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New Pope Is Lady GaGa's Cousin GiGi
A late breaking story coming out of the conclave. In an effort to please people who say the pontiff should appreciate women and special interest groups, Lady GaGa's cousin GiGi has made the final list
Fingernails of the Stars! New Reality TV Show Has People Biting Their Nails!
Success of Paint Peeling which drew over 6 million American viewers has lead to a new Reality show, watching star's fingernails grow. Lindsay Lohan, Oprah Winfrey are just two of the nails you'll see.
Elvis Helps Occupy Wallstreet Movement from the Grave
Elvis Presley's ghost has joined a march for OWS in his beloved Memphis. The King made his appearance official by putting on an impromptu concert. He even bought donuts for the entire crowd.
Chilean Miners Headed to David Letterman Show
All 33 Chilean miners are headed to New York to appear on David Letterman. "I thought I could have them do a Top 33 Countdown, "Things that Suck About Being Trapped in a Mine", says Letterman.
Governor Perry Discovers Religion!!!
He ain't heavy! He ain't MY brother! Yelled protestors outside of a Rick Perry fundraiser. "This joker is saying pray for this and pray for that, but he's barely set foot in his own church."
Bachman Does Iowa
Really, she did do Iowa, especially have trying to claim some lame connection between John Wayne "The Duke" and her home town, which apparently was the home of mass murderer John Wayne Gasey.
TSA To Serve Hot Dogs While You Get Patted Down
TSA official are pulling the gloves off to serve you a hot dog after patting you down!
Pope Approves Condom Usage
The Pope today said all people may have one condom each, but no more than one and only may use it in extreme emergencys...The Pope did not elaborate on what that might be.
George W. Bush: Dick Cheney Hates My Guts
George W. Bush says he still receives taunting phone calls from Dick Cheney and secretly has a restraining order to keep the former Vice President away. "Dick Cheney wants to shoot me," said GW.
Nobel Peace Prize Given to BP
BP was given the Nobel Peace Prize today for its leaking oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. The event created unity in people's hatred of BP and therefore forced the company to face its own problems...
New Lord of the Rings promises Less Violence!
The newest Lord of the Rings movie will be out soon, promising to cut out all violence and senseless killing of strange creatures with no apparent reason for being. Runtime 1 minute.
Republicans Propose New Spending and Social Programs
In a shocking turn of events, new House Republicans apparently drank from water fountains on the Democratic side of the chambers, radically changing some of their legislation. They raised taxes 30%.
Obama to Anyone Who Will Listen: "Were Screwed!"
President Obama spent the day on the phone to Democrats, Republicans, lobbyists, foreign leaders and Al Quaeda, with basically the same message,"Were Screwed".
Obama to Bill Clinton: Were Screwed!
President Obama today told Bill Clinton in a candid manor, "Were Screwed". This should not be confused with a conversation he had earlier with Hillary, where he also said, "Were Screwed".
Republicans Propose Cuts To Previous Cuts Before the Last Major Cuts To The Cuts Happened
Incoming Republicans have already proposed major cuts to minor cuts that hey say were not major enough cuts. These cuts would come on top of cuts meant to alleviate the cuts that they did not cut.
Republicans Gracious Winners: We Promise Not to Gloat!
After everyone spent more than 3 Billion dollars, Republicans promise to spend wisely, because "nobody" can afford new taxes. "Don't worry", said Dan Coats R of IN, "were the same dumb shits."
Obama to Hillary Clinton: "Were Screwed"
Barrack Obama was detected swearing and using very bad language with former first lady Hillary Clinton today.
Pixar to Remake Gone With the Wind Using Animation
Pixar announced a remake of the classic Gone With the Wind 3D animation. This will be their first attempt at an adult movie with an R rating. Rhett Butler's voice will be played by George Clooney.
Elvis Spotted in North Dakota Snow Drift
Elvis the cow of farmer John was trapped in a snow drift in this season's first blizzard. Farmer John was arrested the Division of Cow services for neglect.
Sarah Palin Comes to Defense of Christine O' Donnel
Sarah Palin defended Christine O' Donnel's gaf about the first ammendment today, saying she is often confused about that "Constitution stuff too". She wants Christine to be her running mate in 2012.
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Spoof Writers Attacked by Giant Gerbils With Flu!
Last night as they arrived at an island to discover the Oracle of Knowledge, Spoof writers were beset upon by 4 foot tall gerbils "From Hell". See the Magazine Section for the entire 15 chapters!
Rolling Stones Considering Retirement
Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ron Woods and Charlie Watts considered retirement today, after seconds of deliberations Richards said, "Naaaaaaaah." the other three nodded in agreement and went to lunch.
The Monkees Mull Reunion Tour
Hey Hey were the..... old codgers who still sing Monkees songs. Yes Micky Dolenz, Davy Jones, Peter Tork and Michael Nesmith have agreed to a reunion tour that would take them from Tampa Bay to Miami
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