Facing certain defeat due to Barack Obama's insurmountable lead and his refusal to look for sex in public bathrooms, Senator Hillary Clinton resigned from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Tuesday night.
SYDNEY- Top linguists from the English-speaking world convened in Sydney, Australia on Monday and reached a difficult consensus regarding the proper spelling of...
Barack Obama has announced that he will be traveling with a Port-A-John until he has secured the Democratic Party presidential nomination.
CRAWFORD, TX- Longtime news service reporter Helen Thomas has won the grudging affection of every U.S. president since John F. Kennedy with her disarming bluntness and redeeming wit. The jury is still out, however, on how her latest coup will affect...
HOUSTON, TX - Following through on the Bush Administration's support for faith-based science initiatives, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has announced the 2010 launch of its Faith Science Mission (FSM) probe, which is tasked wi...
WASHINGTON May 8, 2028 - The final plot of habitable public space in the United States not continuously monitored by a surveillance camera finally came under the eye of the lens today in barren northern Alaska.
LOS ANGELES- In what the FBI is describing as a stroke of bad luck, Osama bin Laden narrowly escaped capture at a Los Angeles electronics store on Thursday after purchasing a DVD camcorder there.
Pleasantville, KS - A masked man in a black-and-gold caped costume crashed through the ceiling of the office at Joe Sixpack Middle School, introduced himself as "Liberty Man," and threatened to confiscate the principal's car unless he r...
Semi-funny satire journalist Gene Mason has died of spontaneous human combustion at the age of 49 following what is believed to have been a massive marijuana overdose, according to police experts.
Tarpon Springs, FL-The Pinellas County Medical Examiner's Office has listed spontaneous human combustion as the cause of Deborah Jeane Palfrey's death.
In a briefly worded decision handed down on Friday, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled fan interference on eight balls that former San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds hit out of Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T/Whatever Park and into McCovey Cove beyond...
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is currently under construction at an undisclosed location, the National Archives and Records Administration announced today. When the facility opens, its location will remain permanently secret and no visitat...
ARLINGTON, VA - As part of an initiative to streamline patient care and make it more affordable to anyone who seeks it, the American Psychiatric Association has eliminated all but one mental disorder from its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Ment...
FLAGSTAFF - Mars has a face and a posterior, according to conspiracy theorists who are hailing a recent photograph from the Mars Observer as proof of an Ass on Mars.
MOOSE JAW, SK-In a turn of events deemed inevitable by many outside observers, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, also known as the Pastafarians, has split over numerous items of contention concerning its doctrine of a beer volcano in heaven...
Chicago Cubs general manager Jim Hendry believes that he has finally come up with the winning formula to break the team's 100 year World Series drought.
WASHINGTON - Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has announced plans to use spy satellites, drone aircraft, and surveillance cameras to track the movements and activities of anyone who casts a shadow.
LOS ANGELES-Humans process a lot of information through their ears. Males of the species tend to consider a lot of this information to be superfluous. Apparently, so does Mother Nature.
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Trump Jr. Says That He Always Wanted to Be Separated From His Parents
Roseanne Smokes Ambien, Commits Genocide
Bill Cosby Contacts Kim Kardashian to See if She Can Get Him Pardoned
Inspector General’s Report Is Out
Trump Takes the U.S. Out of the U.N.
Secret Plot to Have Trump Declare War on Canada Revealed
Trump Gives North Carolina to Kim Jong Un in Return for De-Nuclearization
An original metaphor:
Roseanne Claims that Ambien Turned Her Into An Asshole
Trump Pardons Himself for All the Pussies He's Grabbed
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