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6,815 Americans die on Black Friday
Some 6,815 Americans died on Black Friday, which is the average daily number of deaths in the U.S. The difference: 6,754 of these deaths were blamed on crazy-ass shoppers trying to score a bargain.
Depp thinks the tech in 'Transcendence' is 'close to being reality,' but he also smokes a lot of pot
Actor Johnny Depp, who in between films must've earned a degree in astro-physics, feels that the technology in the film Transcendence is close to being an everyday thing. Sort of like pot in Colorado.
Homosexual activists arrested, thereby ridding Sochi once again of all gays
Russian authorities arrested some 20 homosexual activists who had been protesting near the Olympic village. The arrests prompted spokesman Igor Tova to proclaim, "Sochi is once again sinner free."
72% of all tweets about Hoffman made by people who can't name one movie he made
Three of every four Americans who've tweeted sympathy at Philip Seymour Hoffman's sudden passing have no fucking clue who he actually was. "Just seemed to be the cool thing to do," said Mikey Waters.
Can't Belieb it--Bieber retiring
In yet another example of life imitating spoof, Justin Bieber announced his retirement. It's unclear, however, if he'll put an end to bringing pet monkeys to Germany or urinating in front of others.
Origami condom collapses, hurts
A new style of condom, the origami condom, hasn't flopped-it has collapsed. "I like to scream when I'm doing it," said Carlos Gomez of Harfold, Vermont. "But damn, not because I'm gettin' sliced up."
Royal baby named after first U.S. President
Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, decided to honor the United States' first president by calling their baby boy George. His full name is George Washington District of Columbia Windsor.
Former Biebs monkey to get reality show
Mally, the capuchin monkey confiscated in Munich, will star in her own reality show called Hangin in Hodenhagen. Zoo officials signed off on the deal because they were promised to be shown on TV.
Lesula monkeys from the Congo suffer from blue balls
Male lesula monkeys, which have been discovered in the Congo, have bald, brilliant blue testicles and butt. Not only is it painful for them to run, but the natives also hunt them for bush meat.
Question of the week: Is Simon gay? Question of the Month: Who gives a right f**k?
The question of whether or not Simon Cowell is gay may not be answered any time soon as the question of whether anyone gives a right fuck is much easier to answer.
Cyprus to remain 3rd largest Mediterranean island despite E.U. bailout
Bank stocks dropped by 4% on news that Cyprus would remain the Mediterranean Sea's third-largest island despite a bailout. Cypriots, meanwhile, remain unmoved. Sicily and Sardinia issued no comment.
Bieber birthday blues--still too young to buy alcohol
Biebs, who turned 19, sat alone in a Knoxville club trying with various hats and glasses to buy alcohol. After having a laugh, club security escorted the Biebs via a kick to the arse into the street.
Who will win NBA Slam Dunk Contest? Better question: who gives a gall-dang?
Similar to the MLB's Home Run Derby during All-Star Game festivities, fans will sort of watch 7-foot-tall players with 3-foot-long arms place a ball in a 10-foot-high basket. Big fucking whoop.
Couple addicted to coffee enemas, spoof writers thank goodness that the addiction is uncommon
A Florida couple announced they're addicted to coffee enemas, to the point where they'll shoot their ass up four times a day. Spoof writers agree that they can't write headlines any funnier than that.
Large quasar group even larger than lunch lady Miss Ella
Astronomy students at Harfold State College say they've discovered a cluster of quasars larger than Ella, the school's 78-year-old lunch lady. One of the drunken assholes is considering telling her.
Depardieu gains Russian citizenship, but still no cure for ugly
Gerard Depardieu got Russian citizenship, the application processed by the all-fair Vladimir Putin. Depardieu will avoid a possible French tax hike, but there is still no cure for bloated and old.
Oceans rising at alarming rate--Santa will need a jet ski next year
With the polar ice cap melting at highest rate in history, Santa and his elves will have less livable area next year. Snowmobiles may need to give way to jet skis. "I'm such a misfit," said one elf.
Jon Cryer says "Two and a half Men" says network hires loonies
With Charlie Sheen and Angus Jones biting the hands that feed or fed them, Jon Cryer is pulling the hair out of his head. "CBS is messing with my meal money by hiring these nutters.
YouTube flooded with anti-Bronco vids
It took America, and maybe the world, only four hours to become so sick of the crying "Bronco Obama" girl that countless vids have been posted of people crying as a result of the video of the girl.
Elephant learns Korean words--one of them the F-bomb
A Korean zoo features a talented elephant who has developed the ability to speak. It's a bit of a pirate, though, as it repeatedly says, "Neoi saekki ttangkong-eul miwo" or "I hate fucking peanuts."
Maine still boring despite the prostitutes
Kennebunkport thought it was the only Maine town with some excitement since it's the summer home to George H.W. Bush. But it can't hold a candle to neighboring Kennebunk--they have prostitutes!
Chavez vows to honor any favorable election results
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez Frias promised to honor the results of this weekend's election, regardless of the results, provided that the results showed him to be the victor.
New Japanese/Taiwanese theme park to open: Senkaku Islands
A Japanese and Taiwanese capitalist is seizing the moment created by tensions between the two nations over island disputes. "Naval ships will fire water at each other while kids ride between them!"
Ahmadinejad making friends at U.N.: "Let's party like it's 1979!"
Iran's President Ahmadinejad dropped a big hint that he was one of the Iranian students who held 52 Americans for 444 days in 1978-79. "I like bell-bottoms--reminds me of blindfolding Americans."
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