Showing snippets written by Ron Smith.
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All Adults Are Paedophiles
According to the government, if you haven't paid £1000 for a CRB check, the likelihood is that you are kiddy-fiddler. Incredibly even caretakers, children's authors and priests are under suspicion!
Pope Breaks Wrist
"Not from over-masturbation", insist Vatican.
Cherie Blair Has Swine Flu
Surely that's Bovine Flu?
40 Years Ago Today
Michael Jackson performs his first moonwalk aged just 10 years old, but some believe it was faked using camera tricks and a mass global hallucination. It was 1969 and everyone was getting high. Crazy!
Jackson - Kungfudunnit!
Even though he had been dead for three weeks, David Carradine murdered Michael Jackson after a closet sex game went wrong and because Jackson said that Kung Fu was 'gay', according to Farrah Fawcett.
Afghan Rebels To Invade London
Claims a government spin-doctor. "We're not making it up this time, it's not a lie", said Alan Prik - special advisor to Gordon Brown. "If you don't believe it then you're one of them", he added.
Jackson Versus Diana - Results In Full
The misjudged ITN news item comparing Michael Jackson's funeral to Princess Diana's was pulled by TV chiefs due to public outcry. Viewers were upset that Jackson won 3-1 and demanded a re-run.
Pigs Contract Man Flu
Sows refuse to believe them, say they're exaggerating, just want to avoid clearing shed and they're boaring. In an unrelated but almost ironic incident, Spoof writer kills himself after writing this.
Stupid Englishman Found
Jamie Neale, a backpacker who got lost in the Australian outback in search of a Big Mac, survived by eating any shit he could scavenge. "I just put the crap between two baps and hey presto!", he said.
Big Down Under
An earthquake of magnitude 7.8 hit New Zealand today. No one of any interest or importance was injured or killed.
Cricket - The Ashes Comeback Team
Selectors have named a surprise team for the 2nd Test at Lords. WG Grace, Fred Trueman, CB Fry, Jack Hobbs, Wally Hammond, Brian Statham and the Hon. Stanley Jackson have all been recalled.
And President Obama Makes An Historic Visit
Large oil fields discovered in Ghana. (swap headlines - Ed)
Upset by the SWALEC Stadium in Cardiff being used as the first venue for The Ashes Test, Wales has declared war on England. After 5 days the result of the battle could be a draw, weather permitting.
Afghanistan - Operation Panther's Claw "Going Well"
According to one Taliban source
A teacher from the UK has used a simple formula to control unruly behaviour in the classroom-f=ma. A 2Kg mass used with enough acceleration creates a force large enough to render a child unconscious.
Big Word Announced
Merriam-Webster Dictionary announced today that the word fat will be changed from an adjective to a noun. From Jan 1st 2010, you will be able to say with impunity, "Look, there goes a fat!"
Princess Anne Crashes Horse
Banned from driving for being drunk in charge of a tank, Princess Anne has now crashed her horse into a castle. The Princess was badly injured, but vets say the horse is in a stable condition. Sorry!
Retiring Teacher's Fare-not-so-well
Arthur Cook, an inadequate English teacher at Millwall primary school in East London received a farewell card from his year 5 class which read, 'Dear Mr Cook, we're sorry you are living.'
Coffee 'Cure For Alzheimers'
Sees thousands of sufferers rushing to supermarkets and buying up loads of hats.
ANDY MURRAY WINS WIMBLEDON!
Some names in this headline have been changed for sensationalist tabloid effect.
Bernie Ecclestone - HITLER WAS RIGHT TO KILL JEWS - Mosley Concurs
After extolling the leadership qualities of Adolf Hitler in an interview with The Times, Formula 1 chief Bernie Ecclestone has resigned. His successor will be either Robert Mugabe or Kim Jong-il.
Wimbledon Men's Semi-Final Day - Andy Wins - Plays Roger In Final
In the second semi-final of the day, Andy put on an amazing display of stroke making and beat Andy. He will meet Roger in the final and lose.
Two dogs have died in the back of a police van in Nottinghamshire, UK - there were no witnesses
It's thought that the dogs either suffocated as a result of the windows being closed during the hot weather or that they accidentally fell down the stairs.
Science News - Other Drivers Statistically Not As Good As Me
Recent research has shown that when driving, I make the correct decision 100% of the time. Conversely, other drivers tend to make the incorrect decision 100% of the time so UP YOURS TWAT IN THE VAN!!
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