Spoof Snippets
Showing snippets written by Lyndon.
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Question of the week: Is Simon gay? Question of the Month: Who gives a right f**k?
The question of whether or not Simon Cowell is gay may not be answered any time soon as the question of whether anyone gives a right fuck is much easier to answer.
Cyprus to remain 3rd largest Mediterranean island despite E.U. bailout
Bank stocks dropped by 4% on news that Cyprus would remain the Mediterranean Sea's third-largest island despite a bailout. Cypriots, meanwhile, remain unmoved. Sicily and Sardinia issued no comment.
Bieber birthday blues--still too young to buy alcohol
Biebs, who turned 19, sat alone in a Knoxville club trying with various hats and glasses to buy alcohol. After having a laugh, club security escorted the Biebs via a kick to the arse into the street.
Who will win NBA Slam Dunk Contest? Better question: who gives a gall-dang?
Similar to the MLB's Home Run Derby during All-Star Game festivities, fans will sort of watch 7-foot-tall players with 3-foot-long arms place a ball in a 10-foot-high basket. Big fucking whoop.
Couple addicted to coffee enemas, spoof writers thank goodness that the addiction is uncommon
A Florida couple announced they're addicted to coffee enemas, to the point where they'll shoot their ass up four times a day. Spoof writers agree that they can't write headlines any funnier than that.
Large quasar group even larger than lunch lady Miss Ella
Astronomy students at Harfold State College say they've discovered a cluster of quasars larger than Ella, the school's 78-year-old lunch lady. One of the drunken assholes is considering telling her.
Depardieu gains Russian citizenship, but still no cure for ugly
Gerard Depardieu got Russian citizenship, the application processed by the all-fair Vladimir Putin. Depardieu will avoid a possible French tax hike, but there is still no cure for bloated and old.
Oceans rising at alarming rate--Santa will need a jet ski next year
With the polar ice cap melting at highest rate in history, Santa and his elves will have less livable area next year. Snowmobiles may need to give way to jet skis. "I'm such a misfit," said one elf.
Jon Cryer says "Two and a half Men" says network hires loonies
With Charlie Sheen and Angus Jones biting the hands that feed or fed them, Jon Cryer is pulling the hair out of his head. "CBS is messing with my meal money by hiring these nutters.
YouTube flooded with anti-Bronco vids
It took America, and maybe the world, only four hours to become so sick of the crying "Bronco Obama" girl that countless vids have been posted of people crying as a result of the video of the girl.
Elephant learns Korean words--one of them the F-bomb
A Korean zoo features a talented elephant who has developed the ability to speak. It's a bit of a pirate, though, as it repeatedly says, "Neoi saekki ttangkong-eul miwo" or "I hate fucking peanuts."
Maine still boring despite the prostitutes
Kennebunkport thought it was the only Maine town with some excitement since it's the summer home to George H.W. Bush. But it can't hold a candle to neighboring Kennebunk--they have prostitutes!
Chavez vows to honor any favorable election results
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez Frias promised to honor the results of this weekend's election, regardless of the results, provided that the results showed him to be the victor.
New Japanese/Taiwanese theme park to open: Senkaku Islands
A Japanese and Taiwanese capitalist is seizing the moment created by tensions between the two nations over island disputes. "Naval ships will fire water at each other while kids ride between them!"
Ahmadinejad making friends at U.N.: "Let's party like it's 1979!"
Iran's President Ahmadinejad dropped a big hint that he was one of the Iranian students who held 52 Americans for 444 days in 1978-79. "I like bell-bottoms--reminds me of blindfolding Americans."
Romney's 47% comment checks out--if you count babies
Those who jumped on Romney for comments about 47% of Americans not paying taxes are left with pie on their face. It seems Romney was also including infants as those expecting food and health care.
Actress duped into making anti-Islam porno
Cynthia Garcia said she had no idea that she'd been cast in an anti-Islamic porn film when she signed on to appear in Islamic Slut Zombies from Kabul. "I thought we were making art," she said.
Most recent jobs report contradicts last week's jobs report, to be contradicted next week
This week's jobs report states that jobs were created at a snail's pace. This news stands in direct contrast to last week's jobs report which stated that jobs were falling from the sky. And next week?
Prince Harry back in Afghanistan to fly choppers bare-assed
Prince Henry has returned to Afghanistan where he's expected to fly Apache helicopters in dangerous missions. The danger level will be raised several notches as the Prince will only fly knicker-less.
Akin still has strong hold on complete and utter asshole vote
Senatorial nominee Todd Akin can take solace in a recent poll which suggests that utter assholes and ignorant motherfuckers still support Akin despite his recent gaffe regarding illegitimate rape.
Porn industry shut down due to discover of tertiary syphilis
Apparently no one had noticed the soft, tumor-like balls on a porno actor until recently. He'd long complained of poor balance and lightning stomach pains, but these were just chalked up to old age.
11th hidden control on iPhone headphones discovered
You can't just fast-forward, replay, skip songs, and answer phone calls by entering secret tap codes into your iPhone headphones. They will also go to the bathroom for you, right in your pants.
Tommy proclaims, "Happy Meal toys are shit"
Little Tommy Bean, 7, stormed out of the Harfold McDonald's, tossing yet another Sponge Bob give-away into the trash. "How many pieces of crap can a kid get from the 3rd World before you've had it."
Curiosity killed the cat--or a Martian--due to erratic driving
The Mars rover "Curiosity" will most certainly kill something if there is, indeed, life on Mars. "Bastard drives like a drunken bumkin," claims one NASA technician. "We'll find it ass-end up one day."
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