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Uk pensions set to suffer
Pension payouts in the UK are set to fall so dramatically over the next decade that the Pensions Advisory Service is urging people to stop working immediately or they could be hit.
Police in Totnes have arrested a man carrying a handgun. Police Chief, Pat McShakey, told us that's what the police do, it's their job. The man was held in custardy but the gun was released on bail.
Scientists warn of killer vegetable
Top scientists have today confirmed that parsnips can cause heart failure. This follows last week's report of Jeff Randyman who was stabbed in the heart by a parsnip-weilding madman.
Hats off to Derek
Master hatter, Derek Nubbs, celebrated his 123rd birthday in style by lifting off his hat to allow local press reporters a piss easy headline.
England winger sues
Man City and England star, Adam Johnson, and his brother (not named) have confirmed they will be taking action against Johnson & Johnson following allegations of trademark infringement.
Coyle backs coil
Bolton Wanderers manager Owen Coyle will appear in a public awareness campaign to promote the use of the contraceptive coil following his successful ads for johnnys.
Residents of Paris, France are 87% more likely to be French than Alaskan.
Barnsley pet owners warned
Pet lovers in the South Yorkshire resort of Barnsley are being reminded to keep all hippos in doors during the forthcoming September mating season.
Driving safety standards drop
Road safety experts claim driving without glasses can cause accidents particularly if you have bad eyesight and normally wear glasses.
Cheese fumes kill Belgians
Brussels lorry driver Franck Clocktower ploughs into bus stop killing 347 Belgians after being overwhelmed by the fumes of his cargo of cheese.
Pickles donates neck fat to African tribe
Eric Pickles, who recently underwent cosmetic liposuction to remove loose neck fat, was so moved by a documentary of the Etonia tribe in Mali that he decided to gift them his surgical off-cuts.
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