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"I Learned Everything From Freddie Truman", Claims Nuneaton Horse-Throttler
"Labi Siffre's real name is Claudius Afolabe Siffre", tweeted Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, yesterday. "Poncey twat."
Tapir Infestation Threatens Glastonbury
The hot water bottle was an Etruscan invention, claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact, yesterday. "All this talk about the wooden hot water bottles of the Ancient Greeks is nonsense", he scoffed.
I Was Peregrine Worsthorne's Gimp, Claims Eric Pickles
"The bottom has fallen out of the hot water bottle market", claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact yesterday. "It's never been the same since Denis Thatcher did that advert for electric blankets."
Fishkettles Are The New Liberace
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says: "Actually, I love Wagner, he's not as bad as he sounds. And Desmond Tutu's erotic sonnets are my absolute favourite."
Flood-Damaged Larry Grayson Jigsaw Turns Up in Ethiopian Brothel
Libran librarians should avoid old haddocks, while Cancerian goat-herds can expect an encounter with mysterious dung. Thursday is not auspicious for Sagittarian balaclava-lovers.
Jeremy Corbin Goes Commando
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil says: "I always think that Labi Siffre would be good with eels. Not as good as mashed potato, but good enough for me."
James Corden Explodes
Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha loves housework. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps me happy", he sang yesterday.
"Shirley Bassey was my favourite singer when I was younger", admitted Prince Andrew, yesterday.
Abu Qatada Appeals to Jordan
Radical cleric Abu Qatada issued a passionate appeal to Jordan yesterday. "Please, please, stop calling yourself an author", he said. "You're kidding nobody baby!"
Clement Attlee's Love Affair with the Panama Canal
Famous cook Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "It's nothing to do with a Pagan cult devoted to me", she said. "That's at Attleborough."
Sir Humphrey Davey: "Father Of The Modern Omelette"
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have two wooden knees fitted, is a big fan of Reg Varney and Doric Architecture.
Suarez Opens New "Suarez Bites" Internet Cafe
"Picasso never holidayed at Saltcoats", claimed Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile yesterday. "Max Ernst did, mind. He used to walk his zebras on the pier and play leapfrog with Mussolini and Lulu."
Vampire Bites Suarez
A rare Edwardian postcard of Rolf Harris playing leapfrog with Lord Nelson and Picasso watched by Kenneth McKellar and Margaret Thatcher on Saltcoats pier in a rainstorm has been lost from Lulu's handbag.
Tin Man And Cowardly Lion Come Out In Defence of Mrs Thatcher
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger is quite the connoisseur. "Picasso's portraits are not as bad as they look", he said yesterday, "and Moby-Dick is funnier than anything by Jeffrey Archer.
"How To Skin A Mandrill" by Reg Varney is Amazon's Top Selling Ebook Again
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact bemoaned the state of the economy yesterday. "Even Eric Pickles and Kenneth McKellar have stopped buying hot water bottles", he said.
See George Osborne And Die!
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claimed that he was the composer of Beethoven's piano sonatas yesterday. "I am the true composer", he said. "Beethoven just did the music."
'"Hughie Green Lived on Oatcakes" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Billericay eel strangler Gladys Stencil says "my dream date would be David Livingstone. Or anybody who could handle eels. I always think David Livingstone would have been good with eels."
James Corden: "Dutch Queen Isn't Proper Royalty"
A rare daguerrotype of Eric Pickles and Rolf Harris dressed as Italian partisans lynching Horatio Nelson dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier which was lost at the battle of Culloden is still missing.
"Moth Is Spitting Image of Margaret Thatcher", Claims Aberdovey Lepidopterist
Rolf Harris worked as a cleaner for Eric Pickles' fictional second home, and Horatio Nelson earned extra pocket money between wars by helping Percy Thrower in the Blue Peter garden, whereas Billy Butlin...
Bishop Weds Moleskin Trouser Heiress
A rare jigsaw of Mussolini impersonating Kenneth McKellar on Saltcoats pier has been stolen from the fictional second home of Eric Pickles.
James Corden's Head Collapses In Bespoke Tailors
A pet mandrill makes a stimulating and amusing companion for the more robust lunatic. More delicate mad people might prefer a jigsaw of Kenneth McKellar dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier.
'"Gladstone Hated Camels" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Sheer lack of water is the number one reason you hardly ever see Atlantic Cod in the Atacama Desert. That, and the fact that it's not in the Atlantic.
Missing Ombudsman Found In Tin of Mock Duck
Tuesday Evening Viewing:
21:00 Hilda Goes In
Hilda The Undercover Hippo infiltrates the Blue Peter Garden
22:00 Shakespeare In Other Languages
Othello in Mandarin Chinese starring James Corden
Arctic Roll Shortage Threatens Namibia
"Straw has always been key to me", says Prime Minister David Cameron. "When I was a child, I had a nanny made of straw. At Eton, I wore a straw boater. Now, my political career is a thing of straw."
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