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Motor racing to be permitted on British streets.
Speed camera fine bonanza anticipated.
Sir Michael Caine Awarded Freedom Of City Of London
Agrees to avert eyes when passing HMRC.
Popemobile Must Pay Road Tax
Pope's prayers ineffective.
Parking tickets come home to roost.
Good luck with your cellmate, Big Brian.
I am sure he will gladly pick up your speeding points - just as long as you pick up the soap.
22 Year Old Rory McIlroy has really fucked up.
Poor Rory - takes a $100m bribe to sign with Nike and GF Caroline Woznackered has come back from Aussie with the rags on.
He must be frustrated - only $160m in the bank and crap clubs for 4 years.
Bad news! Snow melting.
The Met Office has been forced to admit that snow is melting in a number of regions, where the temperature is above freezing. Reporters are comforted by the likelihood of flooding headlines by Monday.
That Twat Blair - Proposes Self As ELECTED EU President!
You could not make it up!
Death Penalty - It's Back!
Courts, gallows and hangmen are to be prepared for any spectator uttering "In the hole" at any time during the upcoming Ryder Cup.
it is expected that victims will be large and from the USA.
Bank Holiday Deluge Forecast
Julie Andrews to Sing Again!
Alex Salmond, Scottish First Minister
Spends taxpayers thousands going to film premier in LA.
Did nobody tell him it was only a fucking cartoon?
Maybe "he's worth it".
Me, I think he's just a little, mouthy shite ripe for a fall.
Torvill and Dean tragedy
Torvill and Dean are missing after an Olympic torch incident.
They disappeared after skating on to the Rochdale Canal expecting 6 inches of solid ice.
After all, remarked onlookers, it is only June!
Huge Berlusgonad Shocker
Apparently, he DID shag the teenage beauty.
Jammy old bstard!
Well Done Your Royal Highness!
Duke of Edinburgh's perfectly timed hospitalisation puts Republicanism back by 25 years.
Nice one Sir!
Boat Race "Swimmer" To Disrupt Diamond Jubilee Pageant
Trenton Oldfield has announced his intention to "swim in the way of the Queen's barge".
Her Majesty has announced that HMS Belfast is to be steamed up for the first time in 50 years.
Victoria Beckham Actually Not What You See In Photographs!
"By the time I've twisted myself into "Fuck - a camera pose" - my brain has no time to get me to smile", says Victoria.
Personally, I don't give a fuck.
Princess Michael of Kunt
Scots Wha Say
Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot, and never brought tae mind, we'll just slip doon tae England soon, and get booze for 10p less!
Vera Lynn Reveals Secret Regret
I wish I had never shagged Von Richthofen - it was a moment of weakness that led inevitably to my big hit single "White Cliffs of Dover" but you will have to buy my autobiography to find out why".
Russell Brand - What A
Pippa, oh, Pippa, OH Pip.........pa, oh yes Pippa, now Pippa!
Oh fuck. Thought of Kate.
Fire Brigade to strike 2 weeks from now.
Francis Maude advises families to use stored petrol to burn their houses "within 2 weeks".
Income Tax Office Tells Woman "You Are Deceased"
And the silly mare insists she isn't!
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