Showing snippets written by Clive Danton.
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Abu Hamza's Health "Deteriorating"
Double Amputee Expelled From Paralympics
"He kept arsing about" a Games spokesperson said last night.
Victoria Pendleton's Frustrated Boyfriend Hits Out.
"She always seemed to be on her bloody cycle!" he said last night.
Sex Survey Reveals Women's "Sexiest Time"
My old woman reckons it's when I go down the pub and the geezer next door comes in to service the boiler :(
Chinese Political Prisoner Survives By Drinking Own Urine
Blimey sounds like a night's boozing in The Lord Rodney's Head, Whitechapel! :(
A London Teenager Is Shot Or Knifed In The Capital Every Day
Oh well we can't all be Mr Popular I suppose :(
Man Pays 21K At Southerbys For FA Cup Final Programme
Blimey I remember paying 2/6d for mine at the turnstiles at Upton Park! It's no longer a working man's game is it? :(
British Fighter Jet Shot Down By US Friendly Fire
Flight Lieutenant Alan Baxter told MOD investigators "They waved cheerily, blew kisses and then blasted us out of the sky"
Coffee Cuts Risk Of Alzheimers
Now then, where did I put that poxy cup? :(
Man Held By Dorking Police
"I'm completely innocent!" he said last night. "I've never dorked in my life!"
Englebert To Represent Britain In Eurovision Aged 98
A showbiz pal revealed he intends to give a rendition of "I'll Take The Last Rites With You"
Man Quits Job At Helium Balloon Plant
"I wasn't going to have people talking to me like that!" he said last night.
John Motson Stricken By Tourette's Syndrome
Oh no, he's hit the fucking post the ****! said the popular football commentator last night.
Man Held For Using Smutty Innuendo And Threatening The Clergy
"I can't wait to bash the bishop!" he said in a statement last night
Man Found To Be Suffering From Rare "Posh" Tourettes
When questioned he replied "You're all a load of flipping flippers and jolly bad eggs and deserve roasting in front of an open fire! HUZZAH HUZZAH FUCK!
Man Loses Letter "C" from Keyboard
"It's been an absolute unt ever sine I bought the fuker" he said last night
Silent Movie Set For Clean Sweep At Oscars
A delighted movie insider said last night "....................................!"
Vicar Converts Shed Into Brothel
"I used to keep garden tools and spare cassocks in the shed but now it's a thriving rub and tug shop and I'm pimping for 6 bitches! I cant wait to tell the bishop!"
Wenger Blames Global Warming For Recent Poor Form
"Well I've blamed everything else for us being a bit crap so why not this?" said the runny-nosed Gallic numpty last night
US Marines Urinate On Slain Taliban
A Pentagon source explained "The boys were just trying to disinfect their beards before handing them over to their grieving families....honest"
Ref's Whistle Stolen. Tiny Clanger held.
When arrested he said "Whooooooo whooooop whoooooo whoooooooo whoooop whooooooooooooo whoooooop OFFSIDE! whoooooooooooooooooooooooo."
Chinaman's Heart Rejects Prince Philip
"That'll teach him to call us "slanty-eyed gits, the kebab guzzling c***!" said the heart with a fair degree of feeling last night
George Michael Reveals "It Was Touch And Go"
Another day spent in the public lavatories in Hampstead presumably.
Cliff Richard Held After Drunken Rumpus In Church.
When confronted by the press he denied it vehemently saying "You're me besht mates you are! Gish a fag, g'wan gish a fag" and "I'll tek the f***'in lot of yers!"
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