Lynchburg, TN - A study, funded in part by Jack Daniel's has determined that, as has long been suspected, whiskey is in fact 'delicious'. The study consisted of blindfolded subjects taste-testing whiskey versus urine, bleach, and other household clea...
Addis Ababa, ETHIOPIA - Scientists working in this impoverished African nation claim to have discovered the secret to long-term sustained weight loss, summarized by researcher Pete Morgan as follows:
"QUIT EATING SO DAMN MUCH!"
Morgan went on t...
Monroeville, PA - A group calling itself 'Deadizens of America' has been campaigning vigorously for the right to vote. The group, led by Morgana Entwhistle, has been protesting in front of the Monroeville Mall holding signs and placards for over...
Sacramento, CA - Hospitals and toilets everywhere are seeing a sharp influx of patients presenting with Wine flu-like symptoms, including dark red vomit, bedspins, and complaints about 'eating some bad chicken'.
Wine flu has been known to science...
Schuster, MT - Fishmongers from New Hampshire to Florida are mourning the deaths of newspapers across the country. As the price of an ever-decreasing supply of newspapers goes up, fishwrap has gotten harder and harder to come by for fishermen.
"I...
Rockefeller, NY - Scientists studying the effects of cooties in laboratory animals have found a strong correllation between infected animals and the development of cancer, particularly cancer of the genitals.
Says Bell Green, one of the researcher...
Stuttgart, CA - Researchers have drawn a link between UFO abductees and mental illness. Utilizing MUFON reports from as far back as 1985, researchers have found a 100 percent correlation between abductees and 'being complete nutjobs'.
"Those resea...
D'Starkville, IN - My sources have learned of a local bar which, astoundingly, manages to be completely full of assholes on any given night. The bar in question, Cobb's Drinkhole, contains every variety of asshole, from the Big Dumb Asshole, all the...
New York City, NY - A group of economists at the New York Institute of Economics published a report forecasting a large increase in the salaries and rates paid to economists. Samuel Himes, one of the economists involved in preparing the report, said:...
Houston, TX - NASA scientists using the Hubble Telescope to probe the outer reaches of space have snapped an image bearing a strong resemblance to a pair of well-endowed female breasts.
Says scientist Marcus Ribbs, "It just goes to show that the...
D'Starkville, IN - Cops arrested Rezn0r 13-Z B1ggs today for the murder of local man Ed Hodges. B1ggs reportedly hails from the year 2434 and travelled back to the present in an attempt to prevent the future birth of Hodges' great-great-great-great-g...
Detroit, MI - Despite nearly a decade of sagging auto sales and an overwhelming backlash from consumers, nearly every major automaker has continued to produce progressively uglier cars. It's a trend that started decades ago with Fieros and El Caminos...
Moosecock, AK - Despite losing the presidential election, resigning as governor of Alaska, and being roundly criticized for her cheerfully ignorant demeanor, Sarah Palin refuses to do the one thing everybody wants her to do: just GO AWAY.
When ask...
Atlanta, GA - While the Beatles version of Rock Band had limited appeal, one company hopes to capture the attention (and dollars) of the masses with the latest entry in the genre, Wham!: Rock Legend.
While critics have always respected the band's...
Washington, DC - With recent tobacco legislation banning the sale of flavored cigarettes and labels advertising cigarettes as 'light,' many are asking why menthol cigarettes were excluded from these new restrictions. Leading a protest outside the Was...
Minnesota, MN - In response to a $100,000k+ fine imposed on the chain for discriminating against a differently-abled individual at their Mall of America branch, a US fashion chain has dedicated an entire line of clothing for those suffering with disa...
Mountain View, CA - The internet search behemoth Google, well-known for altering their logo to commemorate such events as Thomas Edison's birthday and the 20th anniversary of Zero Wing, has secretly commissioned graphic designers to alter their logo...
Pittsburgh, PA - Spoof writer Jordan Baugher simply cannot wait for the new season of House to start on September 21st on Fox, Monday at 8/7 central.
"He just does the zaniest shit. He can't save a patient without almost killing him four times.