Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Xinix Xaxx.Show all snippets.
Wanted: Baseball Umpire
REquired...Sense of fair play, knowledge of the game of Baseball, Must be self assured. No applicant WITHOUT glasses at least two inches thick will be considered.
Awesome Man seeks less interesting hero sidekick. Flashy costume good, weaker super powers than Awesome Man's important, ability to be captured and/or tortured by villains a must.
Wanted: Knife Salesman
Needed: Steady Hands, Winning Smile, Good People Skills, Very Thick Skin and Large Box of Band-Aids bandages
Count Dracula was told today by his dentist that his fangs are suffering from serious decay and will have to be removed. Drac is looking into dentures.
Wanted : Delievery Boy
Must be reliable. Must be able to swallow small balloons. Must not ask questions.
Electrolux Vacuum Cleaners Change Motto
Electrolux vacuum cleaners will no longer be "The ones that REALLY REALLY SUCK!!!"
Wanted: Cab driver
Knowledge of the city necessary. Ability to speak English not.
Press Release from Sharpie
Sharpie markers say "Not for Letter Writing" on them. A spokesman from the company stated today "They're just for writing NUMBERS!!"
New Warning Label 2
A label on a window purchased at the hardware store said "For indoor or outdoor use."
Greed for the ages
Donald Trump tried today to copyright the phrase "Yeah, but" and demand payment of $0.25 every time anyone said it.
A Boston man called emergency services today to ask what to do when his wife actually did not have a headache and wanted to have sex with him.
New Warning Label
All bananas now must come with a Federal Government's Warning..."Caution!! Peel May Be Slippery!!"
Wanted: Political radio talk show host
Ability to speak clearly a must. No strong regional accents, please. Belief that one political party are gods and the other is demonic required.
Wanted: Lion Tamer
Must not be afraid of cats. Must be good with people. Ability to re-grow limbs gnawed off a plus.
Wanted: Political Scapegoat
Job requires ability to talk for a long time without saying anything. Ability to dress nicely required. Stammering a good trait. No backbone or sense of honesty required.
Wanted: Dental assistant
Must have Masters degree. Experience in the field a must. Sadism a plus.
New live broadcast cartoon seeks cartoon artist. Must be able to draw very quickly.
Wanted: Computer programer
Must be able to use HTML, BASIC. Must be able to use windows, sliding glass doors and operate Microsoft Windows.
Wanted: K-Mart Pharmacist
Must have good people skills. Must be able to read Latin. Ability to count over ten a plus.
Bad Guy Gets New Henchman
Batman's longtime enemy, the Penguin, has branched out in his efforts to defeat Batman. The Penguin is now hiring puffins as well.
Pat Robertson, age 79, still claims to be able to leg press 2000 lbs. Nobody seems to believe him.
Clinton message to Obama
"Learn to play an instrument. I won my second term as president based only on my SAX appeal!"
Tomorrow it will be cold. Very cold. Cold enough to freeze a snowman's ass off.
A flock of chickens protesting bad jokes, led a protest march, ironically, back and forth across a road.