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Chief Executive Of NewsCorp Accuses Google Of Cynical Management

Chief Executive of NewsCorp, Robert Johnson, believes that Google cynically uses its influence to disadvantage other news providers. 'Believe us,' said Mr Johnson, 'we are experts on this subject.'

written by Swan Morrison, 20 September 2014
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Police Make Six Arrests After Separating Groups Of Skirmishing Unionist And independence Supporters In Glasgow

'The referendum has clearly honed the Scots' organisational skills,' said an observer. 'It's less than 24 hours after the vote, yet Glaswegians have already formed rival gangs and started fights.'

written by Swan Morrison, 20 September 2014
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Scottish Referendum Highlights Lack Of People In Scotland

'I was astounded,' said a typical Englishman, 'that the population of Scotland numbers less than 70% of the population of Greater London. What was all the fuss about? There's hardly anyone there.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 September 2014
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Plymouth University Has Agreed To Spend £150,000 On Seven Chairs For Graduation Ceremonies

'Some of the cost,' said Professor David Coslett, deputy vice chancellor, 'will pay for a PR consultant to try to avoid us looking ridiculous in these days of austerity and rising tuition fees.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 September 2014
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September 19th Is 'International Talk Like A Pirate Day'

People throughout the world are being encouraged to use expressions such a 'Ahoy matey' and 'We're from Mogadishu, and we're taking control of this oil tanker.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 September 2014
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Scottish Businesses Try To Sound Upbeat About A Possible 'Yes' Vote

'Independence could be good for Scotland,' said a spokesman for Scottish Industry, 'as long as the border could be moved closer to Thurso.'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 September 2014
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Protests At News That Just 3% of England's GCSE Papers Will Be Awarded The New Ultra-high Grade From 2017

'This is just another example of the exam system discriminating against the not-so-bright,' said a spokesman for the 'high grades for all' campaign.

written by Swan Morrison, 12 September 2014
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Dawlish Mud And Straw House Collapses

A traditionally built house of compacted mud and straw has collapsed in a Devon town. The three pigs who own the property have blamed a big bad wolf. 'We'll use bricks next time,' they resolved.

written by Swan Morrison, 10 September 2014
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'Inverted Penis' Hailed As The Next London High Rise Structure Sensation

A penis with twelve scrotums on top is joining the Shard, Walkie Talkie and Cheesegrater on London's skyline. 'It expresses,' said its designer, 'the bollocks shaping London's new architecture.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 July 2014
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Astronomers Close To Confirming Big Bang Theory

'We are examining microwaves produced at the time of the Big Bang that are now arriving on Earth,' confirmed Professor Brian Cox. 'We now await the predicted arrival of fridges and washing machines.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 March 2014
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Relief As Asda Confirms That Ukraine Crisis Will Not Affect Chicken Kiev Supplies

'Chicken Kievs need not originate in Kiev,' said a spokesman. 'Cornish Pasties all come from Cornwall, whereas Kievs, like Scotch Eggs, can be made anywhere. They are unaffected by Putin's invasion.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 March 2014
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Poundland To Float On London Stock Exchange

When asked about the proposed share price a Poundland spokesman gave an exasperated gasp, shook his head and walked away, as if the BBC interviewer was a complete idiot.

written by Swan Morrison, 18 February 2014
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Environment Agency To Oppose Gay Marriage Says Its Chair, Lord Smith

'We think David Silvester's view is daft about the current floods being God's judgement on gay marriage,' said Lord Smith, 'but with no end to this weather in sight, we're prepared to try anything.'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 February 2014
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Why Must We Stand In Wind, Water And Sewage To Report The Weather? Ask TV Reporters

'I'm sick of standing in sewage filled rivers in gale force winds,' said one windswept and sodden TV news reporter. 'Why can't we report from the studio, or at least from a shelter on high ground?'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 February 2014
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Evidence Of A Primitive Human-like Species Found In Norfolk, Confirm Archaeologists

Archaeologists have been quick to clarify that their announcement refers to 800,000 year old fossilised footprints found on the shore at Happisburgh, and not to current residents of the County.

written by Swan Morrison, 07 February 2014
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Councils Must Hold Referendum For Council Tax Increases Above 2%

'We are proposing a public referendum on a council tax rise of 4.75%,' said a representative of Brighton's Green Party-led council. 'We also plan to consult turkeys on the subject of Christmas.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 February 2014
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Government Pledges To Act As Cornwall Cut Off By Storms

'It was when the supply of pasties was disrupted to the MPs restaurant at Westminster,' said a government spokesman, 'that we realised we should take the West Country flooding seriously.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 February 2014
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UKIP Councillor, David Silvester, Confirms That Recent Storms Are God's Judgement On Legalising Gay Marriage

Nigel Farage was reported to be sobbing inconsolably while screaming: 'Oh F**k, not another one!'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2014
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UKIP Councillor, David Silvester, Confirms That Recent Storms Are God's Judgement On Legalising Gay Marriage

'Many innocent people died, and misery has been caused to millions,' said the Archbishop of Canterbury. 'This is terrorism by God! I've left the faith, and I urge decent Christians to do likewise.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2014
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Gatwick Airport Boss Apologises Over Christmas Eve Chaos

'The airport's poor performance was all due to chaos,' he told reporters. 'Chaos Theory confirms that all that bloody weather was caused by butterflies flapping their wings in Australia.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 January 2014
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Amsterdam Alcoholics Paid In Beer For Collecting Litter

'Many of the English middle-classes are paid in the same way,' said a spokesman for the CBI. 'It's just that they're given the money first, so they can choose their type of alcohol.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 January 2014
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UK Regulators To Launch Formal Investigation Of Co-op Bank

Investors are invited to make a well-known phrase or saying from the words: Stable, The, Closing, Bolted, The, After, Horse, Has and Door.

written by Swan Morrison, 06 January 2014
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Pensioners Delighted At Cameron's Pension Pledge

'It's great news,' said a typical pensioner. 'We now need an anti-whinging law to shut those younger workers up.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 January 2014
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England To Abandon Cricket

'It's been a great four hundred years,' said England captain, Alastair Cook, 'but you've got to know when it's time to quit! I'm trying cycling, and the rest of team are learning other new sports.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 December 2013
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