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Showing snippets written by IainB.


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Ice Bucket Challenge Conspiracy

The Catholic Church has denied rumours that the Ice Bucket Challenge is a conspiracy to secretly baptise the entire world.

written by IainB, 29 August 2014
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Restaurant needs weighty staff

Oppenheimer's Nuclear restaurant is looking for an overweight person as a new member of the serving staff. "We need a heavy waiter," said Robert, the owner.

written by IainB, 27 August 2014
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Eastbourne Pier blaze

With the destruction of another iconic pier, this time in Eastbourne, it leaves the few remaining piers to carry the visitor weight. It's hoped they can cope with the pier pressure.

written by IainB, 31 July 2014
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Brazil appeal to the UN

Brazil are to appeal to the UN claiming that Germany have hit them with a Kroos Missile.

written by IainB, 09 July 2014
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Smart Phone Delay

Samsung have announced that there will be a delay in their next generation of smart phones thanks to a reduction in the amount of phone sex going on.

written by IainB, 19 June 2014
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Adrian Chiles revelation

Adrian Chiles explains why he is so focused on cheating in football during his post match analysis. "It's cos my wife cheats on me," he said. Not really a surprise, if you think about it.

written by IainB, 16 June 2014
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It's pronounced 'Jay' not 'Hhhhh'

Britain First have demanded that the Spanish pronunciation of Fajitas and JalapeƱos be changed to pronounce the 'J' correctly, even though it makes fajitas sound like a thrush cure.

written by IainB, 10 June 2014
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Armstrong to play Dumbo.

Alexander Armstrong says that he is overjoyed that he has got the part of Dumbo in the Hammersmith Panto. "It's the ears," he said with a grin. "I don't need prosthetics."

written by IainB, 03 June 2014
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Change of tack

People with aquaphobia have asked psychologists to stop using flood therapy. "It's just not appropriate," said a spokesperson for the WHO.

written by IainB, 03 June 2014
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Sparks and Mensa new clothing

Sparks and Mensa's new clothing range, cardigans that are worn only on the back, called Bacadis, have been recalled when it was found having five of them makes the owner fall over.

written by IainB, 16 May 2014
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Boko Haram asked to change their name

Terry Reid of Procol Harum has asked Nigerian terrorist group Boko Haram to change their name. "When it's said with a Nigerian accent," he said, "it sounds too much like the band and it's confusing."

written by IainB, 13 May 2014
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Eurovision fix?

Conchita was always going to win Eurovision, they're biased towards transvestites; even their website was Eurovision.tv

written by IainB, 10 May 2014
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Operation Yew Tree - latest arrests

Roger De Coursey and Matthew Corbett have been arrested as part of the celebrity sex offenders campaign, operation Yew Tree because they've been sticking their hands up bear arses.

written by IainB, 07 May 2014
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Tom Daly refuses to dive

Tom Daly has refused to dive in the UK Championships in Workington, because it is a hard water area.

written by IainB, 07 May 2014
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Flood therapy

A therapist in Brighton has ceased using flood therapy when one client with chrometophobia walked away a very rich man.

written by IainB, 07 May 2014
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Sparks and Mensa's ironic clothes range

The latest addition to the Sparks and Mensa's Ironic Clothing range are their super skinny jeans, that start at size 22.

written by IainB, 28 April 2014
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UKIP suggests Lenny Henry should live in a 'Black Country'

UKIP members have shown their racist colours by suggesting that British comic, Lenny Henry, should live in a black country. "I live in Dudley," said Henry. "So I already do live in the Black Country."

written by IainB, 27 April 2014
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Big Banned.Theory

Under new noise abatement laws in the UK, the universe wouldn't exist. "It's that big bang," whispered Simon Lent, head of the UK Noise Abatement Society. "It was too loud, wasn't it?"

written by IainB, 11 March 2014
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Samsung's new Galaxy phone

Samsung have announced that the new Galaxy phone will be called the SV and not the S5 as it looks too much like the SS.

written by IainB, 26 February 2014
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Mika boycotts Russia on his new tour

Mika will not be touring in Russia. "I've heard it's illegal in Russia to promote right gays," he said. "Elton John's not going either."

written by IainB, 18 February 2014
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Might as well use it

The government has decided to make use of the flooding in the Somerset Levels. "We're going to grow rice," said Eric Pickles.

written by IainB, 18 February 2014
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See-through parents

When transgender people have children, they become see-through, or, as it's known in the trade a transparent.

written by IainB, 17 February 2014
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Privatise the NHS? No thanks.

If they privatise the NHS, they'll want me to pay for A&E. I'm afraid they'll get an IOU.

written by IainB, 12 February 2014
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Eric Pickles put in charge of saving London from flooding

Eric Pickles has been charged by the cabinet to protect London from flood water. To this end, he has been hollowed out and will be used as a domed roof for the capital.

written by IainB, 12 February 2014
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