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Chinese toothpick plague!
Chinese kids have caused a dental plague in China by shooting used toothpicks with toothpick crossbows! The disease is spreading rapidly because Chinese adults cannot pick their teeth anymore!
Bees instead of sex on the backseat of your Nissan!
Coitus interruptus took on a new meaning as a swarm of honey making bees annexed the backseat of a Nissan in Hull. Normally "bees knees" sex is sweet but; making both can be a sticky experience!
May is hung without her balls!
May is not a replica of Maggie because Maggie had balls, Theresa's are hung, drawn, quartered and sucked dry by a bunch of DUP's!
Cows storm ATM in Lancashire!
No fun being a burger bun on the buses!
UK buses are banning burgers and their owners from boarding! Obese munching burger people take up too many seats and skinnies are being squeezed on to bikes! Terrible for the economy!
Beware of flying, fire-spouting Dino!
Chinese scientists have discovered Theresa May's DNA is the same as a fire-spouting, flying, dino-dragon that once ruled the planet! Well that explains everything!
France bans skinny models!
Rich and famous people attending Parisian fashion shows can now remove their earplugs! Because the sound of strutting, Rolling Bones rattling catwalks has been banned!
Jaggedone just reached 1500 spoofs and he's still alive!
Lawsuits, terrorist threats on his life, Mark Lawton's editorial clap-trap cannot keep an old spoofer down! Jaggedone reached a milestone; 1500 spoofs and still bullshitting! Now where's my cheque?
Wonder drug comes too late for Jaggedone!
Scientists have developed a drug that stops neurodegenerative brain diseases, including dementia! Who the fuck is Jaggedone???
Giant iceberg causes meltdown among global drink companies!
A giant iceberg struck the coast of Canada causing a meltdown between global drink giants. Red Bull, Coca Cola, etc, tried but to buy it, but a Scotch whisky giant called it Titanic and won the race!
Celebs should never say never!
John Cleese is the latest celeb to eat his words after crawling back to the BeeB. He will play a gay Basil Fawlty who falls in love with Manuel and divorces Sybil; promises to be a bender!
Excuses, excuses, excuses, Arsene's excuses to be published!
Arsene Wenger is to publish a book about all of his perennial loser, historical excuses! The Crystal Palace slaughterhouse proved last night how right he is; always blame the others, never yourself!
Indian monkeys much better parents than humans!
An Indian girl was discovered in a monkey family and it seems her habits are much better than children with human parents! No smartphones, no junk food, no tantrums; Monkey Business is much better!
Dutch druggist chain adopt Hitler as their flagship logo!
Now we all knew the Dutch were slightly outrageous but now the druggist chain, Kruidfart, have proved to the world what we all knew; they're a bunch of pot-smoking nutters (Not Nazis!)
German giants pull plug on Brexit Britain!
Aldi and Lidl, German giants have had enough of Brexit bullshit and closed all of their shops in the UK in a "Blitskrieg" action! Harrods, owned by Arabs, are also thinking of moving to Frankfurt!
Brazil support vegetarians by flogging rotten meat!
In a perverse manner by "killing 2 cows with 1 meat hook" Brazil are now the "Messiah" of healthy living by flogging rotting meat to the world! A genial way to make the world vegetarian!
LED's punch these lights out!
LED streetlamps cause insomnia! Yes, especially if humans forget to close their curtains, pull the blinds down, or sleep outdoors! Mind you sex under LED lamps aint bad!
Turkish Kebab restaurants in Holland go up in flames!
Dutch / Turkish diplomatic relationships have hit rock bottom, why? It's all about a "Turkish storm brewing in a Dutch teacup" Nothing more!
Spitfires, Erskine Quint & Dr Who prove Made in Britain is best!
Sublime British eccentricity will prove to the world that "Made in Britain" is still the best! Restored Spitfires, Erskine Quint and Dr Who (who?) will never crash! Mad dogs & Englishmen rule!
No sex in the UAE unless you are married!
UAE Sheikhs have forbidden sex among foreign, unmarried partners, if caught, you'll end up in prison! The Sheikhs however, have Harems in their palaces and marriage is the last thing on their minds!
Red light districts take on new meaning in Australia!
Traffic lights in Australia have now been liberated and tiny female figures will appear with their male colleagues! Transvestites and transgenders are over the moon, especially when they turn red!
Big Ben's Bong is UK Eurovision entry 2017!
UK government have allowed the Big Ben Bong to be UK's 2017 entry for Eurovision! Theresa May is confident the Bong will win and show Europeans that British is best. The bell was Made in Germany BTW!
EX-pat aliens saved by the Lord (s)!
If Theresa May had her way, ex-pats living in Europe would become unwanted aliens! Thank the Lord there are the Lords to put her to the sword and thwart her bullshit rhetoric; Amen!
Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got a dog in my tummy! Is it a sharks world!
The answer is obvious; if stupid owners let their pooch chase sticks in shark infested waters on a leash free beach in Aussie; they could end up in a Great White's belly!
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