Showing snippets written by The San Francisco Onion.
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No Party for Republican
House Speaker John Boehner dismayed to find the sequester will likely slow down his liquor shipments.
No Show for the Oscars
Taking a cue from this year's Grammy awards dress code crackdown, the recently re-branded Academy Awards show will feature fully clothed Oscar statuettes.
Terrorism Strikes U.S. Economy
Obama submits more than 10,000 pages of documents, countless e-mails related to Benghazi, which will likely occupy Congress far too long for them to avoid sequestration cuts.
Pigs Still Don't Fly
Ray LaHood says sequestration will slash FAA budget, closing 100 air traffic control towers. Fortune 500 executives face 2 hour waits, cancelled meetings/conventions, life with smaller government.
Cogito ergo sum non Congressista
Pres. Obama says finding a way to avert sequestration cuts should be a "no-brainer" for Congress. That's crucial because most congressional lawmakers seem to be performing without one.
Next: Ocean Front Property in Arizona
Climate change skeptic Marco Rubio raises $100,000 for "Reclaim America" by selling plastic bottles of Polish spring water from Maine to voters who don't recycle.
Once, and for All
Rush Limbaugh says that he is officially ashamed of America "for the first time." Poll says majority have been ashamed to admit Limbaugh is an American "for a long time."
Economic Ins and Outs
Former Sen. Pete Domenici of New Mexico joins ranks of Republicans to father children outside of marriage. Hey, if their policy won't expand the middle class, at least their personal escapades will!
Aiming for the Center
Republican Joe Heck announces support for universal background checks for firearm purchases, suggests "thoughtful discussion." Background check surprisingly confirms Heck is really a Republican.
Job Creator at Work
Mitt Romney to appear at Conservative Political Action Conference next month. Big event marks return to political scene, so casting call goes out for "supporters and friends" to be bused in.
Wrong Time for Obama to Drive
40,000 motorists protesting the new Keystone Pipeline are mad at Pres. Obama because he played golf with oil execs in Florida instead of breathing their car exhaust at the Mall in Washington.
Countdown to Sequester on "Bar Time"
House Speaker John Boehner blames sequester on "Obama's flailed leadershift," then throws up on microphone. "Here's to Obama!" he shouted, finishing off another pint of rum.
A Friend of Hummus
Chuck Hagel can't get enough of that wonderful spread made from chickpeas blended with tahini, olive oil, lemon juice and garlic. In fact, he says, it is popular throughout the Middle East.
Fit to Be Tied
Rush Limbaugh suggests background checks on news media to deny mentally ill access to public airwaves. Later, surprised to find psychiatrist, two large men waiting outside studio with strait jacket.
San Francisco Onion Skin
Satire writer in "birthday suit" unable to produce identification establishing actual birth date, arrested for public indecency. It really IS my birthday: Somebody call a lawyer!
Next: Armed Guard in Every Car
Carjacking in Orange County, CA, turns to shooting spree, leaving several dead. Wayne LaPierre says having armed guard at every street intersection in U.S. could have prevented tragedy.
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: House Bill 36DD means nipple exposure in North Carolina could get you 6 months in prison.
ROBIN: Holy headlights, Batman! Anyone shot there next Gun Appreciation Day should wear a shirt!
Riding Bareback, and Front
LONE RANGER: House Bill 36DD means nipple exposure in North Carolina could get you 6 months in prison.
TONTO: Me not wear shirt sometimes. Good thing law only apply to female, Kemo Sabe!
Who was that naked masked man?
LONE RANGER: Nancy Pelosi supports a new San Francisco ban on nudity. Identified offenders will be fined $100.
TONTO: How that work? Naked people not carry identification and money, Kemo Sabe!
No Parsley, Thyme, Sage of Omaha
Warren Buffett pays $23.3 billion for Hienz food conglomerate. More bad news for consumers, who Buffett apparently expects to be eating more canned spaghetti sauce, frozen potatoes and TV dinners.
Beating the War Drums
Justin Bieber fans, angered by post-Grammy comments of Black Keys drummer, tweet death threats. Wayne LaPierre decides to follow Bieber online, hoping to find NRA recruits among fans.
Boehner, McConnell: "More Money Bad for Poor People"
For minimum wage increases, top Republicans look to example of Ronald Reagan, who kept it at $3.35 for 8 years, increasing number of Americans in poverty from 26 million to 33 million.
Japan, South Korea Ready Armies After North Korea Nuclear Test
North Koreans forced to cannibalism after tough sanctions following previous missile test ready to take a bite out of Japanese, South Korean armies.
No Punch Line Needed
At the National Wild Turkey Federation's annual show on Thursday, NRA head Wayne LaPierre will deliver a formal response to President Obama's State of the Union Address.
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