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Obama to put 50,000 boots on the ground to combat 26 US State Governors
President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he has authorized 25,000 troops to be deployed to 26 of the United States to enforce his decision to allow Syrian refugees to infiltrate the USA.
Jerry Bruckheimer Arrested After Shooting Pilot
Jerome Leon ("Jerry") Bruckheimer was arrested today after the FBI discovered that he had shot a pilot.
Obama Vows to 'Redouble' Islamic State Fight After Paris
Opening two days of talks with world leaders in Turkey, Obama pledged to send an additional 50 troops to Syria, bringing the total US force to 100.
HUD proposes masturbation ban in public housing, citing dangers of warts
In an effort to reduce warts, the federal government is seeking to ban masturbation in all of the nation's 13.2 million public housing units.
Golfers To March Across America, Demanding Free Greens Fees
Golfers were set to walk off golf courses across the United States today to protest ballooning greens fees and rally for free golf balls.
Ben Carson Claimed He Masturbated as a Boy, But Can't Prove It
Dr. Ben Carson says he was prone to masturbating during his youth until he had a religious experience in the bathroom of his Detroit home.
Obama Rejects Keystone XL, Then Issues Executive Order Mandating Keystone XXXL, Citing Political Climate Change
Immediately following the rejection of the Keystone XL pipeline, Obama issued an executive order, mandating the construction of the Keystone XXXL pipeline, citing recent political climate change.
Obama Faces Tough Battle In House To Pass KFC
President Obama now faces probably his toughest dining-room challenge since passage of mashed potatoes in 2009 - persuading Malia and/or Michelle to pass the fried chicken (KFC).
Obama Issues Executive Order, Renaming Political Parties
The Democratic party shall be referred to as "The Supreme Democratic Party", while the Republican party shall be called "The Repuglican Order of Christian Taliban Douche-bags".
Obama Issues Executive Order Mandating That Ex-Cons Be Hired For All Federal Jobs
President Obama announced today that a new Executive Order has been issued, requiring that former convicts be hired for all federal government jobs.
Hurricane Patricia Disappoints Cable News Networks
NOA forecasters say Hurricane Patricia has crossed into Mexico and has caused little damage, dashing the hopes of cable news networks.
EPA Formally Declares Humans are Danger to Environment
The United States EPA announced today that humans threaten public health and the environment.
After Four Years of Failure, Obama Looks to Russia, North Korea and Iran for Help
When President Obama spoke at the United Nations Monday, he begged for cooperation with North Korea, Iran and Russia in an effort to end the Syrian civil war that has left the Middle East in ruin.
New Study Suggests Climate Change Causing Liberals and Conservatives to Evolve Differently
There has long been suspicion that liberals and conservatives are two distinct species, but this latest study seems to confirm that.
Hillary slams Clinton for Originating the "Obama Is A Muslim" Rumor
2015 Hillary Clinton blasted 2008 Hillary Clinton this afternoon for originating the rumor that President Obama is a Muslim.
Hillary Clinton sparks outrage by claiming no Republican should be President
Hilary Clinton says the United States should not elect a Republican president, sparking outrage in the Republican party.
Donald Trump urges focus on angry white men in Congressional White Caucus speech
Donald Trump pressed for a greater focus on helping angry white men who are more likely to be stuck in minimum wage jobs, have higher rates of illness and face higher rates of incarceration.
Obama Issues Exexutive Order To Make Americans Get Exactly What They Deserve
President Obama unveiled a plan to make federal agencies deliver services that Americans may not want or desire.
Baltimore Mayor Announces Presidential Run
Baltimore Mayor, Democrat Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, will not seek re-election in 2016, but she announced that she will be seeking the office of President of the United States.
Democrats finally have enough Senate votes to stifle Americans
Three Democrat senators announced today that they will vote in support of the nuclear deal with Iran. In a new CNN poll, 56% of Americans now say they think Congress should reject the deal.
Donald Trump fails to sign pledge not to run for King in 2016
Republican presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, announced Today that he has not signed a pledge not to run for King.
Donald Trump to Appear on America's Got Talent
Republican presidential candidate, Donald Trump announced today that he will appear on NBC's 'America's Got Talent' in the upcoming fall season.
Blue Balls Creamey Introduces Second New Ice Cream Flavor
Blue Balls Creamery has released the name of the second flavor to be released when the ice cream goes back on store shelves: Mysteria.
Apple to Introduce Slew of Wearable Technology Products Next Year
Apple Inc. CEO, Tim Cook, announced today that they would introduce several new wearable technology products in Spring of 2016.
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