Showing breaking news satire snippets written by C. Lance the Freelance.
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Dracula Spotted Outdoors During Recent Eclipse of Sun
During a recent total solar eclipse, Dracula was spotted outside in a rare daylight appearance. Dracula ventured from his coffin because he thought night had fallen, a common mistake made by vampires.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Clooney to Undergo Surgery in Bid to Reclaim Sexy Title
George Clooney plans to have plastic surgery to help him reclaim the illustrious title "Sexiest Man Alive". My wife insists he doesn't need surgery to make that happen because he never lost the title!
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
X-Files Star Not Sure Which Accent to Use During Double Interview
Gillian Anderson, known for switching off and on her British accent depending on her location, will be simultaneously interviewed by reporters from both sides of the pond to see which one she'll use.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
People With Opposite Phobias Help Each Other Get Through Their Difficulties
A woman with agoraphobia helped a claustrophobic man get out of a manhole he fell into by her house, then the man returned the favor by helping the agoraphobic woman back into the safety of her home.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Convict's Nearly Completed Sentence Lengthened After Stupid Move
A week before his scheduled release, a convict followed a group of inmates on a failed escape attempt. Unaware of how close he was to getting out legally, this con will now stay in another ten years.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Toddlers Exhibit Raw Emotions During Beauty Pageant
A toddler "cutie" pageant went from adorable to horrible in less than a minute when the runner-up threw a tantrum and vomited when she lost, and the winner crapped her diaper during crowning ceremony.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Spoofer's Masterpiece Snippet's Life Squeezed Out Due to Limit
A spoofer's creative masterpiece snippet died from constriction due to the 200-character limit, forcing the spoofer to resort to using less appropriate choice of words, thereby lessening its impact.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Variety is the Spice of Life, For the Most Part
A highrise elevator malfunctioned, trapping three men a whole day, each of a different religion. Muslims, Jews, and Christians of the world should follow their lead and get along, even under stress.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Toyota Recalling More Cars, But This Time for New Reason
Toyota said it's once again recalling some popular 2011 models, citing a problem with a spring popping out of the seat unexpectedly, startling its occupant. No injuries; some saying it's kind of fun.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Man Assaults Wife For Humiliating Him in Front of Pharmacist
A man assaulted his wife for her comments at a pharmacy about how endowed he is. The man claims she severely underestimated his size to the clerk when purchasing condoms, unsure of which size to buy.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Worst Chef Makes Powerful Impression on Judge
On Food Network's Worst Chef, a contestant's entry for final round competition was so bad the judge had to grab a lady's poodle from audience and lick its anus just to get the taste out of his mouth.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Ambitious Kid Goes Too Far in Business Venture
A nine year-old boy was placed into juvenile custody for serving alcohol to minors when he was caught spiking the lemonade sold at his stand with vodka. "That's the way Daddy makes it," he reasoned.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 29 March 2011
Utter Confusion for Hounds and Spectators Alike at Houston Dog Track
A greyhound race in Houston collapses into mayhem when a cat capers onto the track in front of the field of eight dogs, diverting them off course and into a gallery of shocked spectators. Cat escaped.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 29 March 2011
College Student Learns How Scholarship Program Works
A white college student overdid it at the tanning salon and was offered a minority scholarship based on how dark she got. When the tan wore off, the university revoked it, sending the poor girl home.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 29 March 2011
Double Amputee Avoids Potential Mugging With Secret Weapon
A man with both legs amputated turned the tables on a mugger who thought he would be easy prey. The man hopped around on his left prosthetic leg while knocking out the crook's teeth with right one.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 29 March 2011
Las Vegas Plans to Help Right Wrongs for Many Who Visit Each Year
Las Vegas, known for quickie weddings for the impulsive and inebriated, will be opening "drivethru divorce courts" where sobered-up folks with buyer's remorse can correct mistakes before departing.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Sewage Tanker Spills Nasty Cargo on Unsuspecting Drivers
A septic tanker truck enroute to a local disposal facility overturned on an overpass and ruptured, spewing liquid sewage over the railing and onto passing cars below, creating a slippery, smelly mess.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Donald Trump Determined to Win Presidency in 2012
Donald Trump plans to essentially buy his way into the White House by purchasing all the major networks to get free political ads and to spin public support in his favor by slanting the news his way.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Wonder Woman and Batgirl Charge Justice League With Discrimination
Wonder Woman and Batgirl join forces to file a sexual discrimination grievance against The Justice League. The heroines contest they are the only female superheroes in a predominantly male league.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Woman With Constipation Overdoses on Laxatives, Loses Job
A woman suffering constipation overdosed on laxatives at work and filled the only toilet in her office to the brim with her blockage. Unable to flush or plunge it, she was fired for evasion of doody.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Man Seems to Have Worst Case of Bad Luck in History
A man stepped on a crack as a black cat crossed his path, then spit into the wind as a mirror fell off a ladder he walked under, shattering on his head, all the while forgetting to cross his fingers.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Donald Duck Faces Prison Time for Attempted Murder
Donald Duck faces jailtime for trying to kill rival Daffy Duck after discovering Daffy fathered children with Daisy Duck. It wasn't hard to tell once the eggs hatched that they were Daffy's ducklings.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
Narcissists Finally Have Place to Worship Themselves
The first annual Narcissistic Egocentrists Convention is being held at the Simon Cowell Theatre in Liverpool, sporting mirrored rooms and a shop where visitors can buy themselves sexy, romantic gifts.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
NASA to Send Big Rocket to Probe Uranus
NASA announced plans to launch a mission to explore Uranus, where it will slip a probe into its gaseous region, penetrating Uranus to see how deep it is. Scientists expect to find a deep, gassy hole.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 28 March 2011
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