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Abu Qatada Appeals to Jordan
Radical cleric Abu Qatada issued a passionate appeal to Jordan yesterday. "Please, please, stop calling yourself an author", he said. "You're kidding nobody baby!"
Clement Attlee's Love Affair with the Panama Canal
Famous cook Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "It's nothing to do with a Pagan cult devoted to me", she said. "That's at Attleborough."
Sir Humphrey Davey: "Father Of The Modern Omelette"
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have two wooden knees fitted, is a big fan of Reg Varney and Doric Architecture.
Suarez Opens New "Suarez Bites" Internet Cafe
"Picasso never holidayed at Saltcoats", claimed Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile yesterday. "Max Ernst did, mind. He used to walk his zebras on the pier and play leapfrog with Mussolini and Lulu."
Vampire Bites Suarez
A rare Edwardian postcard of Rolf Harris playing leapfrog with Lord Nelson and Picasso watched by Kenneth McKellar and Margaret Thatcher on Saltcoats pier in a rainstorm has been lost from Lulu's handbag.
Tin Man And Cowardly Lion Come Out In Defence of Mrs Thatcher
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger is quite the connoisseur. "Picasso's portraits are not as bad as they look", he said yesterday, "and Moby-Dick is funnier than anything by Jeffrey Archer.
"How To Skin A Mandrill" by Reg Varney is Amazon's Top Selling Ebook Again
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact bemoaned the state of the economy yesterday. "Even Eric Pickles and Kenneth McKellar have stopped buying hot water bottles", he said.
See George Osborne And Die!
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claimed that he was the composer of Beethoven's piano sonatas yesterday. "I am the true composer", he said. "Beethoven just did the music."
'"Hughie Green Lived on Oatcakes" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Billericay eel strangler Gladys Stencil says "my dream date would be David Livingstone. Or anybody who could handle eels. I always think David Livingstone would have been good with eels."
James Corden: "Dutch Queen Isn't Proper Royalty"
A rare daguerrotype of Eric Pickles and Rolf Harris dressed as Italian partisans lynching Horatio Nelson dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier which was lost at the battle of Culloden is still missing.
"Moth Is Spitting Image of Margaret Thatcher", Claims Aberdovey Lepidopterist
Rolf Harris worked as a cleaner for Eric Pickles' fictional second home, and Horatio Nelson earned extra pocket money between wars by helping Percy Thrower in the Blue Peter garden, whereas Billy Butlin...
Bishop Weds Moleskin Trouser Heiress
A rare jigsaw of Mussolini impersonating Kenneth McKellar on Saltcoats pier has been stolen from the fictional second home of Eric Pickles.
James Corden's Head Collapses In Bespoke Tailors
A pet mandrill makes a stimulating and amusing companion for the more robust lunatic. More delicate mad people might prefer a jigsaw of Kenneth McKellar dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier.
'"Gladstone Hated Camels" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Sheer lack of water is the number one reason you hardly ever see Atlantic Cod in the Atacama Desert. That, and the fact that it's not in the Atlantic.
Missing Ombudsman Found In Tin of Mock Duck
Tuesday Evening Viewing:
21:00 Hilda Goes In
Hilda The Undercover Hippo infiltrates the Blue Peter Garden
22:00 Shakespeare In Other Languages
Othello in Mandarin Chinese starring James Corden
Arctic Roll Shortage Threatens Namibia
"Straw has always been key to me", says Prime Minister David Cameron. "When I was a child, I had a nanny made of straw. At Eton, I wore a straw boater. Now, my political career is a thing of straw."
Dog Bites Suarez
A dead Archbishop makes an excellent besom-cupboard, once it has been cleaned, dried and varnished. Dead pygmies can be stuck together to form the ultimate "conversation-piece" garden fence.
Toasting Forks Are The New Hessian
The latest innovations of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable include a zinc trout funnel, a whelk sizer, a perpetual egg-whisk, a panda-repellent waistcoat for bamboo-growers, and a transparent blindfold.
Thatcher's Paddington Bear Obsession "Jeopardised UK Security" Claims Druid
Dale Winton has a pair of imaginary Japanese Swamp Warblers. Playwright Terrence Rattigan kept an imaginary Gnu at his Bermuda home. Actress Dora Bryan's imaginary eohippus herd trampled Reg Varney's
Thatcher "Sat On My Face" Claims Ely Hypocrite
A sure way to discourage unwelcome Jehovah's Witnesses is to hold nude Satanic rites in your front garden. If you have no garden, invite them in and sacrifice a naked virgin in front of them.
Moleskin Underwear "Ruined My Youth" Claims Desmond Tutu
Among the works of the late travel writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Through Yemen in a Sedan-Chair, Barefoot Across the Dornod Province of Mongolia on a Unicycle, and Traversing the Japanese Mangrove Swamps by Coracle.
Titchmarsh: "My Sado-Masochistic Will Hay Fantasies"
while Librans with Ducks Disease should steer clear of tofu. Wheelbarrows bode ill for Sagittarian postmen, and Piscean economists can expect an encounter with a rotten carp. Ovulating Leo bus-drivers cannot
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp As Johnny Depp
Tim Burton's new movie stars Johnny Depp as Tim Burton as Tim Burton as Johnny Depp as Tim Burton.
Elves Make Best Toast, Claims Rabbi
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable, famous for inventing the air-conditioned waistcoat, is currently working on a TV for budgerigars, an electronic paperweight and a virtual hangover cure.
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