CORAL REEFER, CA - In a scathing report released today by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the nation's law enforcement and drug control agencies were accused of leading drug-sniffing dogs into a life of booze, sex, and addiction.
WASHINGTON, DC - Building on a program initiated by the late Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), the Republican Party announced today a stimulus package promoting sex orgies to save the nation's financially ailing Social Security system.
Long plagued by fewe...
ATLANTA - In a stunning announcement yesterday, the U.S. Center For Diseases (USCD) said that, due to budget cutbacks amid this economic recession, they were forced to lay off their highest ranking employee, Mr. Grim Reaper.
Although Mr. Reaper...
In a stunning reversal of fortune, the once highly esteemed U.S. chemical industry has completely collapsed into, as insiders call it, a slag heap. Industry analysts, however, are more blunt, calling current chemistry "hulking, stinking, steaming do...
In a stunning government announcement, U.S. President Barack Obama just signed a bill making marijuana completely legal throughout the country. The new legislation, placing marijuana under similar federal oversight as alcohol and tobacco, marks a co...
Groping for ways to stimulate fan interest in soccer in the United States, spokesperson Bubba Feelgood of the Blueballs Soccer Association announced formation of a new 69-team women's league to begin play on Father's Day.
"Because soccer itself...
In a bold attempt to improve its image, Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, yesterday announced that, effective immediately, spitting has been banned from the sport.
"Little old ladies throughout America have long complained about th...
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Trump Jr. Says That He Always Wanted to Be Separated From His Parents
Roseanne Smokes Ambien, Commits Genocide
Bill Cosby Contacts Kim Kardashian to See if She Can Get Him Pardoned
Inspector General’s Report Is Out
Trump Takes the U.S. Out of the U.N.
Secret Plot to Have Trump Declare War on Canada Revealed
Trump Gives North Carolina to Kim Jong Un in Return for De-Nuclearization
An original metaphor:
Roseanne Claims that Ambien Turned Her Into An Asshole
Trump Pardons Himself for All the Pussies He's Grabbed
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