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Obama Health Plan To Drop Diabetics.
Diabetics will no longer be covered under the proposed US health care reform. "We will send Wilford Brimley to visit them occasionally," a White House spokesman said.
"He can feel their pain."
Imprisoned Child Molesters To Be New Postal Service "Santa"
The USPS will no longer send "Santa Letters" from the North Pole, so child molesters will now do the writing.
"Makes sense," said a Postal Service spokesmen, "They really know how to talk with them."
Obama: "Replace Doctors & Nurses With Actors"
The Obama Health plan will include replacing medical practitioners with unemployed actors from movies and TV shows. "They won't be able to do anything except make people feel good and that's enough."
Purell Picks Lady Macbeth As Spokesperson
Spurred on by Swine Flu worries the anti-bacterial lotion selected Lady Macbeth as it new spokesperson. Mcbeth said," No need to keep washing my hands, just keep using, Purel, Purel, Purel, Purel....
Study Debunks Email Myth
The results of a 5 yr. $110 million Federal grant show an email from NYC to LA does not arrive 3 hours later. It actually arrives 3 hours EARLIER. "We suspected it, now we know," said a researcher."
OBAMA: "Poison Pill To Be Packed With Cigarettes"
A key part of the Obama Health Package with be the mandatory inclusion of a fast acting poison pill in every package of cigarettes. The butts will be labeled "slow acting," the pill "fast acting."
PBS Scrubs "NOVA" series, "PCB's Our Secret Friend."
The decision came after most of the crew died horrible deaths while filming at the world's most toxic sites. A non-plussed spokesman told the Spoof,"Shit,it's show biz. They'll be replaced today."
Potato Peeling Skydiver Captures Guinness Book Record
Bannock Russet, captured the prize after peeling more than a bushel of potatoes as he plummeted 15,000 feet. He skinned his last spud only 40 feet from the ground. A memorial service is planned
Funeral Directors Thrilled Over Obama "Death Pill" As Huge Boost To The Economy
R.Stiff, of the Association of Dead People Handlers, is thrilled over the decision to "cull the herd" to help medical expenses. "Wow what business! I'll be putting the extras in our home freezer."
Dyson invents Ambidextrous Tableware
Vacuum cleaner mogul, James Dyson has invented the first knife, fork & spoon set that can be used by either hand. "It's a marvel," said Dyson. Critics say he's run out of things to invent.
Post Natal Birth Control Key To Obama Health Plan. Objections Expected.
Parents get $1,500 cash for every child they "neutralize." Defending the controversial idea, Obama said," Reducing the population is the best way to control health costs."
Limit = 8 per family.
K-daffy & Rabbi Shmuley To Sleep Together. Are They Gay?
Libya's nutty dictator Moammar K-Daffy will sleep in a tent when he visits the UN. It be in NJ, next to TV Rabbi Shmuley. When asked if he is gay, Shmuley said, "No, but he is real cute even hot."
Appendix Now Found Useful. Surgeons Outraged.
New research finds the "vestigial" appendix may serve an important purpose. The "National Academy Of Appendix Removers" is seething. "This will put us out of business.It makes us sick in the gut."
"Dining With Dementia" Restaurants To Open
It's a simple concept. The demented customers are seated at a table and served dirty dishes. A few minutes later their waitperson asks, "would you like a second helping, desert, coffee or the check?"
PITA Announces "Poop For Prada" Campaign
"The protest is simple." said a spokesman, "Just carry a bag of your poop at all times, and when you see someone wearing Prada, smear them with poop. "Vomit for Vuitton" is our next big push."
"SD-RAM" Computer Porno Box Office Hit With PC Geeks
"SD-RAM" stars porno king Hugh Mongousdick and has grossed more geek ticket sales than any other PC porno flick. "We can't wait for the sequel DDS-RAM," one nerd told "The Spoof"
"Just awesome dude."
Obama Death Pill Seen To Benefit Economy. Secret Part Of Health Reform
Hidden in the reform plan is the opportunity to get a free Death Pill. You must be at least 3 yo to qualify. "It will boost the economy be helping funeral directors and casket companies." Obama said.
Tennessee Brother And Sister Celebrate 50th Wedding Anniversary
Bo & Peep Little celebrated 50 years of marital bliss in Cornhusk,TN. "Nuttin' wrong with marrin' kin. Ya know what yer gittin'," said Bo. Their three headed children are stars of a Chinese circus.
Disgraced Pastor Jimmy Swaggert To open Mr. Jesus Pizza Restaurants
There will be 387 Mr.Jesus pizza restaurants in the South. Formed as a cross, they will feature toppings named, "The Last Supper, Communion Wafer, Loaves and Fishes & Crown of Thorns."
Mimes A Favorite With The Deaf, Flop With The Blind
A survey shows 98% of the deaf enjoy pantomimes while less than 1% of the blind do. "It's a puzzle," said mime/rapper Shhh Boy. I always have a stage sign explaining my moves, but they don't get it."
Pit Bull Association Donates First Seeing Eye Dog
The recipient,Donna Foonman of Plasticville,Iowa was thrilled to get "Fang" saying "He's so playful. I don't mind that he chewed off my fight arm because I'm left handed and he loves playing with it."
Russian Cure For Migraines Announced. Breaking News.
A rough translation of the report from the "Vodka" news service says,"Remove head from body for 3 days to a month and soak in warm water. Keep pressure on neck to avoid excessive bleeding.
Dead Billy Mays To Become Cocaine "Spokesghost"
Now that blood tests show pitchman Billy Mays died of a cocaine overdose, the Columbian drug cartel has named him their "Spokesghost" His new slogan will be "Forget Orange Glo. You'll Love Coke Glo."
Obama Names 128 U.S. Cities As "NO FART ZONES"
"Farting in one of the biggest threats to the environment, and it must stop," said the President. "We selected the worst offending cities," he said. There will be a $1000 fine per fart or jail time.
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