Showing snippets written by Tommy Twinkle.
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Don't Believe Everything You Read!
David Cameron has called for greater controls on the internet after a major newspaper printed a hoax news report claiming the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have announced their decision to separate.
Prime Minister's Wife Samantha Declared Winner!
First prize in 'best hat' worn by women attending yesterday's funeral service for Baroness Thatcher at St Paul's Cathedral has been won by Samantha Cameron for her back to front black baseball cap.
Better Safe Than Sorry!
So as not to run the risk of waking the dead the chimes of Big Ben will fall silent for Lady Thatcher's funeral in London tomorrow.
Beatrice and Eugenie Now Say They WILL Attend Baroness Thatcher's Funeral Service!
The Dean of St Paul's Cathedral said today that the ban on eating crisps inside the cathedral will not apply for mourners attending next Wednesday's funeral service for Baroness Thatcher.
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid!
Following Tuesday's announcement by the Queen of her wish to attend Lady Thatcher's funeral on 17 April it has been decided no mention will be made during the service of her death at the age of 87!
86 Year Old Patient Leaves Hospital Alive!
Explained the patient's doctor, palliative specialist Dr. De'Ath, 'Unfortunately Her Majesty began to show signs of improvement before my team had time to commence her to The Liverpool Care Pathway.'
Piers Morgan's 'New American Constitution' goes on sale at all good book shops across America from next week. His 'New Improved Holy Bible' is expected to be on the shelves in time for Easter 2013.
It's The Thought That Counts!
The Prime Minister's 'anything for me' to his postman this morning has at last brought a 'yes' reply. He said later, 'It's only a small one but at least it's a Christmas card.'
December 2012 Prophecy Was Correct!
Experts now believe the Mayan prophecy about a large comet-like planet being linked to the end of time in December 2012 referred to this week's closure of Comet's remaining electrical retail stores.
New 'Warmer' Christmas Day Announced For Britain!
David Cameron has announced a change to the calendar. From now on 25 December becomes 25 June. He said Boxing Day will still fall on 26 December but will now come the day after the readjusted 25 June!
Government To Limit Cost To Taxpayers Of Caring For The Elderly.
The government has announced it is to limit the cost of care in old age to a maximum of £35,OOO. Said Prime Minister Mr Cameron, "After that the useless eaters will have to pay for their own care."
UK's Police Issue Christmas 'Zero Tolerance' Reminder To The Public.
Police have issued a reminder to the public that it's officers will be armed this Christmas and applying 'zero tolerance'. Anyone found to be causing a disturbance in a public place will be shot.
President Obama may have mild amnesia say doctors. The President has been advised to sign all documents in future with Autopen. It seems he signed a few recently as 'Barry Soetoro'.
A Nation manipulated by it's government into giving consent for it's police to use rubber bullets - against children - instead of demanding those 'brave' policemen be issued with some rubber footwear!
Essex Pub Puts Up a Dartboard!
'Disgusting' ; 'Have they no shame'; 'I'm not even sure it's legal anymore' ; 'Inform Health & Safety', have been just some of the more printable comments from the local community.
Dali's Melted Watch is to go under the hammer!
The actual melted watch Salvador Dali worked from for his ink on paper masterpiece 'Soft Watch at Moment of First Explosion' c.1954 is being auctioned next month in Paris. I wonder if it still works!
Mr Davies is confused !
MP Philip Davies is confused. He asks, "If disabled people have to be paid at least the minimum wage shouldn't it follow that no able bodied person will be working for the same measly amount of pay?"
Government's 'Work Training' plans.....for Children!
...Mr Cameron insists plans to end child support benefit will not result in children being abandoned onto the streets. Old style Victorian workhouses will be brought in to accommodate them he says.
British Get Taken....for fools?
Police abandon investigation re. TV talent show as they suspect publicity stunt. No convincing reason offered yet about how the makers of a show with millions of viewers could gain from such a stunt!
Cheryl Cole in denial!
Extremely talented British singer Cheryl Cole said today she absolutely HAD NOT been blogging from Germany recently.
Silence is Coleden!
The US makers of X Factor are now saying Cheryl Cole CAN be one of their panel of judges. However, she will have to smile or frown her views about each act as this would be a non-speaking position.
The reason for why a man could not buy a train ticket for his pony at Wrexham Station - The Pony Express does not stop at Wrexham Station!
A hard act to follow!
Britain's Got Talent TV show on Saturday includes 'man of rubber' act who turns himself completely inside out while playing a harmonica!
24 hour police protection for minor royals like Prince Andrew and Princess Anne is to be removed following the recent assassination of Al Qaeda chief Osama Bin Laden by elite American forces.
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