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Scot's coffee is stronger than Italian!
Scientists have proven that Scottish coffee is stronger than Italian; aye laddie, just a wee dram!
North Korea claim second Malaysian Plane in 2014!
Kim Jong-Un has claimed a second success in 2014 ever since U Tube took the piss out of him by kidnapping one and giving Ukrainian separatists a rocket launching set to blow Malaysian plane away!
World Cup given to the Dutch!
Germany have been forced to hand over the World Cup to Holland because their ex-manager, LVG, insists that there was not one German playing and he's always right!
Dutch airliner ventures into German airspace!
A Dutch airliner was spotted flying over Germany today and survived the ordeal although they were warned about high-flying Germans flying high since they won the World Cup!
Syria call for a ceasefire!
Syria has decided to call it a day and offered their weapons to the Palestinians in an unprecedented show of Arabian solidarity. Hamas refused and declared war on the infidels; yet another one!
Heatwave melts Iceland!
An approaching heatwave melted Iceland, luckily their personnel escaped without being hit by a passing Iceberg!
Louis v Gaal fires Rooney!
Man Utd Dutch manager has fired Rooney because he earns 3 times as much and in Dutch tradition a subordinate can never earn more than the boss!
Israel claim Hamas have W'OMD
To back up their self-claimed rights to bomb the shit out of Palestinians, Israel have spotted Arabs bearing a WOMD, an 86 year old grandma was last seen flashing her bloomers at Israeli soldiers!
Rooney only gets a 3 week holiday!
England flop, Wayne Rooney, is distraught because he booked 4 weeks in a 6 star hotel in Vegas, now he only has 3 poor chap! England fans claim he has a holiday all year after his flop in Brazil!
Jimmy Saville did not have sex with the dead!
BBC DJ's claim that Jimmy Saville never had sex with the dead because they witnessed him only having sex with the new born!
Pedophile politicians blame the sixties sex revolution!
Pedophile politicians running for their lives or dead already are blaming flower power for their misdemeanours, hippy culture they say, allowed them to fiddle with anything walking on 2 legs or more!
BBC fall into summer black hole!
No news is good news so the BBC decided to headline FGM as their main news item. Hoardes of young African girls were last seen being bunged into containers heading for Sierra Leone!
Tour de France starts in UK!
As a show of 'entente cordiale' the Tour de France will start in the UK. Confused riders were last seen heading towards Scotland?
England declared hot spot!
A rare 27 degrees was recorded in London and immediately Cameron declared his beloved island a 'hot spot' while Spanish outbound flights reached record levels! Politicians are full of Cojones!
Fellaini gets boot from United!
Flop Fellaini has been given the boot by United, not a golden boot BTW, instead he received a Dutch clog in the crutch!
Suarez caught humming Liverpool hymn!
Dental surgeon Luiz Suarez was seen humming 'you'll never walk alone' Liverpool FC hymn by himself all alone while Liverpool fans, not alone, were seen jumping off the 'Ferry across the Mersey!
Barcelona bite bullet!
FC Barcelona have decided to 'bite the bullet' and pay 75 million quid for a South American lama, great deal, he spits too!
England drop Rooney!
Roy Hodgson has dropped Rooney in the shit because he's crap!
England win World Cup!
It is the first time England have won anything since 1966 and now we can all be very proud of our national heroes because it's in the bag; England finished first in the Tiddlywinks WM in Katmandu!
Gossip: Man United sign 5000 new players!
Man United are signing 5000 new players according to the gossip columns; well they certainly need them!
Polish, Indian and Pakistan, etc, immigrants rush to join Customs!
Members of other ethnic minorities living in the UK have been rushing to join the Customs Authorities because they don't like Rumanians/Bulgarians either and refuse to share a piece of the cake!
Merkel wlecomes UKIP into Europe!
Angie Merkel has welcomed UKIP into Europe with open arms because now other Europeans can call Brits Nazis instead of pointing the finger every time a Rumanian is refused asyl in Germany!
UKIP leader accepts the fact he's a top wanker!
After making huge strides in the European elections, the UKIP leader has officially declared that he's a top wanker now just like Cameron and Clegg!
UKIP bomb Romania
Lancaster bombers have been spotted over Romania, The Romanian airforce were caught with their pants down because their wives were too busy making elastic bands in Birmingham!
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