Showing snippets written by Michael Balton.
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The New York Mets are giving up their camouflage uniforms. Every time they wear them, Terry Collins can't find the team.
Jokes of the Bible
Easter Bunny: I didn't make enough eggs this year.
Jesus: What do you want me to do about it?
Easter Bunny: How about a miracle or two?
Jesus: Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.
New Webcast Series Announced:
Comedians On Crack, Getting More Crack
Heard in Hollywood™
Starlet #1: Do you dream in color?
Starlet #2: Yes. But I fart in IMAX 3-D.
A-Rod out of baseball for an entire season
Now they can stop needling him.
Chris Christie's favorite setting for political suicide
Chris Christie's favorite alibi
Traffic was brutal.
He Should've Used the Tunnel
Chris Christie's favorite Christmas treat:
I'm all for texting, but my thumbs oppose.
When the music's over
First Jimi. Then Janis. Now Lou Reed. When does it end?
Get Well Soon
Republicans have traded in their tea for some chicken soup. As soon as they feel better, they are going to kick Ted Cruz down the road.
Circle the Clichés, Boys
Congress is putting more boots on the ground to kick the can down the road.
Congress considers putting more boots on the ground to kick the can down the road.
Ted Cruz is promoting his new citizen's guide:
"How a Bill Becomes a Hate Crime"
From the nation's capital…
They had to close the National Zoo. It couldn't compete with the Congressional Circus.
A Zero Sum Game
345 Representatives. 100 Senators. 0 Leaders.
For the Birds
What's the difference between a flock of flamingos and Congress?
Flamingos keep cool by urinating on their legs. Congressmen prefer getting pissy with John Boehner.
Face of the Mets' Future
If Ike Davis corrects his timing, listens to his coaches and takes extra batting practice, he could develop into the next Jason Bay.
TV Viewing Tip Gleaned from Real Life
I need to pay closer attention when using my cable TV box's remote control.
I thought I was watching the latest Jackass movie for the past two hours. Turned out to be tonight's Met game.
All-Star Game Bulletin
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has killed the opening musical number for this year's All-Star game. It was called "When You Wish Upon a Steroid," and featured Goofy and Tinkerbell.
US Opens World's First Flight School for Pigs
"Many of our most pressing problems only can be solved 'when pigs fly,'" explains Pres. Obama. "We're also working on a refrigeration system to freeze over Hell."
It's time to play…
What Stinks Worse?
A. a disabled Carnival Cruise ship
B. a Sandy Alderson bullpen
New Perspectives On Primates
Some cultures consider monkey brains to be a delicacy.
Our culture considers monkey brains to be a Congress.
Against All Odds
An IKEA meatball won the third race at Belmont Park yesterday.
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