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Larry The Lobster Finally Dispatched
At 3am, within the walls of The Gordon Ramsey Prison in Austin Texas, Larry (Red Boy) Lobster, was put to death. His last words, as he was lowered into the pot, were: "I am not a criminal".
The Baroness Thatcher goes out for first time in months
Thatchers Private Secretary stated; "We didn't know she had come back from her last outing. She was found in a ditch in Hoxton this time. Silly old sod, must remember to lock the kitchen door. Bless
Qheens one armed Butler sacked!
Mr Merton, the one armed Butler to H.M. Queen Elizabeth 11, has been thrown out of the palace. An insider told us, "He could give it, but not take it away".
Four leading inventive Scientists have resigned thier posts after admitting; "Velcro, was a total rip off"
Armfeetandtoe finds out his dad was a Nun
Its true, my mum told me. She said that everytime my dad was in court, and the judge asked my dad if he had a job, he replied; "Nun"
Immigration control at breaking point
250 Japanese surfers have just arrived off the coast of Dover.
Lambs to the slaughter
When asked what eco friendly slaughter methods he uses. Farmer Ecoly Spume replied. "We uses r baseball bat on't lambs.......BASTARRRRRRDSSSSS!!!!!!
Irish Taoiseach solves money crisis!
Irish Prime Minister, Brian Cowan has resolved the debt ridden countries problems. Asked how, he said:
"We remembered der combination to der safe.
Israel threatens Egypt
Israel has threatened to tell Egypts Mummy if it does not stop throwing stones.
Morgus atant'e et fortim bunto!
Fuck it! We dont know what it means either! but it must be news..............Anyone?
Tramp earns fortune at Lourdes
Tramp, Paul Dimstit, has a piss stain on his trousers that resembles the face of Jesus. Many people say they have been blessed, but wont drink his holy water.
Fireman arrested after bying stolen hose
"I had my fingers burnt mate". Said Sam the fireman.
Ant eater sues racist Zoo Keeper!
"All I said was, why the long face?" Claims Keeper.
Elephants have big ears!
Noddy refuses to pay the ransom.
Snow White sues Dwarfs
Snow White says she contracted Clamidya from: "One of those dirty low down bums". And will take each one of them to court to seek justice. Dopey retorted. "I didnt know I had one".
Quasimodo arrested for swearing at children.
Quasimodo was arrested after shouting and swearing at a group of children. one child said. "He ran past us shouting, Fuck off! I havent got your ball!
One legged man hopping mad
Stanley Stumper has had his false leg stolen while using a public toilet. "I was sittin darn avin a crap, when this hand comes under the door, an has it away wiv me leg!".
Quasimodo looses it!
QuasiModo lost his rag today and refused to ring he bell.
Asked why he was acting this way, he replied.
"I've got the hump!"
French condom factory goes bust!
A French condom factory went bust today. It also went Bang! Whizz! and Kaboom! The profolatic firm forgot to turn off the gas which led to the explosion. Police said the firm will bounce back.
Japan elect first black president!
Japanese people woke this morning and celebrated the election of "Nissan Maindealer", the first black president of Japan. Nissan, has roots in South Africa.
Missing Persons 2
The fuckers are out there somewhere.
Gay London Mayor!
Wants Nelsons column to be painted pink!
Some missing people are still missing.
Robert Mugabe apologises
President Mugabe of Zimbabwindsor has apologised for not using clean utensils when torturing his subjects.
"I know dees ken cause de infectious". He mused.
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