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UK Older Persons Groups Press For Urgent Legislation To Address Term Time Holidays
'They can't stop pushy parents taking children on term time holidays,' said a spokesman, 'so we need legislation to ensure that if kids are at resorts in term time, the little bastards remain quiet.'
"London Gatwick Obviously" Emphasises Oil Discovery Under Gatwick Airport
'A well near Gatwick airport could yield 158 million barrels of oil.' said a spokesman for "London Gatwick Obviously". 'Piping it directly to the planes would significantly reduce travel costs.'
Archbishop Of Canterbury Reassures Anxious Fundamentalist Christians About Solar Eclipse
'This is a normal astronomical phenomenon,' the archbishop reassured anxious fundamentalist believers. 'It does not mean that God is angry with you.'
Mirror Group Phone Hacking Caused Japanese Tsunami Claims Celebrity
'I am not exaggerating,' the celebrity told the High Court in London, 'either due to justifiable anger or a wish to maximise a damages payment.'
Yeti Encountered In Himalayas
'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of the yeti,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the creatures were obscured by the photographer's friends.'
Extraterrestrials Land In New York's Central Park
'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of extraterrestrials,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the aliens were hidden by the photographers' friends.'
Sir Malcolm Rifkind Resigns As Chairman Of Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee
The former Foreign Secretary resigns as chairman of Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee after showing little intelligence and even less security in his dealings with undercover reporters.
The 2022 Qatar World Cup Rescheduled For November And December To Avoid Health Risks Of 40 Degree Temperatures
'It's just lucky that we spotted those temperature statistics in time,' said a relieved Fifa vice-president, Jim Boyce.
Pensioners Launch Campaign To Dissuade Young People From Voting
'The Government are throwing money at us because they know that we all vote,' said a typical older citizen. 'If the young'uns show any interest in voting, then we'll have to share the loot with them.'
French Police Study Video Of HSBC Directors
The video shows a gang of HSBC directors pushing a low income saver from a Paris metro train while chanting: 'We only help the rich to evade tax, and that's the way we like it.'
UK Parliament Stunned By Allegations That Daily Telegraph Failed To Publish Negative Stories About Advertisers
'We failed in every attempt to stop them exposing our dishonest expense claims,' said a parliamentary spokesman. 'All we ever needed to do was advertise with them. We're gutted at our own stupidity.'
Fox News Again Accused Of Wrongly Claiming That A Major City Is Predominantly Muslim
'OK, we were wrong about Birmingham, England and Paris, France - wherever they are,' said a Fox New spokesman, 'but we stand by our claim about Mecca.'
University Researchers Recommend Prioritising Popular Medical Students For Flu Jabs
'Vaccination rates would rise if people with large social networks influenced their peers,' said a researcher, 'although the unpopular, friendless losers among medical students would remain at risk.'
Sony Delighted With Success Of Advertising Campaign For "The Interview"
'Insulting Kim Jong-un has given the film worldwide exposure,' said a Sony spokesman. 'The Interview 2 is now planned in which Vladimir Putin is outed as a homosexual and Pope Francis has an affair.'
North Korea Seeks Joint Probe With US On Sony Hack
'Grave consequences will follow if America rejects our inquiry plan,' said Pyongyang, 'or if they screen "The Interview" or do anything that leads Kim Jong-un to stamp his feet and throw a tantrum.'
Christmas Shoppers Spend £1.2bn On 'Panic Saturday'
Retailers are bracing themselves for a final shopping onslaught on Christmas Eve or 'Oh my God, it's Christmas Day tomorrow, why didn't anybody warn me?' Wednesday.
Conservative Peer Baroness Jenkin of Kennington Defiant About Saying "Poor People Don't Know How To Cook"
'People who think otherwise just don't live in the real world,' she explained. 'The poor can have a use as domestic servants, but finding a cook for any of one's mansions or yachts is impossible.'
Thousands Of Russians Take To Streets To Protest Against Health Cuts
Russian authorities say reforms can improve care by concentrating specialists in better hospitals. 'We copied that lie from the British NHS,' said a Russian spokesman. 'Why does no one believe it?'
Retailers Announce 'Lemming Tuesday' On Which Shoppers Will Be Encouraged To Jump From Cliffs Into The Sea
'Retailers invented Black Friday to drive shoppers into unnecessary and pointless panics,' say police. 'Lemming Tuesday is even worse - thousands will again mindlessly follow the crowd and be killed.'
Scientists Capture First Photographic Evidence Of Bears Within Chernobyl Exclusion Zone
'We initially thought that they were brown bears,' said a spokesman, 'but we now believe that they are a new species of phosphorescent, two headed bears.'
Psychiatric Hospitals Filled To Capacity With Black Friday Shoppers
'Those who choose to shop on a day that is known to be analogous to an expedition to Hell,' said one psychiatrist, 'meet the legal definition of insanity. The law thus compels us to lock them up.'
Pope Francis In Turkey Urges The World To Combat Extremism
'People must cease to hold unshakable beliefs based on tradition and emotion and not substantiated by any objective evidence … oops,' said the Supreme Pontiff.
Social Media Told To Simplify Terms And Conditions By Commons Committee
Facebook and Twitter are considering a single line data statement that simply says that anything typed onto any computer can be viewed by anyone in this universe and probably in the entire multiverse.
Three-point Turn To Be Dropped From UK Driving Test
'Use of satellite navigation systems will be examined instead,' said a Transport Ministry spokesman, 'although the time allocated for tests will increase to accommodate journeys via John O'Groats.'
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