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X-Factor Stars Announce New Contract

Funny story: X-Factor Stars Announce New Contract

X-Factor contestants John and Edward have announced a new advertising contract, it was announced today. John and Edward Grimes, the nineteen-year-old twins who have entertained X-Factor audiences with their unprecedented lack of talent, have offic...

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'Down With Fascism' To End Campaign

Funny story: 'Down With Fascism' To End Campaign

Pressure group Down With Fascism, who have been instrumental in organising angry protests against the British National Party, have today announced that they are ceasing operations with immediate effect. The surprise announcement comes in the wake...

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Tight Security at BBC Following Angry Protests

Funny story: Tight Security at BBC Following Angry Protests

BC Broadcasting House remains under tight security today following a series of scuffles between protesters and police outside the gates yesterday. Around 200 angry protesters surrounded the BBC's main gates in Wood Lane, with their numbers increas...

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BNP Leader Withdraws from Question Time Appearance

British National Party Leader Nick Griffin has sensationally withdrawn from his scheduled appearance on Question Time this evening, it has been announced. A spokesman for the BNP explained that Mr Griffin was 'unwell' and would therefore not be in...

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BNP to Hold Multiculturalism Conference

The British National Party are to hold an open conference to discuss race and immigration in modern Britain, it was announced today. The conference, titled 'A Final Solution to Multiculturalism' aims to investigate the truth behind immigration sta...

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Greens Call for Pet Deaths to Save Planet

Climate change campaigners have called for all household pets to be drowned in a new campaign designed to reduce global carbon emissions. The Government-supported campaign, which includes press and television adverts, is sponsored by the Carbon Us...

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Brown: World has 50 Days to Save my Career

Prime Minister Gollum Brown has called for drastic action from world leaders in the run-up to a UN-sponsored summit in December. Brown warned the world that they have '50 days to save my career', and said that he faces a catastrophic future of tra...

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President Obama Wins Turner Prize

US President Barack Obama has been awarded the Turner Prize for Art, it was announced today. The award comes hot on the heels of the shock announcement that President Obama had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and that he has also been shortlis...

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Government Announces 'Cookiegate' Inquiry

The Government has announced today that it is to hold a Public Inquiry to answer the 'urgent concerns' over Prime Minister Gollum Brown's taste in biscuits. The shock move was announced today by Home Secretary Alan Johnson, who said, "this is clea...

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Moir Calls For Man-Love Moratorium

Soon-to-be-ex Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir has outraged normal human beings by calling for a repeal of the 1967 Sexual Offences Act and the reintroduction of jail sentences for 'being a bender'. In a warmly-received (by Daily Mail readers) in tod...

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Afghan Personnel Numbers to Rise

A new plan to increase the number of British personnel serving in Afghanistan has been announced today, to universal public approval. The scheme, to be announced by Prime Mincer Gollum Brown at today's PMQ's, will increase the number of British pe...

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Radical Islamist to Lead Unprecedented March

A radical cleric is to lead 5000 extremists in an unprecedented march across London, it was announced today. The cleric, known best for his calls for Shari'ah Law and the death penalty for failure to possess a prayer mat, will lead his followers f...

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Chaos Erupts in Dublin Following Evacuation Order

Panic erupted in Dublin today following the implementation of a city-wide evacuation order by the Irish Parliament, the Dail. All roads out of the city have been gridlocked, and there are unconfirmed reports of hospitals struggling to cope with an...

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Milliband Announces Radical New Foreign Policy

Funny story: Milliband Announces Radical New Foreign Policy

Foreign Secretary David Millipede has announced a radical shakeup of international policy, following a recent conversation with James Naughtie on the 'Today' programme. Announcing the new policy, Mr Millipede said that the new approach signified '...

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Scientists Discover New Super-Hard Fabric

Scientists have manufactured a material which they claim is the hardest substance ever known or created by mankind, according to reports today. Scientists at St Anal's College Oxford created the material, which they believe has significant potenti...

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Politician Wounded in Terror Attack

The Government has acted swiftly in response to what it called a 'vicious and unprovoked attack' on a Labour MP by a newly-formed terrorist organisation. The attack, on former Home Secretary David Blunkett, left him with a broken rib and severe br...

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PM Hospitalised After Assault

Prime Mincer Gollum Brown is in hospital today following a serious assault. Doctors describe his condition as serious but stable. The incident happened in Arramanches, in northern France, in the hours following the commemoration ceremony for the 6...

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Labour Suffers Historic Election Loss

Prime Minister Gordon Brown's position is under increased threat again today, after Labour suffered its worst election performance in almost a century. Results from the European elections saw Labour lose the lead vote-share in Wales in a Parliamen...

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Breaking news…

Trump Says Democrats Should Thank Him for Being Such A Terrible President

...Because they never would've won the House by such a wide margin without him!
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