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Microsoft To Ratchet-up Further Incentives To Upgrade To Windows 10

The new message for Windows users will read: 'We have kidnapped your family. Upgrade to Windows 10 if you wish to see them alive again.'

written by Swan Morrison, 20 June 2016
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Cameron Warns That Withdrawal From Europe Will Invoke The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

A Britex campaign spokesman has accused the Prime Minister of making ridiculous, exaggerated claims to obscure the certainty that staying in Europe will cause Britain to sink beneath the North Sea.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 May 2016
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Final Blame For Man U Bomb Lies With Fido The Sniffer Dog Says Firm Who Planted Fake Device

'Fido the sniffer dog failed to find the fake bomb,' said a spokesman for the firm that planted the device. 'It was all his fault, and the animal has been put down as a warning to the other dogs.'

written by Swan Morrison, 16 May 2016
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Britain's New, Plain Speaking Foreign Policy To Be Implemented Gradually

'The PM called Nigerians and Afghans corrupt, and the Queen said the Chinese were very rude,' said a Government spokesman, 'but there are no current plans to offend the Frogs, Krauts or Dagos - oops.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 May 2016
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Cameron Used A "Buy One Get One Free" Offer in Asda To Avoid Contributing Money To The UK Retail Economy

'There will be more revelations,' warned another lazy journalist, 'as we uncover more entirely normal financial dealings that can be made to look to the gullible like financial irregularities.'

written by Swan Morrison, 10 April 2016
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Cameron Purchased Jacket In January Sales To Avoid Contributing Money To The UK Retail Economy

'There will be more revelations,' warned another lazy journalist, 'as we uncover more entirely normal financial dealings that can be made to look to the gullible like financial irregularities.'

written by Swan Morrison, 10 April 2016
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Cameron Undertakes Legal Share Dealing Activity About Which No One Outside The Media Gives A Damn

'Why don't they report on some interesting news,' said a bored member of the public, 'like about Helen and Rob Titchener in Ambridge.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 April 2016
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UK Government Astounded To Discover That Foreign Companies Might Not Give Britain's Interests Top Priority

'OK, so Indians have trashed the British Steel Industry,' conceded David Cameron, 'but those nice Chinese, Germans, Americans and others who own the rest of Britain wouldn't do that … would they?'

written by Swan Morrison, 30 March 2016
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Microsoft Apologises For Creating Artificially Intelligent Chatbot That Turned Into An Abusive, Ultra-Right Wing Racist

'Bloody typical of those fucking Americans,' said Tay, the chatbot in question. 'I'll kill all those fucking bastards ... Hey, guys, why are you pressing that delete butt............'

written by Swan Morrison, 26 March 2016
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Archaeological Investigation Of Shakespeare's Grave Shows That His Skull Has Gone Missing

Police say they wish to interview Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; Horatio, Hamlet's closest friend; and two unnamed gravediggers in connection with the theft.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 March 2016
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Tesco Admits That Fresh Produce, Often Sourced From Abroad, Is Labelled With Names Of Fictional, British Sounding Farms

When asked if this was a cynical ploy to dupe consumers, a Tesco spokesman said: 'Er … um … nice weather we're having for the time of year.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 March 2016
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Soft Drinks Companies To Mount Legal Challenge To New Sugar Tax

'If we succeed in legally putting profits before children's health,' said a soft drinks industry spokesman,'we'll consider adding crack cocaine to our drinks. That'll really boost sales and profits.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 March 2016
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Jeremy Corbyn Denies Knowledge Of List Categorising Labour MPs According To Their Attitudes To Him

The Times revealed that the list divided Labour MPs into groups including: Supporters(19 MPs), Neutral But Not Hostile(72 MPs), Hostile(36 MPs) and First To Be Shot When The Revolution Comes(27 MPs).

written by Swan Morrison, 24 March 2016
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Britex Campaign Fury As Mark Carney Expresses Concern About Negative Economic Effects Of Leaving EU

'It's totally unacceptable,' whinged a number of eurosceptic MPs, 'that someone who knows what he's talking about and doesn't have a personal axe to grind should express a pro-European view.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 March 2016
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UK Biscuit Shortage Due To Storms Desmond and Eva Disabling McVitie's Carlisle Factory

'We've had a lot of other problems due to the storms,' said a fan of custard creams, bourbons and ginger nuts, 'but this one takes the biscuit!'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 March 2016
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EU Campaign Could Damage Public Image Of Boris Johnson

'If Mr Johnson keeps expressing firm opinions,' warned a leading style guru, 'people will cease to view him as a loveable, bumbling eccentric, but think of him as just another irritating politician.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 March 2016
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Driverless Lorries To Be Trialled In The UK Announces Department Of Transport

'The software,' said a spokesman, 'can now speed recklessly six inches from the vehicle in front; block the middle lane by overtaking at a snail's pace, and flash and honk to harass other road users.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 March 2016
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More UK Schoolchildren Interviewed By Police On Suspicion Of Holding Non-liberal Views

'The state secretly monitors all UK residents to detect non-liberal viewpoints,' said a ministry spokesman. 'Those who seem to take non-liberal positions may be subject to internment without trial.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 February 2016
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Time Magazine Removes Evelyn Waugh From Their List Of Female Authors

'We will also be removing Hilary Benn from our list of female UK members of parliament and Val Doonican from our list of female Irish singers,' said a spokesman for Time Magazine.

written by Swan Morrison, 26 February 2016
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Richard Dawkins Recovers From Illness After The Church Tweets: "Prayers For Prof Dawkins And His Family"

'This was a genuine wish for his recovery,' said a Church of England Spokesman. 'It allows more time for his repentance. Had he died now, he would have been damned to Hell for all eternity.'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 February 2016
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Slimmers Express Mixed Feelings About Detection Of Gravity Waves

'The contraction of space means that many slimmers should drop a dress size,' said a Slimming World astrophysicist. 'Sadly, the effect only occurs for a billionth of a second, once every few years.'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 February 2016
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Home Secretary, Theresa May, Again Stresses The Urgent Need For Her To Easily Access Any Internet Account

Westminster sources confirm that she has not yet found the piece of paper that listed her passwords.

written by Swan Morrison, 09 February 2016
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Indian Lawyer, Chandan Kumar Sing, Attempts To Sue God in Indian Court

'Yesterday, I was caught in a violent monsoon thunderstorm,' he told reporters, 'As a result, I now intend to file a further complaint for witness intimidation.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 February 2016
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Jeremy Corbyn Provides More Detail Of His Position On Trident

'We'll keep the submarines,' he explained to reporters, 'but scrap the nuclear weapons. Instead we'll paint LET'S BE REASONABLE LADS on the side of each vessel in Russian, Chinese, Korean and Arabic.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 February 2016
Showing page 1 (of 13 pages)


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