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Global Warming Explained
When Johnny Prescott jumps into his pool, the resultant shock waves cause the sea level to rise and flood Belgium. But it's another Champs. League spot for Everton anyway..
Classified Ad #1
For Sale: Copies of the Script Album, and clearly not any tiny Romanian immigrants wrapped in a box. Honest. Send details for N. Sarkozy. £10 ono
Cameron to release Sequel to Avatar
Davey C. set to release Avatar II. Location of Middlesborough set to double as the primitive dwellings. Cameron: "No scene changes required. It's perfect for the film!"
Tiger Woods 11 to feature massive revamp
Game set to feature USA actually winning the Ryder Cup rather than losing it to the Europeans.
Terror Alert System Changes
Rather than colours, terror scale measured by politicans. Medium Crisis is Nick Clegg. Big Crisis Gordon Brown. Huge crisis John Prescott. Safe doesn't exist.
Europe win Ryder Cup
Because sometimes, world wars don't come the same if you're playing golf.
Obstacles on the Sixth Hole
This hole is the most Welsh in the Ryder Cup: no fairway; sheep running riot and the flag replaced with rugby posts. Will need 12 shots (more than Wales will get in Euro 2012)
Obstacles on the Fifth Hole
This short par 3 is easily managable if you hit the green... if Lady Gaga didn't decide to dress up specifically for the event. And avoid Victoria Beckham with her new hat: that's not the flag.
Obstacles on the Fourth Hole
The fourth hole is covered with Obama enthusiasts. Recommended you take a bi. I mean a by.
Obstacles on the Third Hole
The third hole contains a variety of bunkers and thick patches of grass. Ideal for you Mr. Woods if you get the urge to find Nigella Lawson or Kate Thornton.
Obstacles on the Second Hole
The second hole, a Dog Leg Left, literally has a dog leg left on the playing field. Thought to be from nearby dumpster.
Obstacles on the First Hole. (1 of 18)
The first hole is 250 yards, and is littered with homeless Romanian people who were kicked out of France
Sarkozy opens "France World"
People must use "Park Tickets" to enter after Nicolas pissed off the EU.
Commonwealth hires monkeys as security
Fernando Torres, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole "delighted to be doing something productive"
Cyrus gets "Big Break"
Teen "sensation" Miley Cyrus was recently rewarded for years of ruining kids imaginations with a Burger King commercial. Miley "gutted" she's an extra.
Gordon Brown Stig Quote 3
Some people say that whenever he sees a pound coin on the street, he throws it down the drain to join the British treasury.
BBC aren't making massive budget cuts...
They said this morning as they announced that Chris Moyles and Jonathan Ross had been replaced by two guys from university.
Yakubu seen eating 7 Big Macs
Fans expect either a goal romp or a mini stroke.
Gordon Brown Stig quote No2
Some say that when he smiles, a child in London receives triple homework for coming to lessons.
Bend it like Beckham
Former England Captain's private life comes out after encounter with paps. Well it's a lot more detailed than his C.V. ever could be.
Woman takes on bear... and wins
Woman attacks bear with courgette. RSPCA searching for her after they settled their other annual case of "dog in a dumpster"
England Team Given Deli Go Ahead
Following speculation Capello won't let them eat at all to avenge losses at South Africa.
Gordon Brown Stig quotes No1
Some people say that when he fills up his car, he contemplates whether he's cheating on America.
George Bush stars in next season of Glee
Apparently, producers were looking for someone who'd been out of touch with the world for the past ten years.
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