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Bill Smith, 86 of Rotherham mistakenly asked for an iPatch in the Apple store instead of an iPad. Police arrested him on suspicion he was a hardware pirate
Giant French Cock
BBC female newsreader talking about 4th plinth in Trafalgar square discusses "giant French Cock"and burst out laughing :-))
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (3)
Was in Toys R'Us with Dave and asked him to find a battery toy for a birthday gift. Found he had wandered into Ann Summers, wonder why?.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (3)
Victoria has taken me out shopping today and we are in a place called "Toys R Us" wonder what they sell here.
Go Come Pear
Alan Sugar launched his new internet venture today "comparethecomparisonsite.com he said there was a gap in the market as big as that for the Amstrad e-Mailer.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (2)
Harry Rednapp asked me what number I want on my shirt when I play for Spurs. My lucky number is 7 (Aaron Lennon's) so instead I will have 7 times 7 which is 77
Celebrity Tweet: Roman Abramovitch (2)
BBC asked if they can send a camera crew with me for a year on my boat Eclipse as I travel the world. Series is to be called "Roman's Holidays" for BBC 4 HD
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (2)
Alan Sugar tweeted me and asked if I want to take over from Karen Brady on The Apprentice. Agreed if we change programme name to "Sugar and Spice"
Celebrity Tweet: Roman Abramovitch (I)
Met the Beckhams last night at the Bridge, said they both had low iQ's. Victoria thought it was a new product from Apple.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (1)
Vic tells me she's up the spout again, blamed me for poor ball control. Thought I got to the line and pulled it back, must have been mistaken.
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (1)
Dave introduced me to owner of Chelsea last night. Think his name was Roman Numerals, kept giving me a V sign. Think he wants us to have 5 kids
Chinese decide on new name for take-away
Chinese officials are to replace the words "Chinese Take Away" in China with "Take-Away". On the menu this week to "Take Away" are Google, Facebook, MySpace, VW, CNN, The Spoof, Ford, KKR.
French laugh at Chinese stealing industrial secrets
French secret service revealed today that the Chinese had stolen plans from Renault cars for the design of the first engine to run on Camembert cheese
Confusion at Soccer Ballon D'Or awards
At the Golden Boot awards in Geneva last night, Sepp Blatter, FIFA dictator announced the winner was Mr Messy. Roger Hargreaves author of Mr Men series was not present to collect the award
Apple sues Ikea
Apple is suing Ikea over the I in its name. Apple claimed if it wanted to enter the furniture market this would pollute its brand image. Apple recently entered the clothing market with its iMac range
Euromillions winner gives back winning ticket
Winner of 25 Million Euro lottery prize gives back ticket as bus fare to get from Blackpool to Brussels to collect prize now costs more than winnings following Euro devaluation
Taoiseach Brian Cowen to appear on TV
Taoiseach of Eire, Brian Cowen has confirmed that he will be taking part in the BBC's "Cash in the Attic" new series to be filmed in Dublin. All proceeds will go to paying off the German loans.
RBS CEO Stephen Hester donates Bonus
RBS CEO in dramatic turnaround gave all his bonus of $10Million to Charity. His other 2 daughters, Hope and Faith received nothing after their Youtube bathtime video with Saracens Rugby Club aired.
Cameron sacks West Ham boss
David Cameron fired Avram Grant, Manager of West Ham United today explaining with all the financial cutbacks, there will be an increase of 3x in tuition fees and all Grants must be cut immediately
North Sudan to hold referendum
After the South Sudan vote to break away and form a separate country, North Sudan has decided to hold a vote too.
"We won't be told what to do by the South" said a spokesman for the True North Party.
Strange object discovered during Jedward's operation
Doctors trying to rejoin Jedward twins in worlds first re-conjoint operation discovered 3 tongues during surgery. DNA testing revealed the one found in one twins rectum was that of Louis Walsh
UK Gold reserves sold
George Osbourne, Chancellor of the Exchequer revealed that last Friday he sent all the nation's gold reserves to WeBuyYourGold.com in order to pay down the deficit. The cheque is due in 30 days
Hallmark and FIFA sign new sponsorship deal
FIFA dictator Sepp Bladder signed a 4 Year deal with Hallmark Cards Inc to sponsor referee's red and yellow cards. "They made me an offer I couldn't refuse" he said on his 75ft yacht "Gravy-train IV"
Beckham's reveal gender of expected 4th child
The Beckham's informed the world today that Posh was pregnant and expecting their first girl. doctors at London's Mint Imperial Hospital saw Jimmie Choo shoes & Versace bags on the ultrasound scan.
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