Showing snippets written by Robin Berger.
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John Walsh's PTSD doctor in plagiarism scandal
Army doctor filed the same medical review hundreds of times for soldiers looking to get tax free disability pay!
NYC businesses vow to "gouge ethically"
"There's no valid reason why we should make more than 100,000 percent of profit after a hurricane," an industry spokesman said...
NASA revokes Neil Armstrong's lunar surface record
"Buzz Aldrin is now, officially, the first person to have walked on the moon," a NASA spokesperson confirmed.
CPS to investigate Gabby Douglas ponytail
"Gabby's mama let that black-ass girl compete with a white-bitch hairdo," a Child Protective Services spokeswoman said. "We'll put Gabby in foster care if her mama say she too good fo' the hood..."
"News of the World" roars back to life!
Redtop fires up the printing press "one last time" for Amy Winehouse special edition. "We can't let her voicemail go to waste," said owner Rupert Murdoch...
NBC Sports Channel renounces US citizenship
Refuses to apologize for censoring "under God" from school classroom Pledge of Allegiance. "If renouncing our US citizenship is good enough for Superman, then it's good enough for NBC Sports..."
CIA asks Bill Gertz to show bin Laden death photos to Congress
"This Washington Times reporter is privvy to everything my agency does," CIA Director Leon Panetta told Wikileaks. "He is the perfect tool, er foil, to show these photos to our elected officials..."
Tamagotchi mass extinction feared
Nearly one billion "digital pets" died from lack of owner attention, said a spokesman in Japan. "If children don't get to them soon, the entire commercial species may die out..."
Japan nuclear disaster averted!
"Gamera," a giant flying turtle, lifted off from Monster Island to eat the radiation in the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. "Gamera saved the day!" an official declared...
US State spokesman ousted for Bradley Manning comment
P.J. Crowley was also handcuffed, jailed, stripped naked, and forced to stand at attention "for his own safety," the new US State spokesman said...
Mubarak, NBC reach settlement
Will leave Egypt's "Tonight Show" for undisclosed sum. New "Hosni!" show will debut on TBS when his no-compete clause ends in September...
Petraeus orders Florida pastor be fired
"I'm outraged a minister in Gainesville, Florida used his freedom of speech in the name of religion," the top general in Afghanistan said. "I had no choice but to relieve him of his ministry..."
Kanye West writes song for Taylor Swift
"I'mma Let U Sing This" bridges the gap between black-male gangsta rap and white-female country pop, West told his 273 fans on Twitter...
CIA prostitutes befuddled
"Wikileaks founder Julian Assange hasn't fallen yet for our advances," said one perplexed hooker. "It's almost like he knows we're trying to set him up for a sex tape..."
Sweden drops warrant for Wikileaks founder
In totally unrelated news, the alleged "rape victims" each received a thank you card from American CIA director Leon Panetta. "We truly appreciate your service to our great nation," he wrote...
Pentagon used waterboard torture on Wikileaks soldier
"It's a great tool for extracting confessions," a spokesman said. "After five minutes of waterboarding, Pvt. Bradley Manning disclosed the secret hideout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange..."
Obama one-ups Wikileaks
"You think 90,000 Afghan files is a big leak?" sneered the President. "I put the lives of WWII vets in grave danger by leaking 5,000 documents from FDR!"
US FCC fines White House $520,000
An FCC spokeswoman explained "there was no excuse for Vice President Biden's F-bomb on live TV" when President Obama signed a controversial health care bill into law...
US airlines to handcuff passengers
"It's the only way to be sure no one will get up to use the rest rooms during the last hour of flight," a TSA spokesman said...
Haiti earthquake awakens monster
Prehistoric creature is named "God-zilla" in Hatian press reports. "It is headed straight for Port-au-Prince," said Haiti's top general...
US seeks death penalty for unruly airline passenger
"He demanded an extra bag of peanuts," said a TSA spokesman, "and that is a capital offence under new counter-terror laws..."
All US flights will divert to random cities
It's "an abundance of caution," a TSA spokesman said. "Terrorists can't blow up an aircraft once it has been diverted to another city..."
Paris Hilton accused of elaborate hoax
Recent decision to buy piglets "was a publicity stunt so she could tie them to helium ballons and 'accidentally' release them for global TV exposure," a PETA representative claimed...
"Balloon Boy" parents face new charges
"We obtained video evidence that shows the couple had engaged in 'wife swapping' in the presence of their minor children," said Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden...
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