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Scientific Breakthrough at Hadron.
Scientists at the Hadron Particle Accelerator Plant in Switzerland have concluded that the universe is doomed to perish. "But, with sufficient funding, we may be able to halt it."
Jimmy Savile Inquiry Ends
Three years on, Lord Chief Justice Hiram Quagmire has ended Scotland Yard's inquiry into the Jimmy Savile paedophile case... because of "lack of evidence".
Give Us Back Our Gold !
Putin has told the U.S. Federal Reserve Bank to return the billions of dollars worth of gold it stole from Russia in 1917.
Reagan's Dream Fulfilled,
Barack Obama calling himself "the Ronald Reagan of the Left" has decided to put an end to education in America. Every student over the age of seventeen is to be sent to university.
Savile Inquiry: Scotland Yard have announced that the paedophile charge against Lord Tintin has been dropped after the Peer fortunately died last week of old age. The case is expected to drag on for another ten years to ensure all similar suspects are dead and forgotten.
Obama Is Knight of Malta
Pope Francis has made President Obama an honorary Knight of Malta. He will take on the name of Constantine.
New Irish Anti-Terrorism Laws
Under new anti-terrorism laws, Irish pensioners seeking rent assistance of 20 Euros or more per week must submit medical records and sperm count.
Pope Francis And Freedom of Speech
In the wake of the Hebdo massacre Pope Francis has come out to 'defend' Freedom of Speech by...er...condemning it.
Obama's New Bill
Obama has authored a new bill to be presented to the HOUSE today. "Nobody with a vested interest in war is allowed to stand for Congress."
.... Yea... right!
Not What you Think at All
CCTCT or the compulsion to disprove conspiracy theory has been officially diagnosed as a psychological ailment by the World Psychiatric Association in service to the New World Order. A new drug called Serenity has been introduced to combat it.
"Please... Don't Let Them Torture Me!"
So pleads ex-U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney in a live video broadcast last night shortly after he was abducted by Al Qaeda.
Kissinger Celebrates Birthday
Henry Kissinger celebrates his 119th birthday at Masonic playground Bohemian Grove. George W. Bush cuts cake.
Shares in "Bush Pill" Company Rocket.
A new pill called the "Bush Pill" designed to relieve Islamophobia is sweeping the US. "Buy 9, Get 2 free", runs the ad.
A man was reportedly upset on a London tube train yesterday when a schoolgirl said something to him about his baldness. Girl is still in custody as police investigation continues.
Dr. Klaus Gotya of the Tavistock Institute London has stated that "Wolfgang Mozart had classic OCD and was curable with the right medication.".
Obama... Ordinary like us.
Yesterday, President Obama was refused entry into a restaurant for not wearing a tie and later fined for double parking and... ordered to return his library books... and thrown off a tram...and...
Said President Obama with regards to ISIS.
"For every American head they cut off, I will cut off my own!"
Bringing Your Foreign Spouse to Live with you in the UK?
Community Centres throughout Britain are now running a 3-year course to help you fill in the forms.
Joan Rivers Loses It
A medical bulletin just released from a Manhattan clinic states that Joan Rivers had stopped talking during throat surgery.
Sir Dicky Gone but not Forgotten
Nearly a million UK Freemasons are expected to hold a three minutes silence in honour of Sir Richard Attenborough who passed away today. J.K.Rowling will lay a wreath at his grave.
Reward for Congress
As a reward for betraying the American people President Obama has built an all-expenses paid holiday resort for Congress in Denver.
Mob Kill Man in Baghdad
A Muslim man claimed on Baghdad TV that he had a near-death experience.
"I went to heaven and had my way with 72 virgins. They weren't as hot as I'd imagined."
The funeral is on Monday.
Rowling is a Man
Rowling has confessed to her true gender. "Yes, I am a man... the hint was in my name "J.K Rowling"... I am soooooo sorry but I am Dumbledore, Queen of the Muggles, and always have been."
A scheduled portrait of Pope Francis that was to have been undertaken by Rolf Harris has been cancelled, the Vatican says.
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