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So Long, Lady O!
In a shocking turn, Michelle Obama has banned TV legend Oprah Winfrey from further White House visits. "I mean, she chased Barack's fine ass all OVER the White House!" said the First Lady.
And An Entire Nation Says ...... DUH!
CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey has announced that she has a big, honkin' crush on Barack Obama. "I just can't hide it any longer," said the TV diva. "I chased his fine ass all OVER that White House!"
CHICAGO - 3 Jews were arrested Monday for throwing knishes at the Christmas tree in Daley Plaza. The 3, of the militant group "Hanukkah Now!," were released into the custody of their lawyer sons.
... As K-Y and Astrogilde Breathe Sighs of Relief
The Gillette Company has announced that it has discontinued production of its Tiger Woods-endorsed "FORE! Play" sex lubricant, due to the recent disclosure of Woods' sub-par conduct.
Escape From Springfield
The Simpsons have left Springfield. Said patriarch Homer, "There's just too much gay-and wife bashing here to raise a family." A non-profit foundation has been set up by the city to study the issue.
Attention, Angry Homophobes
Experts have found that homophobia and wife-beating often go hand-in-hand, and seems especially pronounced in America's heartland. A non-profit foundation has been set up to study the phenomenon.
Pam Spreads Out!
Pamela Anderson has announced plans to tour the U.S. and boink one person from each state. "I've done it before, but I thought it might be funner now that I'm in my 30's," said the deluded bombshell.
Pamela Anderson has announced her new line of breast implants, "Malibu-loons." They will be available at sub-par plastic surgery clinics in L.A. and near the Mexican border beginning in 2010.
Hence The Phrase, "Lucky Turkey"
PETA supported Pamela Anderson will pardon, then sleep with a turkey for Thanksgiving. Interested turkeys may apply at her website: pamboinksaturkey.com/entryform.
Kill + Boink = Average American
The Fester Institute of Des Moines has announced that the Top Two pipe dreams of Americans are to kill their boss and to boink Pamela Anderson. Not necessarily in that order... and not only for men.
New Gitmo in Rural Illinois - Cause For Concern?
Thomson, IL, USA - Townsfolk and politicians need not worry of Al-Qaeda backlash if Guantanamo prisoners are brought to the empty prison in Thomson. Even Al-Qaeda wouldn't visit such a shithole.
Number of your friends who've had relations with a turkey carcass: 16. Number of friends arrested for it: 2. Number of friends at your Thanksgiving table: 14. I'd keep an eye on the Tom.
Papa's Got a Brand New Bag... of Germs!
THE INSTITUTE, GSTAAD - Scienticians have found that all humans, even the cute ones, are just giant bags of communicable germs and bacteria. Think about THAT the next time you play tonsil hockey!
Howie Mandel, RIP
Howie Mandel has been killed by a germ, which pretty much was his worst fear. Had he grunged it up like the rest of us and developed an immune system, he'd still be alive. And Howard Hughes, too.
Home Seat Advantage
Experts agree; 9 out of 10 of us have fallen asleep on the toilet. Which pleases plumbers no-end, as the fee to unweld an ass from a toit seat is steep. Owie owie ow!
Hell YES, It Matters!
We've been lying to you, gents. We gals can overlook baldness, bad breath, bad jokes, farting, unemployment, drunkeness & in-laws, but we draw the line at small penises. Of COURSE size matters!
Why, Yes, It's DAMN Good!
Beatleologists today announced the actual meaning of the Beatles' song, "Norwegian Wood." It isn't about the woods, pot or furniture. It was written to extoll the virtues of a good hard-on in Oslo.
Cat Lovers Unite
GSTAAD - The World Cat Lovers' Society has announced the theme for this year's conference - "Small Cats Are Nice." "After all, who doesn't like a little pussy?" said conference chief Thad Porfumo.
President Obama Blinded by Cheney Tape
President Obama today went temporarily blind after accidentally viewing the Dick Cheney sex tape in a disguised e-mail. "For God, why didn't someone WARN me?!" said Obama, from behind his Ray-Bans.
Tape Puts The Dick In Cheney
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A sex tape involving former Vice-President Dick Cheney has been unearthed. You may sign up at the website www.cheneysex.com if you never, ever, ever, ever wish to see this tape.
Karzai Has Hair-Raising Day
KABUL - In celebration of his election "win," Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai has gotten a toupee. Anyone who refers to it as an "Afghan rug" will be a disgrace to their family and also shot.
Oprah - Onob Affair Exposed
U2 frontman and political activist Bono has changed his name to Onob, so that he and secret lover Oprah can share monogrammed towels during their trysts.
The "B-O" towels just weren't makin' it.
Miley Clix in Polanski Pix
Roman Polanski has announced plans to star teen Miley Cyrus in a remake of "Rosemary's Baby," as soon as he's out of jail. Dad Billy Ray Cyrus could not comment, as he was cleaning his many shotguns.
Lady is Gaga Over Pregnancy
New York, NY - Lady Gaga has announced that she is expecting. The baby, a girl, is due in the spring and will be named Lady GooGoo.
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