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Tories Apologise To Mental Health Organisations Over Use Of Stigmatising Language
'Our activists should not be described as "mad, swivel-eyed loons",' said a spokesman, 'but rather as people with severe mental health problems who experience ocular complications.'
Retirement 'Harmful To Health' Says The Institute For Economic Affairs (IEA)
'Also, poverty is healthy, but voting UKIP causes fatal illnesses,' said Mark Littlewood, IEA Director. 'The IEA is independent,' he added, 'we never manipulate public opinion to government agendas.'
David Cameron Defects To The Liberal Democrats
'I am sick of dogmatic, inflexible, self-serving, right wing views in the Conservative party that are out of touch with the electorate and reality,' he told reporters. 'I agree with Nick.'
Prince Charles Visits Amsterdam for Abdication Of Queen Beatrix And Enthronement Of Her Son
'I'm looking upon it as a fact-finding tour,' said the Prince of Wales. 'I want to find out how Willem-Alexander persuaded her to go. It could be a good model for some other monarchies.'
Theresa May To Suspend UK Murder Law For Thirty Seconds
'This will allow me time to shoot Abu Qatada,' the Home Secretary told Parliament. 'The exact time of suspension will be kept secret to prevent others from treating an inconvenient law with contempt.'
Big Ben To Be Silent For Baroness Thatcher's Funeral
'The chimes of Big Ben will be silenced for the duration of Baroness Thatcher's funeral,' said a government spokesman, 'although before and after it will be going "Ding Dong".'
Mother Of Kim Jong Un Expresses Her View On The Supreme Leader Of North Korea
'He's not the Messiah,' she shouted from a first floor window to a crowd of chanting, adoring followers in the street below, 'he's a very naughty boy!'
Mystery Meat In Takeaway Could Be Dog, Fear Experts
'The species in meat products is irrelevant. It's traceability and quality that's important,' said the restaurant owner. 'That curry included Fido from next door. He was healthy and fit to consume.'
Judge Justifies Leniency Of Jail Sentences For Chris Huhne And Vicky Pryce
'A term of eight months may seem lenient,' said the judge. 'However, I have ordered that they share a cell. That will make it feel to them like eight years and provide entertainment for prison staff.'
'EU Politics Undermining Satire', Complain Humourists
'Events in Greece, Italy and other European countries are more bizarre than anything we can invent,' said a spokesman for the Society of Satirists. 'Each insane idea we have gets topped by real life.'
MP Resigns Over Breathing Incident
'When accused of breathing, he instinctively denied it and arranged an illegal cover-up,' said a party spokesman. 'Breathing, of course, is OK. As usual, the unnecessary lies led to the resignation.'
Massive Oversupply Of Horsemeat Jokes Causes Storage Problem For EU
'Hugely more horsemeat jokes have now been produced than can currently be used,' said an EU spokesman. 'New output will be stored in the EU Horsemeat-joke Mountain for use in future equine crises.'
Richard Dawkins Surprised At Resignations Of Church Leaders
'First it was the Archbishop of Canterbury, now it's the Pope,' said Professor Dawkins. 'I never expected my books to convince such senior Christians that there is no God.'
Master Of Fox Hounds Slams Tactics Of Hunt Protestors
'The irresponsible yobs kept chanting Findus, just to frighten the horses,' complained the Hunt Master.
Proposed Route For The High-Speed Train Network Linking Birmingham To Manchester And Leeds Will Stop At Five Stations
'This is ridiculous,' said a spokesman for the train designers. 'Stopping the train will undermine all our efforts to minimise the journey time.'
Dove Returns To Somerset Village With An Olive Branch In Its Beak
'This is indeed joyous news,' said one resident. 'It means that dry land may be just beyond the horizon.'
Church Of England Accepts Gay Male Bishops If They Commit To Remaining Celibate
'We will also accept women bishops if they commit to a sex change,' confirmed a spokesman for the General Synod. 'After all, we don't want to appear medieval in our thinking.'
Underfunded UK Sports To Merge In Quest For Rio Gold
'Training for the new Olympic sport of table-volley-basket-hand-wrestling will commence as soon as the new rules are clarified,' said a spokesman for the sport's newly formed governing body.
Argentina Furious As Disputed Antarctic Territory Renamed 'Queen Elizabeth Land'
'We have every right to rename that area,' said UK Foreign Secretary, William Hague, 'in the same way that we have renamed the Upyoursargentina Islands, previously known as the Falklands.'
NASA Correctly Predicts The Non-End Of The World
Thousands of New Age believers converged on Cape Canaveral today to worship the rockets and lay offerings on the launch pads. 'They're still missing the point,' said a NASA spokeswoman.
Rowan Williams Speaks About The Eternal Mystery Of The Christmas Story
'It is something that believers accept on faith,' said the Archbishop. 'It will, of course, remain an eternal mystery as to what Andrew Mitchell really said to police at the gates of Downing Street.'
Shops Relying On Aftermath Of Mayan Apocalypse
'Consumer spending is down as we approach Christmas,' confirmed a Retail Association spokesman. 'However, we expect an upturn on the 22nd from panic Christmas buying by ex-Mayan apocalypse believers.'
Conservative Central Office Supports Andrew Mitchell
'Andrew Mitchell meant no offence,' said a Party spokesman. 'The word "Pleb" derives from Latin. He honestly believed that those state school Neanderthals would never understand what he was saying.'
Vladimir Umanets Arrested After Writing On Painting At London's Tate Modern
'I was only improving the Rothko,' he explained, while being taken away by police. 'For my next work, I've always thought that one of those curly moustaches would look rather good on the Mona Lisa.'
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