Showing:

Showing snippets written by Swan Morrison.


Show all snippets.

Showing page 1 (of 10 pages)
Rating:

Astronomers Close To Confirming Big Bang Theory

'We are examining microwaves produced at the time of the Big Bang that are now arriving on Earth,' confirmed Professor Brian Cox. 'We now await the predicted arrival of fridges and washing machines.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 March 2014
Rating:

Relief As Asda Confirms That Ukraine Crisis Will Not Affect Chicken Kiev Supplies

'Chicken Kievs need not originate in Kiev,' said a spokesman. 'Cornish Pasties all come from Cornwall, whereas Kievs, like Scotch Eggs, can be made anywhere. They are unaffected by Putin's invasion.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 March 2014
Rating:

Poundland To Float On London Stock Exchange

When asked about the proposed share price a Poundland spokesman gave an exasperated gasp, shook his head and walked away, as if the BBC interviewer was a complete idiot.

written by Swan Morrison, 18 February 2014
Rating:

Environment Agency To Oppose Gay Marriage Says Its Chair, Lord Smith

'We think David Silvester's view is daft about the current floods being God's judgement on gay marriage,' said Lord Smith, 'but with no end to this weather in sight, we're prepared to try anything.'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 February 2014
Rating:

Why Must We Stand In Wind, Water And Sewage To Report The Weather? Ask TV Reporters

'I'm sick of standing in sewage filled rivers in gale force winds,' said one windswept and sodden TV news reporter. 'Why can't we report from the studio, or at least from a shelter on high ground?'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 February 2014
Rating:

Evidence Of A Primitive Human-like Species Found In Norfolk, Confirm Archaeologists

Archaeologists have been quick to clarify that their announcement refers to 800,000 year old fossilised footprints found on the shore at Happisburgh, and not to current residents of the County.

written by Swan Morrison, 07 February 2014
Rating:

Councils Must Hold Referendum For Council Tax Increases Above 2%

'We are proposing a public referendum on a council tax rise of 4.75%,' said a representative of Brighton's Green Party-led council. 'We also plan to consult turkeys on the subject of Christmas.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 February 2014
Rating:

Government Pledges To Act As Cornwall Cut Off By Storms

'It was when the supply of pasties was disrupted to the MPs restaurant at Westminster,' said a government spokesman, 'that we realised we should take the West Country flooding seriously.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 February 2014
Rating:

UKIP Councillor, David Silvester, Confirms That Recent Storms Are God's Judgement On Legalising Gay Marriage

Nigel Farage was reported to be sobbing inconsolably while screaming: 'Oh F**k, not another one!'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2014
Rating:

UKIP Councillor, David Silvester, Confirms That Recent Storms Are God's Judgement On Legalising Gay Marriage

'Many innocent people died, and misery has been caused to millions,' said the Archbishop of Canterbury. 'This is terrorism by God! I've left the faith, and I urge decent Christians to do likewise.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2014
Rating:

Gatwick Airport Boss Apologises Over Christmas Eve Chaos

'The airport's poor performance was all due to chaos,' he told reporters. 'Chaos Theory confirms that all that bloody weather was caused by butterflies flapping their wings in Australia.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 January 2014
Rating:

Amsterdam Alcoholics Paid In Beer For Collecting Litter

'Many of the English middle-classes are paid in the same way,' said a spokesman for the CBI. 'It's just that they're given the money first, so they can choose their type of alcohol.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 January 2014
Rating:

UK Regulators To Launch Formal Investigation Of Co-op Bank

Investors are invited to make a well-known phrase or saying from the words: Stable, The, Closing, Bolted, The, After, Horse, Has and Door.

written by Swan Morrison, 06 January 2014
Rating:

Pensioners Delighted At Cameron's Pension Pledge

'It's great news,' said a typical pensioner. 'We now need an anti-whinging law to shut those younger workers up.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 January 2014
Rating:

England To Abandon Cricket

'It's been a great four hundred years,' said England captain, Alastair Cook, 'but you've got to know when it's time to quit! I'm trying cycling, and the rest of team are learning other new sports.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 December 2013
Rating:

Southern English Middle-Classes Furious About Disruption Caused By Storms

'I'm appalled,' said one Surrey resident. 'No power, no trains and my garden table blew over! This sort of thing happens to Filipinos and Scotsman, not to the middle-classes in the Home Counties.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 December 2013
Rating:

Van Gogh Museum In Amsterdam Updates Catalogue For Today's Visitors

'The numerous Van Gogh self-portraits in the museum,' announced the curator, 'will in future be listed as "selfies."'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Rating:

Archbishop of Canterbury Accepts Pope's Challenge For Anglicans vs Catholics Cricket Match At Lord's In 2014

'To ensure complete impartiality,' said spokesmen for both Churches, 'we will be asking Richard Dawkins to umpire.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Rating:

English Heritage Describes Winter Solstice At Stonehenge As A 'Success'

'The sun rose, as expected, at 08.06 AM,' said an English Heritage spokeswoman. 'I think lots of people would have been very disappointed had it not.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Rating:

Tenant Anger As London Council Sends 'Insulting' Christmas Card Telling Them Not To Booze Away The Rent Money

'If this is successful,' said a spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council, 'we might send Easter cards telling them to sit up straight at the dinner table and not talk with their mouths full.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 December 2013
Rating:

BBC's Stargazing Live Returns On 7th January 2014

Brian Cox and Dara O Briain will describe the wonderful sights that can be seen in the night sky. They will then go out into the rain and apologise to viewers about the blanket cloud cover.

written by Swan Morrison, 15 December 2013
Rating:

Nigella Lawson Accused Of Lying In Court

'The cooking time of that cake in your book was clearly untrue,' said the judge. 'That's why it was burnt around the edges when I took it out of the oven.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 December 2013
Rating:

Bots Now Account For Most Website Traffic

'If a real person happens to read your headline,' said a researcher, 'invite him or her to join the other twenty known, human web users at the Rose and Crown in Putney on Tuesday night.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 December 2013
Rating:

James Bond Drinks Four Times The Recommended Maximum Daily Alcohol Intake, Calculate Doctors

'Many 007 buffs conclude that Bond was born around 1920,' countered an alcohol industry spokesman. 'That puts him in his mid-nineties and still saving the world,so booze is clearly doing him no harm.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 December 2013
Showing page 1 (of 10 pages)


Send To A Friend

Send this site to a friend!

Friend's Email:

Your Name:

What's 1 plus 2?

8 3 25 14

RSS & Feeds

The Spoof is proud to present all its stories as RSS Feeds.

More Info...


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 3?

1 25 4 15

Go to top ^