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A bee in the bonnet?
Shocking confessions were signed by several prominent car manufacturers today, stating that they had all captured honey-bees and used their skins to create pollen filters for air-conditioning units.
Automated Archers in Ambridge
The BBC have confirmed that the voices of several actors from The Archers are in fact generated by computers. 'It's a great pity,' report the BBC, 'but actors are getting more expensive to hire.
Nutty rodents, ratty students
At Whackinghamshire University, several students were set upon by gangs of grey squirrels and robbed of their crisps and nuts. Security guards have now been posted at the student shop.
Mockton hop to it
In an attempt to keep fit and to help the environment, residents of Lancashire village Mockton are bouncing for Britain with a month-long campaign to make use of space hoppers to get to work.
A Torchy Subject
The Olympic Electric Co. have taken offence at the 2012 Olympics Committee's insistence to the use of the existing brand name for the OEC's best-selling hand-held torch: the Olympic Torch.
All cleaned, ghostly-white
Newly-wed Sean O'Corn claims that new marital home is haunted by the ghost of a cleaner. 'It's eerie,' he says, 'I turn around, and everything's been tidied away.' Mrs. O'Corn made no comment.
Better late than never
Shelly the British entry for Olympic Snail racing team has taken the gold medal in a phenomenal finish. The team began this epic challenge back in Beijing, China, in the 2008 games.
Groovy retro-music system unearthed
Billy Booster, grandson of engineer Bertie Bandwyth, recently unearthed an early sound-system in the boot of an old Austin A40 - a record player, with a set of interchangeable jazz 78s. Groovy!"
With the continuing trend of Christmas items being available from September, Santa Claus is due to switch on the spooky lights this year at the 'North-West' mall, simultaneously setting off fireworks.
Join the club
Fizzy French golfer Jean-Luc Ozade tried to pull a fast one today when he kicked his golf-ball into Hole 18. He claimed the move acceptable since he used his clubbed foot.
Hexidecimal hits for the old micro PCs
The data-loading sounds of 1980s microcomputers have hit the download charts. Old geeks are going crazy over the 'squeal' and 'snore' of games for the BBC, CBM64, and Spectrum48. Robot rock, man!
Sea food - and eat it!
The new seafood chess game Ships Mate! has hit supermarket shelves - this is an edible version of chess with prawns replacing pawns, and muscles, winkles and cockles for knights, bishops and castles.
A girl like Maria
After years of climbing mountains, fording streams, and following every by-way Austrian nun Maria von Trapp has finally found her dream. She is now going to collect every one of her favourite things.
Game for a laugh
Camp comedian Cecil Flowerdew got a nasty shock on 'Celebrity Country Life' this week - "I told the keeper I was game," said Flowerdew, "and he whipped out his 12-bore shotgun. I had to run for it."
The Phony company have just launched the all new i-Poo which opens up like a lightweight book, and rests on one's lap while sitting on the lavatory. It is compatible with the Phony i-Shop application.
In response to the White party's declaration that the UK is overrun with 'foreigners', the Pre-Anglo-Celtic party suggested that perhaps only the direct descendants of the Beaker Folk should remain.
Hull - and back
Furniture removal man Peter Eyesore had a Narnia moment when he accidentally fell into a wardrobe in his van. His partner then drove off and Peter stepped out of the van in Humberside. What a day!
It's Only Money
The Duchy of Great Albion is to celebrate the end of its economic crisis with an almighty display of fireworks on 31st December 2012. 'We do have standards to uphold' declared a Blue party member.
Misunderstanding over multiple Boxing Day bookings
Ex-heavyweight Rocky Montayne, was set straight regarding the significance of Dec 26th by the WBF. 'I thought Boxing Day would be the best day to book up every venue in London,' claimed Montayne.
ASDFGH organisation launch protest against the QWERTY club
There has been a call for the reorganisation of all typewriter keyboards. 'The QWERTY bunch have had their own way for too long,' ASDFGH members claim. (The ZXCVBN group made no comment).
Let's Hear It for the Noise
Brian Blessed and Tom Baker are to face each other in a celebrity shouting match for charity. "I'll be starting with the famous 'To Be… or Not To Be…' speech from Hamlet," said Blessed.
Fashionable new 'Pi-jamas' released
This week, Olympus clothing company released their new range of stylish nightwear, including a pair of lightweight Greek cotton sleep-rags. They can be worn 7 hours a day for a 22-day period.
Rock star retaliates with pants stunt
Wanabee 'Tom Jones' styled Testo-popster Micky Zee whipped off his boxers and threw them at a screaming horde of female fans, yesterday. 'Take that!' he cried, and stormed off stage.
The sky's the limit
Retro micro-programmers mix jos-sticks and joysticks during marathon charity 'game in'. "The tests were cent per scent", declared Pac Man record holder.
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