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Ice Bucket Challenge Conspiracy
The Catholic Church has denied rumours that the Ice Bucket Challenge is a conspiracy to secretly baptise the entire world.
Restaurant needs weighty staff
Oppenheimer's Nuclear restaurant is looking for an overweight person as a new member of the serving staff. "We need a heavy waiter," said Robert, the owner.
Eastbourne Pier blaze
With the destruction of another iconic pier, this time in Eastbourne, it leaves the few remaining piers to carry the visitor weight. It's hoped they can cope with the pier pressure.
Brazil appeal to the UN
Brazil are to appeal to the UN claiming that Germany have hit them with a Kroos Missile.
Smart Phone Delay
Samsung have announced that there will be a delay in their next generation of smart phones thanks to a reduction in the amount of phone sex going on.
Adrian Chiles revelation
Adrian Chiles explains why he is so focused on cheating in football during his post match analysis. "It's cos my wife cheats on me," he said. Not really a surprise, if you think about it.
It's pronounced 'Jay' not 'Hhhhh'
Britain First have demanded that the Spanish pronunciation of Fajitas and Jalapeños be changed to pronounce the 'J' correctly, even though it makes fajitas sound like a thrush cure.
Armstrong to play Dumbo.
Alexander Armstrong says that he is overjoyed that he has got the part of Dumbo in the Hammersmith Panto. "It's the ears," he said with a grin. "I don't need prosthetics."
Change of tack
People with aquaphobia have asked psychologists to stop using flood therapy. "It's just not appropriate," said a spokesperson for the WHO.
Sparks and Mensa new clothing
Sparks and Mensa's new clothing range, cardigans that are worn only on the back, called Bacadis, have been recalled when it was found having five of them makes the owner fall over.
Boko Haram asked to change their name
Terry Reid of Procol Harum has asked Nigerian terrorist group Boko Haram to change their name. "When it's said with a Nigerian accent," he said, "it sounds too much like the band and it's confusing."
Conchita was always going to win Eurovision, they're biased towards transvestites; even their website was Eurovision.tv
Operation Yew Tree - latest arrests
Roger De Coursey and Matthew Corbett have been arrested as part of the celebrity sex offenders campaign, operation Yew Tree because they've been sticking their hands up bear arses.
Tom Daly refuses to dive
Tom Daly has refused to dive in the UK Championships in Workington, because it is a hard water area.
A therapist in Brighton has ceased using flood therapy when one client with chrometophobia walked away a very rich man.
Sparks and Mensa's ironic clothes range
The latest addition to the Sparks and Mensa's Ironic Clothing range are their super skinny jeans, that start at size 22.
UKIP suggests Lenny Henry should live in a 'Black Country'
UKIP members have shown their racist colours by suggesting that British comic, Lenny Henry, should live in a black country. "I live in Dudley," said Henry. "So I already do live in the Black Country."
Under new noise abatement laws in the UK, the universe wouldn't exist. "It's that big bang," whispered Simon Lent, head of the UK Noise Abatement Society. "It was too loud, wasn't it?"
Samsung's new Galaxy phone
Samsung have announced that the new Galaxy phone will be called the SV and not the S5 as it looks too much like the SS.
Mika boycotts Russia on his new tour
Mika will not be touring in Russia. "I've heard it's illegal in Russia to promote right gays," he said. "Elton John's not going either."
Might as well use it
The government has decided to make use of the flooding in the Somerset Levels. "We're going to grow rice," said Eric Pickles.
When transgender people have children, they become see-through, or, as it's known in the trade a transparent.
Privatise the NHS? No thanks.
If they privatise the NHS, they'll want me to pay for A&E. I'm afraid they'll get an IOU.
Eric Pickles put in charge of saving London from flooding
Eric Pickles has been charged by the cabinet to protect London from flood water. To this end, he has been hollowed out and will be used as a domed roof for the capital.
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