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Showing snippets written by Juvenal Delinquent.


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Taco Bell: Where's the Beef?

In response to the recent lawsuit over the quality of their meat, Taco Bell launches 3 new ad campaigns: "Yo Queiro Alpo!", "Make a Run for the Border Collie", and "Think Outside the Runs."

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 26 January 2011
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Christian Conservatives blame Bears loss on Obama, claim "God's Punishment"

Leading Republicans say that the Bears lost because liberal fans voted for Obama. "God hates Obama, Obama's from Chicago, therefore, God hates Chicago", they said in a statement.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 24 January 2011
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Fitness guru Jack LaLanne, Dead at a healthy 96

Proving that no matter how well you eat or how much you exercise, you're still gonna die.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 24 January 2011
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House proposes water vitamization

On the heels of the health law repeal, Republicans have proposed instead to put vitamins in the public water supply to increase nutrient intake, and reduce the necessity of seeing a doctor.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 20 January 2011
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Goldman Sachs to buy Facebook, rename it 'Cookedbook'

In an effort to appease their rich and angry American clients after the fiasco of barring them from investing in Facebook, Goldman Sachs announces they'll just buy the social media giant instead.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 19 January 2011
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Thousands of Twitterers mysteriously fall dead from Skype

Dubbed the "App-pocalypse" by users, scientists say this is a perfectly natural phenomenon, likely brought on by a computer virus, and nothing to worry about.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 09 January 2011
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SarahPAC website removes 'Hit List' map

In the wake of the Arizona shooting, SarahPAC quickly removes the map with gun sights targeting political opponents saying, "God forbid our idiot gun-loving supporters think we're actually serious."

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 09 January 2011
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Latest Terror Threat in US Aimed to Poison Food

Now everyone can blame their fast food binge on Al Qaeda.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 22 December 2010
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Author who penned "how to" guide for pedophiles to write new book

Phillip Greaves, author of, "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover's Code of Conduct" was arrested Monday. His next book will be on how to guarantee you'll be sodomized in prison.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 22 December 2010
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US inmate John Duty executed with animal drug - BBC News

A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug for death row inmates in the US, forced the state to use pentobarbital so that, "he could die like the damned dirty dog he was."

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 18 December 2010
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Google explores human body with HTML5 - USATODAY.com

Google announces joint venture with the TSA to map everyone's body scan with a three-dimensional layered model of naked airline passengers.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 17 December 2010
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New advice for Nuclear War - NYTimes.com

Don't flee, get inside. Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 17 December 2010
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Juilan Assange karaoke's to AC/DC's Big Balls

At a Wikileaks celebration party in an undisclosed location outside of London, Julian Assange leads fellow supporters in a rousing rendition of AC/DC's hymn to testicular one-upmanship.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 01 December 2010
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Wikileaks site said to be brought down by 'ethical hacker'

Well that rules out the U.S. Government then.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 01 December 2010
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Documents reveal founder of Wikileaks had a boyhood penchant for swatting hornet's nests

Documents leaked on the Internet disclose Julian Assange's lifelong obsession with flying, stinging insects. According to the docs, he loved to hit the nests like a pinata then run like hell.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 30 November 2010
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U.S. Government plays 'Whack-a-Mole' to combat online piracy

In its futile effort to combat file-sharing, the DHS has begun 'whacking' suspected websites with a large mallet. No word on how many agents have a black eye due to the frenzied playing.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 30 November 2010
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Willie Nelson sings 'On the bong again'

Willie Nelson, 77, was charged with marijuana possession yet gain after 6 ounces was found on his tour bus in Texas. Stoned fans were highly bummed, expecting him to have, "way more pot than that."

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 28 November 2010
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Wealthy terrorists to fly private charter jets

Class warfare erupts between rich and poor terrorists over who does and doesn't have to go through airport security. Cash-strapped terrorists claim discrimination, calling the disparity "unfair."

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 25 November 2010
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Michael 'Shirtoff' profits from naked body scanners

Former DHS chief Michael 'Shirtoff' Chertoff fulfills fantasy of having his surname forever lampooned by bad punsters due to his profit participation in naked body scanners.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 25 November 2010
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TSA announces the hiring of Santas

The uproar over the patting down of children has prompted the TSA to hire Santas to help with security. The kids will get to sit on Santa's lap, and he'll find out if they've been naughty or nice.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 23 November 2010
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Lindsay Lohan will no longer deepthroat

Disappointing Internet porn addicts across the globe, it was announced today that Ms. Lohan was dropped from the upcuming Lovelace biopic Inferno. Her camera phone audition will stay online though.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 21 November 2010
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Powdery substance in letter to Dancing with the Stars turns out to be fairy dust

A spokesman for the FBI wouldn't comment on the contents of the threatening letter, or to whom it was addressed, but did say that the note was obviously written by an, "angry Tinkerbell."

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 20 November 2010
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TSA exempts pilots from pat-downs

After weeks of pressure, the Transportation Security Administration has agreed to exempt pilots from pat-downs and full body scans, especially those who don't know how to take-off or land the plane.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 20 November 2010
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Lindsay Lohan emerges from rehab looking radiant and healthy enough to do drugs again

Friends say Li-lo looks so good from her stint at the Betty Ford clinic, she's ready to take her career to a whole level by doing crystal-meth and heroin.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 20 November 2010
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