Showing snippets written by Swan Morrison.

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Showing page 1 (of 14 pages)

Dorset Wildlife Trust Asks Public To Name New Marine Conservation Zone Off Bournemouth Coast

'The current most popular name amongst the public is "MarineConservationZoney McMarineConservationZoneface"' admitted a Dorset Wildlife Trust spokesman.

written by Swan Morrison, 15 January 2017

More 20th Century Celebrities Die

With the passing of Peter Sarstedt, Lord Snowdon and William Peter Blatty in 2017, experts have calculated that within four years no celebrities will remain who anyone over sixty has ever heard of.

written by Swan Morrison, 13 January 2017

UK Trade Unions Vow To Bring Britain To A Standstill

At today's press conference, representatives of UK trade unions were asked why on earth they were behaving like this. 'We don't know,' a spokesman admitted. 'We haven't thought it through that far.'

written by Swan Morrison, 26 December 2016

Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Sinking Of Titanic

'It appears that the captain held a referendum among the passengers about which course to steer,' revealed a maritime historian. 'Fifty-two percent voted to point the ship at an iceberg.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 December 2016

Trump Plans To Cancel Boeing Order For New Air Force One

'If I had that plane, I could start a nuclear war at 30,000 feet,' tweeted Donald Trump. 'But, hell, I can start a nuclear war from anywhere I want at any time - you just wait and see!'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 December 2016

Donald Trump Receives Duke Of Edinburg's Award For Attitude To China

'This isn't the outward bound award,' said a spokesman. 'It's the one for insulting foreigners. He got bronze in the slitty-eye category. Just nine more nations to offend for gold - he'll get there!'

written by Swan Morrison, 04 December 2016

Government Deny That Photographed 'Have Cake And Eat It' Note Referred To Brexit Strategy

'Mark Field's aide, Julia Dockerill, was simply pondering on her elevenses,' said a Downing Street spokesman. 'The notes later refer to her plans to stuff her face with crisps and chocolate.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 November 2016

New Word 'Trexit' Enters The English Language

'The word Trexit,' explained an Oxford English Dictionary spokesman, 'allows half the British population to whinge about Brexit and Trump simultaneously and hence bore everyone else half as much.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 November 2016

Polling Organisations Predict Huge Upsurge In Unemployed Pollsters

'I guess they could finally be right about that one,' agreed a number of Brexit and Trump supporters.

written by Swan Morrison, 09 November 2016

Shoppers Complain About Shortages Of Christmas Stock

'Don't forget that it's November,' said a retail spokesman. 'Christmas stock is giving way to our product ranges for Easter.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 November 2016

US Elections - British Public Lose Will To Live

'We don't care who wins anymore,' said a typical Brit. 'We just want to open a newspaper without seeing the words: "Clinton" or "Trump".'

written by Swan Morrison, 02 November 2016

Royal Air Force Consults Cyclists On Design Of New Stealth Fighters

'British cyclist in twilight and at night achieve levels of invisibility of which we can only dream,' said an RAF spokesman. 'We want to learn how it's done for design of our new stealth fighters.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 November 2016

FIFA Rejects Request From England And Scotland For Players To Wear Poppy Armbands On Armistice Day

'We made them a very good offer,' said a FIFA spokesman. 'We only asked for 40% of the poppy appeal profits in return - plus, of course, the usual back-handers.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 November 2016

Mars Lander Defines Relationship Between Russia And The West

'The joint European Space Agency/Russian Space Agency Mars lander reflects the developing relationship between our nations,' said a spokesman. 'It crashed into the Martian surface at 300kph.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 October 2016

Morrisons Increase Cost Of Marmite By 12.5%

Unilever shareholders are said to be delighted whereas Morisons' Marmite customers are reported to be furious. In relation to the decision, it appears that people either love it or hate it.

written by Swan Morrison, 28 October 2016

US Asks Queen Of England To Become Interim American Head Of State

'The behaviour of Trump and Clinton make them unsuitable presidents,' said a US spokesman. 'Her Majesty has the respect of all and would reintroduce the dignity and propriety lost from US politics.'

written by Swan Morrison, 16 October 2016

Pokémon GO Praised For Its Realism

I was hunting Pokémon creatures in London Zoo on the 13th of October,' said an avid gamer, 'when a big, hairy one seemed to come right up to me and take a banana from my pocket. It was so realistic.'

written by Swan Morrison, 15 October 2016

Nigeria's President, Muhammadu Buhari, To Engage In Further Talks During Visit To Germany

'I look forward to constructive talks on important world affairs with Angela Merkel's husband,' President Buhari told reporters, 'while Angela cooks some delicious Sauerkraut for us in the kitchen.'

written by Swan Morrison, 15 October 2016

New England Football Manager Sacked Before Most People Realised That He Had Been Appointed

'Ol' whatshisname's been given the heave-ho,' said my next door neighbour. 'I don't know why yet, but I expect it's just another routine football corruption scandal.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 September 2016

IS Revealed As Major Customer For Samsung Galaxy Note 7

'We use them on half-charged batteries until we are forced to withdraw from a town,' said an IS spokesman. 'We then leave the phones behind - plugged in and charging.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 September 2016

Recent Outbreak Of World War Three Remains Largely Unreported By Media

'There's no public interest,' said a media spokesman. 'It's all been rather overshadowed by the trial in the Archers and the channel swap of the Great British Bake Off.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 September 2016

'This NHS Hospital Is Grossly Understaffed,' Claims Jeremy Corbyn In His Deathbed Video

A spokesman for Ikea later confirmed that Mr Corbyn had been lying on a bed in one of their stores when the video had been filmed, and that he seemed fine when he left.

written by Swan Morrison, 27 August 2016

Rumours Continue That Twitter Will Shut Down In 2017

Views have been sought from the remaining half dozen Twitter accounts that are run by real people rather than bots. They were too busy trolling each other to comment, however.

written by Swan Morrison, 11 August 2016

Donald Trump Escalates Bizarre Comments That Alienate Increasing Numbers Of Americans

'I must anger more people,' Mr Trump told his psychiatrist today, 'or I'll be president and not know what to do.'
'That's progress,' said the psychiatrist. 'It's the sanest thing he's ever said.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 August 2016
Showing page 1 (of 14 pages)

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