. He says he's hoping he'll make enough to produce a new show in Asia called "Two and a Half Cats" on Food Network.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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Been There, Done That...Not Really, According to Scientists

Scientists are at work debunking the phenomenon of deja' vu, or a feeling this has happened before. Scientists are at work debunking the phenomenon of deja' vu, or a feeling this has happened before.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 03 April 2011
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Baby-Making Matchups Too Bizarre to Imagine, Or Maybe Not

Unlikely lovechild unions: Jennifer Aniston and Gilbert Gottfreid, Megan Fox and Gary Busey, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton (crap, the last two really happened!)

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 02 April 2011
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Cheap Teen Tries to Pass off Game Tokens in Condom Machine Purchase

Teen failed in an attempt to use Chuckee Cheese game tokens to buy condoms out of a coin-operated dispenser in a restroom, claiming he couldn't afford to buy them with real coins. Here's to safe sex!

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 02 April 2011
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Log Truck Causes Frightful Scene on Highway for Motorists

A log truck traveling too fast for weather conditions overturned on a busy highway, leading to several minor accidents. The resulting pileup caused fourteen other motorists to drop logs of their own.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 02 April 2011
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Iowa Youth Wins Spelling Bee Doing it By Himself and Nobody Else

A youth from Iowa won a school spelling bee in a tiebreaker. Lonnie Bates won by spelling the word "autonomous", or independent. Master Bates prefers doing things alone, so he knew the word very well.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 02 April 2011
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Woman Not Impressed With Free Looksie, Turns Man Into Authorities

Old lady accused young man of indecent exposure when he revealed his genitals while crossing his legs. She caught a glimpse of his manhood and complained; he said it was accidental and she's a prude.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Man Gets Ten Years in Prison for Tearing Off Mattress Tag

A man was sentenced to ten years in prison for tearing off the tag on his new mattress. He was busted by a female cop posing as a barfly in sting operation using sex to lure offenders to break law.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Man With Memory Problems Drives in Circles Around Neighborhood

A man with a severe case of short-term memory was pulled over in a cul de sac because he continued to drive in a circle, constantly forgetting where he was going and forgetting where he had been.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Woman Arrested for Practicing Oldest Profession on Leisurely Bike Ride

A lady on a ride with her cat is pulled off her bicycle and arrested for prostitution. When she denies the charge, the police explain to her that she was caught "pedaling pussy on a public street."

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Man Loses Hairpiece on Thrillride, Safely Returned Later

A man flips his lid, literally, on a roller coaster ride. On downhill run, the man's toupee flies off and lands in the lap of a woman two rows behind. She returns it to the embarrassed man afterwards.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Rush to Play Dual Roles in Sequel to Two Different Films at Once

Geoffrey Rush will reprise two roles in sequel to "Pirates" and "King's Speech" in same film. He plays Lionel Logue who's transported to the 1700s to teach his own Captain Barbossa proper English.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Woman Sues Fox For Not Being Hot Enough to Hire

A woman sues the Fox News Channel for denying her employment because she didn't qualify for the job, claiming they thought she wasn't attractive enough. There's a reason why they call it "Fox" News!

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Blind Man Gravely Disappointed At Local Fish Market

A blind man mistakenly entered a fish market with cash in hand and a bulge in his trousers, asking for the best one they had. Expecting a hooker with a snap, the man only got a snapper with a hook.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Brosnan-Boyle Affair Confirmed...Lance, Lance Boyle On Way

Susan Boyle is reportedly pregnant with Pierce Brosnan's lovechild. Pierce admits he and Susan had a torrid affair to result in a bouncing baby boy. Lance A. Boyle will make his debut in late summer.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
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Generic Viagra Not Doing the Trick, Men Getting It Up Only Part Way

Makers of a generic form of viagra are pulling it off shelves over fears that it is only half as effective. Many men are reporting only partial erections that aren't much better than total impotence.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 31 March 2011
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Man Found Dead From Suffocation Due to Drunken Affair With Love Doll

A man was found dead in his home atop his deflated rubber sex doll which had sprung a leak and suffocated him. Apparently, the man had been drinking and was too weak to pull his mouth off the breasts.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 31 March 2011
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Werewolf Gets Weak, Hospitalized During Recent Lunar Eclipse

The Werewolf, who thrives in the light of a full moon, was rushed to the hospital during a recent lunar eclipse. He began to get weak when the earth's shadow gradually passed across the lunar surface.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 31 March 2011
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Dracula Spotted Outdoors During Recent Eclipse of Sun

During a recent total solar eclipse, Dracula was spotted outside in a rare daylight appearance. Dracula ventured from his coffin because he thought night had fallen, a common mistake made by vampires.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
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Clooney to Undergo Surgery in Bid to Reclaim Sexy Title

George Clooney plans to have plastic surgery to help him reclaim the illustrious title "Sexiest Man Alive". My wife insists he doesn't need surgery to make that happen because he never lost the title!

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
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X-Files Star Not Sure Which Accent to Use During Double Interview

Gillian Anderson, known for switching off and on her British accent depending on her location, will be simultaneously interviewed by reporters from both sides of the pond to see which one she'll use.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
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People With Opposite Phobias Help Each Other Get Through Their Difficulties

A woman with agoraphobia helped a claustrophobic man get out of a manhole he fell into by her house, then the man returned the favor by helping the agoraphobic woman back into the safety of her home.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
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