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Feed the World Foundation
A new charity - Feed the World - has been set up in London. It is aimed directly at the super rich and will be run by them. It is hoped at least two percent of donations will reach their destinations.
Did Paris miss The Big Bang?
"The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe," Benedict said on the day of the Epiphany, "But, I have my doubts about Paris Hilton."
Arnie Lands Plum Role
Warners are doing a remake of the hit TV series of the sixties The Beverley Hillbillies. Arnie will play Jed Clampett; Paris Hilton will play Elly May and Barry Manilow will play Granny Moses.
Pope Resigns
Pope Benedict today resigned from the Papacy in a dramatic TV announcement from the Vatican. "Never wanted to be a Pope in the first place," said he. "Mum's idea."
Hef Liquefies
Crystal Harris is being treated for shock tonight after discovering her new husband Hugh Hefner had turned into a pool of goo during the night. Pending autopsy report sales of Viagra have been halted.
Rowling to Open Own Bank
Rowling and her partners Little and Blair are to open their own bank... The Harry Potter Bank of England. "Of course, if you want to borrow from us you will have to ask our permission," she stressed.
Bird Mystery Solved
On reading scientists' report as to why thousands of shocked birds fell dead out of the sky mayor of Arkansas warned citizens "If you must eat so much cabbage do not leave your windows open at night."
War Gene Discovered
Scientists at the university of Notre Dame have discovered what they call a war gene. People with the gene need to follow orders and murder people. Many join the armed forces or become religious nuts.
Ramsay Not Happy With Face-Lift
Gordon Ramsay observing face-job in mirror told plastic surgeon Gordon Peel: "For fucksake man, it's waaaaay overcooked! I'd never serve that in my restaurant!"
Ronnie Biggs' Last Wish
Nursing Home, Barnet, London: Ailing train robber Ronnie Biggs 81 has asked for "a signed photo of J.K.Rowling for my dart board" as he "needed exercise". "I only robbed trains, not brains", said he.
Ghost of Sinatra at Caesar's Palace
Staff at Caesar's Palace Las Vegas say it's haunted by the ghost of Frank Sinatra. Sounds of "My Way", "Mack the Knife", and other tunes of ego-mania, greed and murder can be heard at midnight.
Ahead of his Time
A crazed homosexual held up staff at "H. Samuel's Clock Repairs" shop in London yesterday. Terrified witness said he placed his dick on the counter and ordered male attendant to "put hands on that!" "
Spoofitis, New Deadly Virus at Large.
People are dying in huge numbers from new virus - SPOOFITIS. Victims can no longer take news broadcasts seriously and are addicted to the website thespook.com. Considered incurable and contagious.
Sour Kraut... Der Fuhrer?
Rumours are coming out of Germany that ancient, human waiter found in Berlin Nachtklub could be Adolf Hitler.
Massive Car Bomb in London
A massive 5,000lbs bomb was defused at the offices of the London Times tonight. The Little Sisters of Mary Dublin claimed responsibility, "for that cartoon about Mary" printed in Sunday's Supplement.
Pope Near Death
Pope Benedict known to his friends as "Eggs" was rushed to hospital this morning. Secretary Fr. Corleone said it had nothing to do with his "urbi et orbi" promise to sell up and give all to the poor.
Neil Gaiman Innocent
Kids' writer Neil Gaiman denies he was paid millions by Rowling to stop bitching about being plagiarized. "It's a load of bull!" said he, from his castle in France.
Rowling's Bird Baths
The world's most expensive bird baths designed, by Damien Hirst, have been installed at Rowling's mansion in Edinburgh. Rowling warned grounds staff - "It can be used by all birds... except sparrows!"
Rowling Sex Change
J.K.Rowling's sex-change operation to be filmed live on the Oprah Winfrey Show. "Jo" says "It will be a huge relief for everybody especially my former husband". Warner has bought rights to the video.
Potter The Opera Arrives
London: Plans to stage "Potter the Magic" opera, music by Sir Elton John, lyrics by C.S. Lewis, are well advanced. Anglophile Russell Crowe, desperate for knighthood, insists on playing "Potter".
Rowling's Agent to be Knighted
Rowling's agent Chris Little has been given a knighthood in this year's Honours list. But, he will not be able to receive it. "People would know then what I look like", said he. "Jo will go instead".
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