Showing snippets written by Michael Balton.
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The Yankees retired Derek Jeter's number this weekend. The Mets only had Sandy Alderson's IQ score to work with.
Until further notice, the role of FBI director will be played by Alec Baldwin.
Eat Up. That's an Order
Donald Trump is opening the city's first totalitarian restaurant. It's called Your Papers Please, and features an exclusive bread and water menu.
A public service announcement:
Keep your political system under control: make sure your politicians are spayed or neutered.
Rick Perry gets a reality show:
So You Think You Can Goose-Step
Tribute to Terry
The Mets are retiring Tterry Collins' blood pressure numbers,
Donald Trump wants to build a wall around the Mets. He'd make the Wilpons pay for it.
The revolution will be decided by AutoCorrect.
The sound shit makes when it hits the fan.
Coincidence or conspiracy?
The oceans are running out of fish. That's OK. Trader Joe's is running out of tartar sauce.
In the Navy!
The Pentagon is developing a sodium free ocean. It's called Lake Michigan
Fun in the sun
They say if you hold the ocean up to your ear you can hear yourself drowning.
Hillary is having Bill fit with a black box recorder to avoid another inflight disaster.
Hillary's giving refrigerator magnets to select supporters. Come in handy if you have to erase an email server quickly.
Let's all chip in and buy her a White House warming gift. I hear she needs a new email server.
The New York Mets are giving up their camouflage uniforms. Every time they wear them, Terry Collins can't find the team.
Jokes of the Bible
Easter Bunny: I didn't make enough eggs this year.
Jesus: What do you want me to do about it?
Easter Bunny: How about a miracle or two?
Jesus: Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.
New Webcast Series Announced:
Comedians On Crack, Getting More Crack
Heard in Hollywood™
Starlet #1: Do you dream in color?
Starlet #2: Yes. But I fart in IMAX 3-D.
A-Rod out of baseball for an entire season
Now they can stop needling him.
Chris Christie's favorite setting for political suicide
You Brexit, you bought it.
He Should've Used the Tunnel
Chris Christie's favorite Christmas treat:
I'm all for texting, but my thumbs oppose.
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