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Showing snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.


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"You're fired!"

I hear the Republican Party appeared on a recent episode of The Apprentice as one of its guests and was promptly fired by its addled host.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 October 2017
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Gun Rights Activist Dwayne LaPenis Shot While Giving a Speech to the Gun Lobby

Dies Minutes Later as Attending Physicians Offer Their "Thoughts and Prayers"

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 October 2017
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Tweeting Out of Your Ass

idiom. Used to describe what President Trump does early in the morning when he should be devoting his time to mastering complex domestic and foreign policy issues.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 July 2017
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Feeling Old

I got the results back from my Telomere kit to find out how old I was in Teloyears, and discovered that I've been dead since 2007. Bummer.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 April 2017
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The First Two Hundred Days

BREAKING NEWS: After No Major Legislative Wins, President Trump Signs an Executive Order Extending the First One Hundred Days to Two Hundred Days

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 April 2017
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Dys-Trumpian World

I'm thinking of writing a dystopian novel loosely based on the Trump Administration. It will be called my diary.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 09 February 2017
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Trump U. to Re-open

BREAKING NEWS: Betsy DeVos Approved as Secretary of Education, Trump U. to Re-open

(A cardboard cutout of Donald Trump is expected to teach a class in for-profit schools and Ponzi schemes.)

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 January 2017
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Build That Wall!

This Just In: Kellyanne Conway Calls for Building a Wall between Donald Trump and his Twitter Account, Which American Taxpayers Are Only Too Glad to Pay For

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2017
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Alternative Facts

Alternative facts. n. a rhetorical device employed by political surrogates of questionable character when reality does not match up with their political agenda. See Trump surrogate.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2017
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Putting Christ Back in Christmas

Thank God the PussyGrabber-in-Chief is putting Christ back in Christmas . (Just don't let him anywhere near the Virgin Mary.)

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2016
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Birther Certificate

#BreakingNews: President Barack Obama Admits That Donald Trump's Birther Certificate Is Authentic

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 December 2016
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The New GOP

Truth in advertising: Maybe the GOP ought to now stand for Grovelling Over Putin?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 14 December 2016
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Thanksgiving Pardon

Today President Obama pardoned all the turkeys who voted for Donald Trump.

They will live out their lives standing in unemployment lines, waiting for Mr. Trump to Make America Great Again.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 November 2016
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Thanksgiving Reminder to Self

Reminder to self: If the topic of the election comes up at Thanksgiving, do NOT refer to the President-erect as the Birther-in-Chief or as President Xenophobe.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 23 November 2016
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First Amendment Rewrite

Republicans have rewritten the Establishment Clause, "Congress shall make no law respecting the practice of Islam but shall make one prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 November 2016
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Donald Trump's Newest Book

Donald Trump has released his newest book, called "They Pussy Grabber-in-Chief Tells All: How to Seduce Women and Voters with Tic Tacs and Bombast."

On sale at adult book stores everywhere.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 November 2016
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Hurricane Donald

HURRICAN DONALD TO MAKE LANDFALL ON THE ISLAND OF REPUBLICAN IN EARLY NOVEMBER

The Blowhard, expected to reach winds of 160 MPH, may well level the Grand Old Party--or, at least what's left of it.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 October 2016
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Rock-a-Bye Donald

Rock-a-bye Donald, in the pawnshop
When the wind blows, the campaign will rock
When the polls break, the campaign will fall
And down will come Donald, claptrap and all

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 August 2016
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Trump Surrogate (from the Americna Political Dictionay)

A subspecies of Homo Republicanus Rabidus that subsists on making the indefensible defensible. He or she can often be found on cable news shows or under rocks. It preys on the ignorant.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 August 2016
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Speaking out of His . . . .

Donald Trump speaks out of his ass so often he no longer has a face.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2016
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Breaking News!

Donald Trump Promises to Build a Wall Against the Zika Virus and Make It Pay for It

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 July 2016
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"Free" Pig Roast

A marquee in front of a local church announced, "Free Pig Roast!"

No doubt, for the hungry attendees of the Pig Roast, the event is free. The pig himself, however, will pay dearly for the event.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 30 June 2016
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Cristo's Newest Installment

Cristo Runs Out of Supplies with his Newest Installment: Wrapping Donald Trump's Ego in Synthetic Fabric

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 27 June 2016
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Some Days When I Wake Up

Some days I wake up and think that God, if he does exist (and I'm pretty sure he doesn't), drank his way through a third-rate state college before getting his degree in Organizational Mismanagement.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 13 June 2016
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