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Sue Barker: My Moleskin Underwear Hell
More From The Cretin Channel
Arse Disaster 2018:
A London model shits herself, and a Salisbury business man follows through in a critical sales meeting.
Cannibal Joke "In Bad Taste"
A rare charcoal drawing of Henry Purcell and Lionel Ritchie playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Alex "Hurricane" Higgins teaches Moses to drink a yard of ale in the background has been nibbled by capybara.
I Can See Margaret Thatcher's Face Between Kim Kardashian's Buttocks, Claims Aberdeen Fuckwit
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have wooden ears fitted, is a great fan of Arthur Mullard and Hittite footwear.
Bogus Bishop Scourge Rocks Jutland
"I wrote all the novels of Charles Dickens only last year", claims Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth. "It took me ages. He was a long-winded bugger."
Carmen Miranda Obsession Ruined my Life Admits Tim Rice
The Two David Livingstones are getting there in the new semi in Burwash. "The lounge-diner is so snug now we've got the Geronimo figurines lined up along the wainscotting", said David Livingstone,m yesterday.
Trendy Dresses For Older Men
Among the recently-discovered unpublished works by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Rolling Pace Eggs With The Cherokee, Constipated In Kathmandu, and Drinking My Way Across The Sudetenland
I Lived On Paraffin When I Was Homeless, Claims Sinitta
It was in 1867 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, first broached the Western Foothills of the Nkambo-Bolo, where he discovered the Burrowing Blue-Faced Ningo Warriors, who lived on toast and worshipped Lambert Simnel.
How To Remove Candle Wax From A Goldfish
"It's a myth that Jean-Paul Sartre used to holiday here", says Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile. "Merleau-Ponty did, mind. He loved the Ten Pin Bowling. The Heideggers came every August as well, for the kippers."
Tea Plantations Are The New Bitcoin
"I lived next door to that Samuel Beckett for a bit", claims Barnsley fruiterer Ken Drastic. "He borrowed my lawnmower and I never got it back. I tried once but I couldn't get across the moat."
I Used To Drink Toyah Wilcox's Piss Claims Pre-Raphaelite
Cretin Channel Highlights:
20:00 Celebrity Jism
Can Clive of India outwank Robbie Williams?
22:00 Film Chat Review of James Corden in Pigling Bland Goes To Seed
Save on Shoe-Bills: Have Your Feet Amputated
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris has some advice on how to cope with this lingering wintry weather: "Never go out without a coat, hat and scarf", Rolf warns.
Lord Palmerston's Golliwog Collection To Be Sold Off
The crisis over the papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake has reached tipping-point at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to pile them up in the beer garden", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
Miniature Trump Figurines Flood Albanian Market
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says this of Adele: "She's got something of the quality of a Rembrandt about her. He couldn't hold a tune either."
Darlington Wildebeest Horror: One Man's Nightmare
Among the new inventions of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are: a self-righting demi-john stand, an antelope deflector, and a hessian trivet for cooling onions.
Derbyshire Vicar Ravaged by Woodworm
His Holiness The Pope on housework: "Am I a yutz? What kind of schmendrick does their own cleaning? I should schlep room to room. I got some shiksas with mops and buckets to take care of all that schmutter."
Hippo Invasion at Gatwick Grounds All Flights
The Two David Livingstones are still not quite settled in the first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still arguing about where to put the papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake, admitted David Livingstone, yesterday.
Karl Marx Ate My Great-Grandmother
"Dolphins are the coolest cats in the ocean", claims Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "They're so hip, man. You gotta dig their crazy shit."
Choreographed by Ann Widdicombe!
A Tibetan Sand Mandala depicting William Shakespeare playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Catherine of Arragon shaves her armpits in the background has been ritually dismantled too early by novice monks.
Egg Nog Is The New Zambezi
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer has not has much luck with on-line dating. "I was honest with my profile and listed my main hobbies as masturbating and wife-beating, but honesty doesn't seem to mean much these days."
Easter Should be Banned Claims Salford Moron
His Holiness The Pope is not a fan of Easter. "Easter? What do I want with Easter already? Chocolate schmocolate. And with all these giant rabbits, oy, give them a bar mitzvah and we'll never see them again."
Andrew Lloyd Webber's Nude Pogo Stick Hell
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21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off
Can Professor Brian Cox wank higher than Salman Rushdie?
22:00 Movie: Robin Hood Goes to Seed, starring James Corden
Corpse Stars in Britain's Got Talent
"and Grimaldi had an army of imaginary soldier ants, while I think it was Martin Luther who kept an imaginary tapir in his ferret cages. Or was that Roy Castle?"
James Corden To Star In Every New Film
An aquatint etching of Malcolm Muggeridge playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Hereward The Wake stares at a dish of rum babas has gone missing from David Hockney's garden shed.
Dutch Elm Disease Variant Threatens Beckhams
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artefact has had to abandon a project to reproduce the sandstone hot water bottles of the Hittites to commemorate Sir Walter Raleigh's execution. "You can't get the stone", he said yesterday.