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Violent Vomiting Outbreak Hits US!
Government blames Bush and Tea Party for outbreak.
Victims shout, "It's the economy, Stupid" as savings evaporate
while Obama parties and vacations.
Oasis Bar and Grill Spared during London Fire Storm!
The iconic hangout for dissident writers was open for business after a night of riots leaving the rest of the street in ruins. Mgr. Wortham attributes good luck to Colonists..."they all had guns!"
One Good Thing!
An upbeat Nick Clegg appeared on TV today to announce that the riots are not all bad. "Thank God," he said," we finally got rid of the lay a bouts in Parliament Square, they were so scared they left!"
Cameron Considers calling up Military to Quell Riots in London!
When no one answers the phone, he is reluctantly informed that there are no more uniformed military in Britain, they were recently made redundant
during austerity cuts to maintain India aid.
Policing by Consent!
Home Secretary Theresa May appeals for calm, appearing before crowd wearing dreadlocks, and puffing on a bong! Crowd goes wild, burns Westminster Abbey to ground.
Bob Marley Honored in London!
Thousands of marchers hold silent vigilance holding candles and petro cans in London before saluting him by torching 1/2 the town and singing
"Baby,Light my fire!"
James Dyson Salutes Spoofer!
Thanks to a recent complimentary article on his vac, Billionaire Dyson sent Morse an autographed copy of the instruction manlual to replace the one that came with the machine in Polish!
Can I have a Mulligan on that?
In ironic turn about, fired Tiger Woods caddy collects $115,000 from Adam Scott blow out win. Tiger collects $58,500 for losing by 18 strokes!
Caddy also picks up 4 of Tiger's former sponsors!
Thieves in US steal man hole covers, AC units, strip power lines, brass number plates off residences. In a new low police report graves being dug up in Cleveland to remove gold teeth from the dead!
brits cancel 'friendly' football match due to lack of interest!
Fans say they'd rather kick the shit out of each other in London on new realtly show: London: Hot Summer Nights and chance to scorw new trainers or flat screen TV!
Rebekah Brooks Linked to Debbie Wasserman Schultz!
Former NOW editor and DNC chair said to both be using same hair stylist with similar results. "If you think their head looks bad, you should see them nude, it's a jungle out there" said both spouses.
Obama Taps US Oil Reserves Yet Again!
Executive Decision related to grounding of Air Force 1 forcing cancellation of upcoming Martha's Vineyard vacation due to lack of fuel.
Says riding AMTRAK to Camp David with Biden ' too dangerous!'
Baby Godiva Causes Mild Reaction in First Public Appearance!
More modest than her mother, fledgling writer appeared in Swaddling Clothes
claiming she was the result of 'immaculate conception." Proud LG denies reports saying, "she came as no surprise to me!"
Michele Backmann Denies Migraine Reports!
Does admit, however, President Obama continues to be a 'big F****g pain in the Ass" not to mention he gives her 'tremendous gas ."
5'6" Nicholas Sarkozy Deemed 'Sex Machine."
Report appears in June issue of 'Little People ' in Poll taken by Canadian 'Lady Godiva', 4'1", during her retirement tour of the Provinces saying,"I just love Poles, especially little pink ones!"
Brits Find French Aircraft Carriers Unsafe!
Reports are craft are too slow to launch planes into the wind as crew is cultivating mussels on the keel and only harvest once a month as part of 'self sustaining' EU Eating Mandate.
Despite counseling from Bill Clinton, she refuses to get on her knees and bite the bullet over husband A. Weiner.
Obama Celebrates Stimulus Recovery in N.C.!
Firm got $30M, built factory in China with 50% Chinese staff to build $50 LED lights to resell to US at 5,000% profit! Motel 6 says they'll be leaving the candle on fer ya, calls Obama a 'dim bulb'
Most Brits Say they Don't Understand Weinergate!
Probably because the EU is using so much vaseline, they don't even feel they're getting F****d much less understand US core values since they've lost theirs.
PM Dr. Dave Promises $1.2B in Foreign Medical Aid to Cure Diarrhea!
Britain is so broke they can't afford to shit in their hat, and now Dave is taking the piss giving what little they have left away! Critics say he's full of shit and hope election enema will help.
Brit Pilots Frustrated After French Training!
Said Squadron Commander Sean Hummingbird, "It's impossible...we GIVE UP!"
Obama Appoints Biden to Chair Waste Committee!
Will a Donkey stop shitting where he eats? Biden said he would be issuing a subpoena for Herbert Hoover to get to the bottom of the mess and asks congress for bigger staff, office & 10 hr. work week.
Weiner's Rehab Trip Postponed After State Dept. Places Hold on Travel!
Hillary Clinton supported Huma Weiner's contention that Thailand wasn't exactly the best place to go for sexual therapy, unless he was going to become
a 'lady boy' and go 'tits up!'
NHS Says Dragging Dead Man by Heels Not Usual Procedure!
Spokesman explains "all the wheel barrows were employed elsewhere, plus we had 9 days to go before the Wheelie Bins were due to be collected!
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