The UK's Eurovision Committee, chaired by Sebastian Coe, have employed the services of Sir Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr and a black magician by the name of Alistair Darling for next year's Eurovision contest entry for the UK.
"Darling will employ t...
The humble mallard has become the latest weapon in the war on terror with squadrons of specially trained ducks set to be unleashed across the Middle East.
"Ducks make the ideal precision bomb delivery system," said Sergeant Desk, of DARPA, the res...
After much deliberation, sharp points and millions of things that go 'pop', Bubble Wrap has once again been voted Top of the Pops.
"It's fantastic news," said Brian Gigglesworth, head of the Bubble Wrap Federation of Cumbria and the UK. "This make...
In a recent survey of science historians, the history of science book has been torn up and thrown away with the revelation that the humble list is the most important invention of all time.
"We thought that they might choose Newton's laws of motion...
Operation Yo-Yo, the second phase of the police's inspection of famous people's previous indiscretions has uncovered two previous indiscretions by world famous psychic and generally well groomed Scouser, Derek Acorah.
"We have discovered that duri...
Britain's Health and Safety Executive have recently updated their banned list or household items that are no longer allowed in public buildings.
"The first item on the latest list," said Daisy Bump, chairman of the H&SE, "is welcome mats. Thes...
Residents of Newport are facing a bleak few days as the Newport Union of Dog Exercisers have unanimously agreed to go strike.
"Industrial action is the only recourse for our members," said Jack Russell, head of NUDE. "In real terms, the amount we...
Former Children's TV presenter Rod Hull, the owner of Emu and the curliest hair on television is not dead.
According to the history books, Rod Hull fell off the roof of his house while adjusting the aerial on his roof.
"When we came up with tha...
Police have announced today that as part of the ongoing investigations into inappropriate behaviour of celebrities during the 70s and 80s that Mark Knopfler, lead singer and guitarist of the rock band Dire Straits, is the latest to be arrested.
"A...
James Dyson, Britain's answer to Sir Clive Sinclair, has topped his trumps with his latest invention in the personal hygiene market: The Personalised Home Money Sanitiser.
"This is a major step forward in cleanliness," said James Dyson. "We all kn...
Many nutritionists have known that the day would come when sweetcorn was eventually removed from the Official Food List.
"It has the nutritional value of a plastic carrier bag," said Gillian McKeef, nutritionist to the stars. "I'd rather eat rabbi...
Spangles Hotel in Blackpool has been saved from closure by Channel 5's The Hotel Inspector, when only five people visited in the first year of operation.
"We thought that there was a market for a cross dressing friendly hotel," said proprietor, an...
Satan has chalked one up in his eternal battle with God when it was revealed that his Facebook page has more subscribers than God's.
"I quietly pleased," Satan admitted. "When I last looked I had twice the number of followers on Facebook, than God...
Britain is set to have a fourth celebration. No sooner has the bunting been put away from the Royal Wedding, and then the Queen's Jubilee before the most successful British Olympics ever, news is emerging that Margaret Thatcher has died.
"Thank fu...
With the world oil crisis seeing peak oil having being passed, less and less barrels of oil are being extracted from the ground.
"This has hit our business hard," said David Cooper, of Cooper's Polyurethane Barrels in Nantwich. "We have seen a dr...
Fresh out of the beauty clinics of Hollywood is the latest beauty treatment that guarantees to tighten facial skin better than botox, put a spring in the step and reverse the visible signs of aging, including erectile dysfunction.
"This really is...
In a bold move, the Isle of Wight councillor, David Pugh, has elected to spend his twenty-million pound lottery win on putting every dog on the island onto a doggy DNA database.
"I was going to buy a bigger house," he said. "However, I already hav...
For the first time, scientists at Manchester University, UK, have been able to measure the amount of happiness in the world, and have come to a remarkable conclusion: There is a certain level of background happiness that doesn't fluctuate.
"A numb...