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Thousands Of NHS Patient Files Lost

When asked if this had rested from a new cyber attack, an NHS spokesman reassured reporters that such misplacement of notes was an entirely normal, every day occurrence.

written by Swan Morrison, 16 May 2017
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Slogan Rethink As General Election Campaign Begins In Earnest

Political parties have been forced to urgently revise their election strategies on discovery that all but one party leader had chosen the same vote-winning slogan: 'I'm Not Jeremy Corbyn'.

written by Swan Morrison, 07 May 2017
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Jeremy Corbyn To Vote Conservative On 8th June

'I've been a lifelong Labour supporter,' he told reporters. 'I'd like to see a Labour government, but, with the political situation as it is just at the moment, I think I need to play safe this time.'

written by Swan Morrison, 02 May 2017
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Chuckle Brothers Decide Not To Sue Jeremy Corbyn And Tim Farron

'They're not deliberately copying our material,' said Chuckle Brothers, Barry and Paul Elliott, magnanimously. 'It's not their fault that the public keep mistaking them for us.'

written by Swan Morrison, 02 May 2017
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Jeremy Corbyn Promises Paradise On Earth If Elected

'There will be no more wars,' he told the last remaining Labour voters. 'Peace, joy and love will prevail for all eternity. Dianne Abbott intended to announce this today,' he added, 'but she forgot.'

written by Swan Morrison, 02 May 2017
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Jeremy Corbyn Welcomes Election

'He's had to say that he welcomes an election,' said someone living in the real world. 'I wonder if Theresa will force turkeys into saying they welcome Christmas.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 April 2017
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Tesco Apologise For Booze Ad: 'Great Offers On Beer And Cider. Good Friday Just Got Better'

'We're now working on our Christmas campaign,' said a Tesco spokesman. 'What do you think of: It's Boozemas. Come to Tesco for mangers full of cheap hooch?'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 April 2017
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US President Decrees That All American College Graduates Be Stripped Of Their Citizenship

'We realise this is irrational,' said an apologist for Donald Trump, 'but those who voted for him are frightened by this group, and the President must be seen to take action.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 January 2017
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US President Decrees That A Roof Be Built Over The US To Prevent US Citizens Being Abducted By Extra-Terrestrials

'We realise this is irrational,' said an apologist for Donald Trump, 'but those who voted for him are frightened by this group, and the President must be seen to take action.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 January 2017
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US President Decrees That The Underside Of All US Bridges Be Checked For Hungry Trolls

'We realise this is irrational,' said an apologist for Donald Trump, 'but those who voted for him are frightened by this group, and the President must be seen to take action.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 January 2017
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US President Decrees That Suspected Witches In The US Be Arrested

'We realise this is irrational,' said an apologist for Donald Trump, 'but those who voted for him are frightened by this group, and the President must be seen to take action.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 January 2017
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Dorset Wildlife Trust Asks Public To Name New Marine Conservation Zone Off Bournemouth Coast

'The current most popular name amongst the public is "MarineConservationZoney McMarineConservationZoneface"' admitted a Dorset Wildlife Trust spokesman.

written by Swan Morrison, 15 January 2017
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More 20th Century Celebrities Die

With the passing of Peter Sarstedt, Lord Snowdon and William Peter Blatty in 2017, experts have calculated that within four years no celebrities will remain who anyone over sixty has ever heard of.

written by Swan Morrison, 13 January 2017
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UK Trade Unions Vow To Bring Britain To A Standstill

At today's press conference, representatives of UK trade unions were asked why on earth they were behaving like this. 'We don't know,' a spokesman admitted. 'We haven't thought it through that far.'

written by Swan Morrison, 26 December 2016
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Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Sinking Of Titanic

'It appears that the captain held a referendum among the passengers about which course to steer,' revealed a maritime historian. 'Fifty-two percent voted to point the ship at an iceberg.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 December 2016
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Trump Plans To Cancel Boeing Order For New Air Force One

'If I had that plane, I could start a nuclear war at 30,000 feet,' tweeted Donald Trump. 'But, hell, I can start a nuclear war from anywhere I want at any time - you just wait and see!'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 December 2016
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Donald Trump Receives Duke Of Edinburg's Award For Attitude To China

'This isn't the outward bound award,' said a spokesman. 'It's the one for insulting foreigners. He got bronze in the slitty-eye category. Just nine more nations to offend for gold - he'll get there!'

written by Swan Morrison, 04 December 2016
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Government Deny That Photographed 'Have Cake And Eat It' Note Referred To Brexit Strategy

'Mark Field's aide, Julia Dockerill, was simply pondering on her elevenses,' said a Downing Street spokesman. 'The notes later refer to her plans to stuff her face with crisps and chocolate.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 November 2016
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New Word 'Trexit' Enters The English Language

'The word Trexit,' explained an Oxford English Dictionary spokesman, 'allows half the British population to whinge about Brexit and Trump simultaneously and hence bore everyone else half as much.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 November 2016
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Polling Organisations Predict Huge Upsurge In Unemployed Pollsters

'I guess they could finally be right about that one,' agreed a number of Brexit and Trump supporters.

written by Swan Morrison, 09 November 2016
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Shoppers Complain About Shortages Of Christmas Stock

'Don't forget that it's November,' said a retail spokesman. 'Christmas stock is giving way to our product ranges for Easter.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 November 2016
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US Elections - British Public Lose Will To Live

'We don't care who wins anymore,' said a typical Brit. 'We just want to open a newspaper without seeing the words: "Clinton" or "Trump".'

written by Swan Morrison, 02 November 2016
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Royal Air Force Consults Cyclists On Design Of New Stealth Fighters

'British cyclist in twilight and at night achieve levels of invisibility of which we can only dream,' said an RAF spokesman. 'We want to learn how it's done for design of our new stealth fighters.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 November 2016
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FIFA Rejects Request From England And Scotland For Players To Wear Poppy Armbands On Armistice Day

'We made them a very good offer,' said a FIFA spokesman. 'We only asked for 40% of the poppy appeal profits in return - plus, of course, the usual back-handers.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 November 2016
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