Showing snippets written by Backandtotheleft.
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The Tories say that the "North will not be left behind" as Britain prospers. Of course it won't. We'll be concreted over to make a car park for everyone in London's second cars
Stupid Kid Back Then
Experts are warning parents against the dangers of "Loom bands" as 4 children got them stuck up in their nose. Shouldn't we just be warning parents about the stupidity of their children?
Deaths from heart disease are falling as more Brits commit suicide at a earlier age
The Grim Face Of Politics
Ed Miliband, Alex Salmond and Stephen Gault in a governmental coalition? The political equivalent of wanking with sandpaper
Kate In Sickness Fear
Princess Kate has been told to "stay away from work" due to her morning sickness. How will the economy cope without her smiling and waving when told?
Walking a mile a day cuts the risk of someone dying of cancer. But it also increases your chances of being hit by a bus
X-Factor Of The North
The X-Factor is back! With a Game Of Thrones style advert. Hopefully this means a revamp of the show and somebody might cut Mel B's head off
British diplomats have spent £16K on cigars this year all while the NHS is having to perform operations with chip forks thanks to cutbacks
Whine About Wine
MPs will vote on whether or not wine bottles should have warning labels on them. Hopefully we'll be seeing vintage reds saying "Tastes like shit"
A study has said that the long term inhalation of wood smoke can damage your IQ. Nonsense. Fire is red and good and hot and good. And good.
Mel B's Car Attack
Mel B's car can pump out smoke and drop spikes to defend itself. From what? Who has ever wanted to kill a Spice Girl?
Jeremy Hunt wants to ban fast food giants from sponsoring sports teams. After England's performance they'd be lucky to get Rustlers
Did you know a lone bi-sexual women at a swingers party is referred to as a "unicorn"? Probably because they don't exist.
Call Of Dead Duty
A Brit who has joined the ISIS terror group says "war is more fun the COD" wonder if he'll be laughing while he looks for his legs after a drone strike?
Angelina Above Her Station
Angelina Jolie will chair a global summit on how to prevent mass kidnappings. Afterwards we'll be chairing a meeting on how to fly a spaceship and Gazza will chair one about renewable energy.
One of our sister papers has released a guide on how not to hurt yourself during the world cup. Surely it should just say, "Stay away from Luis Suarez mouth"
It is the rise of the Sumo baby with many tots being born at 12lb or over. A concern? No an opportunity for a new sport
Pardew Butts Out
Alan Pardew has admitted he is fighting for his job. I suppose it's better than fighting David Myler.
Experts believe that "super rats" will cause havoc at this years music festivals! Well their still better than touts
Body found in Manchester canal! Not mine says passer-by. More to follow.
A UKIP party member has been suspended for "repellent views" he thought it was OK to talk to a Spaniard!
An Al-Qaeda "General Manager" has died in a air strike. We wonder who will replace him, however Mohammad from accounts is a early favourite.
Drinking more coffee cuts the risk of diabetes! Only because the increased caffeine will make you believe you can standing jump a moving train long before the diabetes will get you.
Nick Clegg thinks that in the long run the Church and the state should be separated. We at BATTL news believe the same about Nicks head and body
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