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Dog Bites The Hand That Feeds!
In a nasty little incident, Paul, a Schnauzer Puppy from Germany bit his owner Kevin whilst eating a biscuit.
'He's just hungry' said Kevin.
Hotel Room No Bible Policy
New Hotel Chain ' Travel Dodgy' has caused outrage by not having The Bible in rooms.
A travel spokesman said 'It's the first thing people look for.This will never catch on.'
Mars Bar Duo Scam Exposed.
Inventor of the Mars Duo, chocolatier Sir Humphrey Wispa has admitted It's just a Mars Bar cut in half.
' I just cut a Mars Bar in half and changed the wrapper,' said Humphrey.
Fly Found In Ointment
Unhygenic news now, and Beryl Frisk, 63, from Troon had a shock when she bought her usual wrinkle cream, opened it up and found a fly inside!
'I won't be buying that again,' said Beryl.
Sesame Street Closed For Roadworks
There was chaos this morning on Sesame Street when it was closed for road re-surfacing repairs which could last up to three months.
Popular neighbours Burt & Ernie said 'The traffic's terrible.'
Glacier Mint Stars In Suicide Pact
Terry Fox and Mike Polar Bear,the original stars of the Fox's Glacier Mint Empire have both been found dead in their New York Penthouse.
A friend said 'They were worried about their rent payments.'
Mr Magoo Fails Eye Test
Famous Hollywood Cartoon Character Mr Magoo failed his eye test today for the 40th year running.
'They really are the worst set of Mince Pies I've ever seen,' said Eye specialist Cockney Dave.
Mouse Spotted On Staircase
There was panic in the Jackson household in Dagenham when daughter Kylie saw a mouse.
'Where did you see it love?' asked Mum.
'There on the stair, right there. I think it had clogs on,' said Kylie.
Inchworm Measures Marigold
Gardening news,and an inchworm was seen measuring a marigold by crawling across the petal and singing and counting as he moved.
Garden Expert Alan Titchmarsh said 'With his arithmetic he'll go far.'
Italian Soldier Wins Bravery Award
Breaking News from Italy, where war veteran Gepetto Ravioli, 95, has passed away. He remains the only Italian soldier ever to win The George Cross award for bravery.Many don't believe he was Italian.
Savoury Popcorn's A Bit Crap
It's official, at the Annual Savoury Food Awards,the 'It's Just Wrong' Award went to Salt and Vinegar Popcorn.
Awards Organiser Houston Texas agreed, 'It is a shite idea,' he said.
'' Cliff Hanger ''
Wrinkly Mr Nice Guy Cliff Richard has launched a new range of clothing accessories. The 'Cliff Hanger' is available in all good shopping centres now.
'They're very handy' said Cliff.
Cats Do Not Have Nine Lives
Popular Scientist Denver Colorado, 43, from Cleethorpes University proved another Old Wives tale to be total rubbish when he reversed over next door's cat!
'It's definitely dead' said Denver.
Child Eats Yellow Snow
A boy of 11, out playing with his younger sister in the snow commited the cardinal sin and ate some yellow snow.
He felt a bit funny for a bit, but then recovered.
'We did warn him,' said his Mum.
Rolling Stone Gathers Moss
At the annual Crinkly Rocker Awards in Leicester Square Kate Moss was walking to the stage in very high heels when she tripped and started to fall. Mick Jagger was on hand and calmly stopped her fall.
John Terry Wins Award
Hairdressing News just in, and The Award for Premiership Footballer Worst Haircut of The Year has gone to Chelsea's John Terry.
Judge Terry Blowave said 'It's a right Knife And Fork Job.'
Woman Bakes A Cake
In an extraordinary act of friendship, Val Ewables,57, from Dorset baked her friend Marjorie a cake.
'I knew she was coming,' said Val.
Ex Postman Delivers Knockout Blow
Sports News just in, Dave 'Mr Fixit' Spanner, the Postman turned boxer won his first Pro fight when he knocked out his opponent in the first round.
'I've always had a knockout delivery' said Dave.
Nani Still Crying !
Soft-arsed Man United star Nani is still crying, 24 hours after Liverpool's Jamie Carragher fouled him.
The Big Girls Blouse used a full packet of tissues on the way home.
'It hurt that,' he said.
Fergie Silences Fans!
Sulking Big Kid, Manchester United Manager Sir Alex Ferguson has today ordered all United fans not to speak to anyone else other than fellow United fans.
'I'll wuddy show them,' he fumed.
Kolo Toure Diet Tips
Manchester City Defender Kolo Toure made the headlines for all the wrong reasons this week by taking some of his wife's dietary pills!
The good news is he's already dropped two dress sizes.
Dirk Kuyt Scores Shortest Hat-Trick Ever
Football News, and history was made today when Liverpool's Dutch Forward Dirk Kuyt scored the shortest ever Hat-Trick.
All 3 of his goals were 'Tap-Ins', and added up to a total of 6 Yards.
Dyson Hoover Cleans Up
At the prestigious Hoover of The Year Awards, James Dyson's new vacuum has cleaned up. The DC33 won best newcomer,and also longest cable, which is handy.
'It's great fun,' said a Hoover anorak.
Party Dessert Price A Trifle High
High Street Shopping Guru Hugo Thatway has warned that the price of Sainsbury's new Party Dessert Classic,
'The Jelly/Sponge/Fruit/Cream/Chocolate Sprinkles Combo' is a Trifle expensive.
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