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Socrates Lookalike Calls It A Day

"Mice turn me all queer", said Genghis Khan, yesterday. "It's their little stringy tails. I have to get up on my wife's shoulders if I see one in our yurt of an evening."

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Eric Pickles Launches Speak Your Weight Machine Range

Cretin Channel Highlights:

20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - Can Will.i.am out-jism Ed Sheeran?

21:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the Wakefield Pantomime Horse Racing Scam.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Walrus Interrupts Daniel O'Donnell Concert

The imaginary wife of Dorking Batchelor Dick Palmer is no trouble at all, he claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know she was there", he said.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Peter The Great Slept In Fish Tank Claims Alloa Athlete

Among the books bequeathed to the nation by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Up the Zambezi In a Coracle, Through Northern China on a Penny Farthing and Alone Among the Kalahari Hermits.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Nude Postman Scandal Rocks Vatican

"Wombats drive me crazy, man", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "A wombat is one crazy marsupial. Those cats are really gone."

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Centaur Infestation Threatens Littlehampton

A sepia photograph of James Clerk Maxwell playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has gone missing from Queen Nefertiti's umbrella stand.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Performing Crocodile Wedged In Bishop's Mitre

The Two David Livingstones aren't quite set in their new first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still deciding on the best place to put our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake", they said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Peebles Traffic Warden Killed By Falling Capybara

"I have no time for flat fish, such as plaice, skate or dabs", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil. "You can't get your hands round their throats. The flat bastards."

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Camel Stops Traffic In Salisbury

More papier-mâché busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared, this time at Chichester Opticians I. Glazer & Son. "Our customers are tripping over all these busts", said Ian Glazer yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
Rating:

Coracle Shortage Threatens Welsh Navy Bid

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil once tried to throttle a pygmy. "It was on a cheap last-minute holiday in Botswana", she said yesterday. "I was drunk and he got away."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Larry Grayson "Offered Cabinet Post By Thatcher" Claims Deal Whelkstall Attendant

"The Duke of Edinburgh ain't too bad", says Buckingham Palace lickspittle Terence Arselicker, "once you've got used to cleaning up the vomit and burying the half-eaten voles."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Jeremy Corbin Even More Unpopular Than Jeremy Corbin

His Holiness The Pope Talks About Admin Work:

"Office work? I should coco. Oy vey! All that schmutter. What are Cardinals for? Do I keep a dog and bark myself?"

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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"Hermitian Operators Ruined My Life" Claims Eastenders Star

"I hate them daddy long-legs things, they give me the creeps", says Genghis Khan. "Folk'll not believe that of a man like me, but I do have depths like everyone else."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Tim Rice's Nude Unicycle Horror

Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims to be the author of Dante's Inferno. "He wrote it all down, fair enough", he said, yesterday, "but only after I gave him the basic idea."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Piers Morgan's Owl Hell

Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with a mouse trap that can make tea. "Once I can get it to catch mice as well", he said yesterday, "I'm certain it will be a real success."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Lulu Gives Birth To Wooden Baby

Gideon Bable, Dorking inventor, has come up with a clockwork kettle that can tell the time. "When I manage to get it to boil water as well", he said yesterday, "it will be a real winner."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Eating Boiled Mice Cured My Shyness Claims Glen Hoddle

"The Duke of Edinburgh is all right", claims Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but he does leave his shrunken heads all over the place. And he's always quoting the Venerable Bede."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Mary Berry's Top Hat Fetish

More of Ghengis Khan's Phobias

"I can't abide spiders in me yurt of a night, me", claimed Ghengis Khan yesterday. "I know it's hard to believe of a man like me, but we've all got hidden depths."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Albuquerque Nun's Croquet Hoop Hoard Unearthed

More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cordon off the Snug Bar - it's full of these damned busts now", said landlord Colin Drab."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Malcolm Muggeridge Loved My Coddled Egg Suppers Claims Boy George

A sand sculpture of Sheridan Le Fanu playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jimmy Osmond's Garden Shed.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Cow Wedged in Chimney

"I wrote all Ravel's piano works", claimed Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth yesterday. "I was the real brain behind them. Ravel just did the music."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I Auditioned For Mungo Jerry Claims Archbishop

Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says of Lady Gaga: "I think she's a real picture of beauty. Unfortunately, it's a Picasso."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Quorn is the New Cod's Head and Shoulders

More Highlights from the Cretin Channel:

20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Norfolk Punch & Judy Scandal
21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - can Elton John out-jism Ed Sheeran?

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

I wrote "Land of Hope and Glory" Claims Idiot

Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact has had to abandon plans to reproduce the wooden Hot Water bottles of the Etruscans. "You can't get the wood these days", he said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Showing page 1 (of 27 pages)


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